Ana in Control

Masterpiece cont.

"Masterpiece"

You talk that blah blah, that la la, that rah rah shit
And I'm so done, I'm so over it
Sometimes I mess up, I f*$% up, I hit and miss
But I'm okay, I'm cool with it


I still fall on my face sometimes
And I can't colour inside the lines
'Cause I'm perfectly incomplete
I'm still working on my masterpiece
Masterpiece, masterpiece (Yeeah)

*** This song inspires me a lot, I just wanted to share it like x3 ;)***

Snippets from Natalies diary from before she was in treatment.

"Today was shit, I ate so much, I can't believe how much I can eat it's like my stomach is huge. How do I eat so much this is awful."

"Today the voices were so loud... They tell me not to eat, that I'm fat enough, that I don't need food, that I need to be skinny."

"In a way I love weighing myself but I also hate it because gaining is the worst feeling ever."

"I ate so much today I can't believe it, I'm going to gain so much."

"Today I burnt so many calories, I'm so proud of myself."

"I love that feeling of lightheadedness, the emptiness, the weightless feeling. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to pass out and my head really hurts but that doesn't matter, nothing matters but being skinny."

***

They asked me to reread my old journal and highlight the bits that showed where I was at my worst, and they said I got it right with what I highlighted. So yay I guess? Idek I was just picking out parts that talked about eating and that type of thing.

They say I'm making baby steps towards recovery but I dunno... I said that the whole being tubed thing wasn't helping and I'd be doing better without it but they said "Haha, no." So I guess I can't get out of gaining.

They've been trying to show me what my body "really looks like" but I don't believe them at all. They're saying I'm tiny and little and underweight and I should realize that because I know my BMI is really low and I should know that that's underweight. And I guess I do know that's underweight but on me that isn't skinny or tiny or anything, it's just fat!

They must be blind----

***

"Natalie?? What are you writing??"Dean asks.

"Ummm nothing?"

"She's definitely writing something when we didn't ask her too" comments James.

"Who asked you??" I start freaking out, I don't want them to read what I've written.

"Please give me your journal" says Tim.

"NO!!!" I shout, scrambling out of bed and running across the room heading for the door.

Kyle and Dean immediately race after me and grab my arms, dragging me back to the bed, while Tim takes the journal out of my hand.

"NO NO NO NOOO" I scream.

"Someone sedate her!!" says Tim sounding calm.

And that's the last thing I hear.