Illicit Affairs

Chapter 40

Something sweet and spicy 🌶️

My thoughts were all over the place as I let myself into the house. Sure I was happy that I won, but at what cost? My self respect was taking a beating right now. I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I thought I was okay with it, but now that it was done I just didn't feel like I expected to feel.

I'm just like him, I sighed in despair.

Ryan was sitting on the couch with Sturgill, and he looked up as I entered the room, and as usual he caught on to my mood. It never failed to amaze me of just how in tune he was to me.

"Sturgill down." He commanded the dog, who obediently jumped down from the couch and went to his own bed across the room next to the fireplace.

"What's wrong baby?" He asked, concerned. "Did he refuse?"

I shook my head then kicked off my heels that had been pinching my toes unmercifully, and my feet screamed in relief. Legacy will have a casual dress code I vowed to myself.

Moments later, I sat down on the couch and propped my feet onto his lap, he began rubbing the soles and sore arches until the pain began to ease away.

"He agreed to release Chase after this season." I said, feeling like I should be doing a victory dance despite the fact that my feet were killing me just moments ago. Those pesky self doubts just kept creeping in. I should be happy right?

"Then why don't you look happy?" He asked

I sighed. "I knew exactly what I was going to do. I had a plan and it worked perfectly. I was such a badass Ryan. I marched in there full of confidence. I laid it all out to him and didn't even bat an eye. He had no idea I was bluffing...I just played it off that good. I got exactly what I was hoping for, but now, I don't feel good about it. What I did was something he would have done. I can deny it all I want, but I am just like him."

"No." He shook his head adamantly. "You are nothing like him. What you did...you did for the right reasons. You did it for Chase, not yourself. You are a loyal friend. The most loyal. You keep your circle of people that you are close to small, but those of us who are in it are damn lucky. Don't ever doubt yourself sweetheart."

"I must be giving you whiplash with all of my moods. How do you even put up with me?" I was being serious.

"Because I know you and because I love you." He leaned forward, brushing a lock of my hair away and kissed my forehead. "I love your mind. The brilliant ideas that flow from that brain of yours. Always thinking. Always one step ahead." He then placed a kiss on the left side of my chest. "I love your heart. It's bigger than you think it is. You love deeply and fiercely and I'm so happy that you let me in it." Then he kissed my lips. "I love your sassy, potty mouth. You speak your mind. You don't back down from a challenge. People always know where they stand with you."

Tears welled up in my eyes. He just got me. I had my flaws but he still loved me despite them. I just couldn't help but feel that I didn't deserve him. It's crazy because confidence has never been a problem for me. In the past it oozed from every pore of my body almost to the point of being cocky and way too full of myself. He said he didn't want to change me, but he did. For the better. I've become so much more self aware since he came into my life, but am I enough or am I still too much?

"Am I enough for you?" I asked the question that was on my mind. "Or am I too much?"

"You're everything. Everything I want and everything I need. Now turn around for me." He placed a soft kiss on my forehead.

I did as he asked and turned around, his last statement running through my head. Why was I having such a hard time believing it?

He began rubbing my shoulders and the back of my neck. I flinched when he hit a sore spot.