They Say Time Is A Great Healer

Chapter 7

After almost a week of being back at work I'm almost glad of the upcoming weekend. When I had to stay at home I wanted to go back to work but its a lot more stressful than I thought.

Getting back into a routine is hard and I'm starting to struggle a bit. How on earth did I cope before all this? I suppose it was just normality back then though but it was like waking up in an alien place. With Matty and... My lord... Sandy, no!! Come on, it's um... Estella. Right, with Matty and Estella being awake at all hours I'm starting to tire and I think Alex was right when he said that I wasn't ready for this. So I talked to him today and told him that I didn't feel like work was doing me any favours and he looked shocked and asked if I was going to leave for good. 'I don't know yet' I said with a shrug 'it might be the best thing for me right now'. So he told me I shouldn't leave because its a great job and I would learn to love it again in time, but the thing that worries me is what if I don't love it? What if after this event in my life, I don't enjoy my work anymore?

I hate the fact that my life won't ever be the same. I wish that things could go back to how they were before because I'm sure things were better then.

I went to work today as its the last day of the week and on fifth period, I had to confess to Lynn that I wasn't ready to come back yet. I knocked hesitantly on her office door, 'Lynn, have you got a minute?' I said as my gut wrenched with nerves 'Yes of course' I sat down in the chair opposite hers and took a deep breath as I leant on the desk 'I'm sorry but I don't think I'm ready for this' I said shakily, Lynn looked at me with sad eyes 'I thought you were settling back well, what's gone wrong?' 'Nothing has gone wrong as such, I just think I'm rushing myself back into my old life. I would love to come back a few times a week but every day is too much for right now' she nodded slowly and my eyes filled with tears as the bell rang to signal the end of the day. I stood up and shook her hand, 'goodbye for now' I said 'have a good weekend Jennifer' she croaked as I walked out.

Some girls stared at my tear streamed face as I strode down the corridor and went outside to meet Alex, who was parked exactly where I expected him, and when I saw him I went to him and sobbed my story. He stroked my hair and calmed me down as I sat on the cold stone step; he gently moved along a group of girls who stood looking at me with disgust. They could have been year 7's; I didn't recognise any of them but then again that didn't mean anything anymore.

When we got home I went upstairs and sat alone for a while and scolded myself for giving up so easily and refusing to persevere. I looked at the calendar on my door and noticed that I had an appointment the next day with Simone, I sighed and wiped my face before going back downstairs. I sat in the living room with Alex and the children and we shared a hug that warmed my heart and made me want to carry on.

So on Saturday, Alex said he wanted to refresh my memory by going to all the places that we went on dates so we started with the cinema. Avril offered to babysit while we went and I must admit I was quite apprehensive at the sheer size and volume of it all. We went to see a rerelease of a film that came out when we were kids to see if it jogged my memory but nothing; no recognition. So we sat and watched it like we were back in 1999 and watching it together for the very first time, and it was lovely; we had popcorn and all kinds of old sweets from 'back in the day'. I almost felt like my old self again, until we had to leave and I fell back into the never ending, depressing swirl of reality.

On Sunday I had a few things to mark and I sat for hours reading through the beautifully presented GCSE coursework of apparently, one of my best students; in two aspects. Firstly, she is very musical and plays lots of instruments including things like piano, flute, violin, cello, harp and other magical and sometimes rather rare instruments. I listened to her on Friday and she plays the harp so beautifully and we had a laugh as she tried to teach me how to do it. Secondly she is an excellent linguist and speaks many languages including Italian, so from what she said, I help her with her Italian because she can't get lessons at the school. When I left that Friday as she played her harp again, I said 'I think we will be seeing great things from you'.

So here I am, Sunday night and tomorrow marks the start of the second week of being home. I spoke to Lynn and she said I could come in whenever I wanted so I suggested three days, 'how's Monday, Wednesday and Friday for you?' She asked seeming much brighter than the last time I spoke to her 'um, yes I'm sure that's great' I replied.

I just can't make up my mind about this job. I can't fathom if I enjoy it or not and if I can carry on with it long enough to go back to autopilot.