Ana in Control

The Start of Everything

***TRIGGER WARNING***

This chapter contains counting of calories and restricting of calories. These behaviors can lead to life threatening mental illnesses and this author does NOT promote eating disorders in any way and does NOT recommend starting or even considering these behaviors. Thank you for understanding.

The question they've been asking me the most is "How did I start restricting?" Well they told me to write down why because I was refusing to tell them. So here it goes!

The Story Of How I Started Restricting My Calories.

It started when I was in hospital, I was there for something completely unrelated to anything to do with eating, but anyways that's not the point right? Anyways I was there for 2 months at a special hospital and I was eating awful hospital food for three meals a day and I got weighed every week and I could just see my weight going up and up. That was the most terrifying thing. So I started a food diary so I would be conscious about what and how much I was eating. I started eating a little bit less and lost a few pounds.

When I got home I stopped worrying about calories because we eat really healthy at home. So I thought I was done with counting calories until I met Lena. Lena was on a diet, she had apps to count her calories. I thought "Hey I wanna lose a few pounds" so I installed an app on my phone. And it said to eat xxxx amount of calories ( I can't remember but maybe around 1,500 ). I was surprised to find out that I ate more than that a day. So I started watching what I ate and logging everything I ate in that app. The app also encouraged exercising so I started working out a bit. I was interested as to how many calories I could burn by just going on a walk.

So calorie counting became a part of my everyday and I wasn't alone because Lena counted her calories too. But she ate the normal calorie amount for our age 1,700-1,800 calories per day. So for me I wanted to eat less than her so I adjusted my calorie amount so I'd start losing weight. And slowly over the next few months I ate less and less and exercised more and more. And now exercising was all about burning calories, not feeling good. Well that's not totally true because the more calories I burned the better I felt.

So soon I was surviving on a very small amount of calories. I became lightheaded a lot. But I started liking that feeling because I felt that it was my body was telling me "You're doing the right thing" in the back of my head I knew I was starting to get sick though, I knew I was starting down a path there's no coming back from. In the back of my mind I knew this could lead to something serious but... I didn't care enough and I was still fat so why would I stop? That's what  I told myself, even though my boyfriend told me I was beautiful and skinny and perfect, I wanted to see myself as perfect in my eyes.

"Okay I'm done" I say, "It was really dumb but I'm done."

"Great" James says, taking the diary from me. "Writing is an awesome way of getting things out you find hard to say!"

"Oh, it wasn't hard for me to say, I just didn't want to tell you." I state.

"Ah, I see" James looks lost for words.

"Lunch time!!" Tim comes into the room with what looks like an IV.

"Um what? I just had breakfast, I'm so not eating lunch, I'm full, no thanks." There's no way I'm having more calories put in me, they have absolutely no right!!

"I'm afraid you have to girlie," says Tim, "Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way..."