Human. || phan

Chapter 4

Hii. Sorry for being missing for like half a century, but I had the biggest writers block ever. Thankfully it's gone now so the next update should be up soon. Also I apologize if this chapter is shit, I wrote it while I had no inspiration whatsoever. And as always, thanks to everybody who voted and commented on the last chapter <3

There's a self-harm mention and even though it's nothing major please stay safe 

Dan exited the school grounds without any guilt of missing classes. At a day like this the last thing he wanted to do was sit through more unimportant lessons. All he wanted to do was get home, clean himself up properly and then just spend the rest of the day laying in bed and repeat his encounter with Phil again and again in his head.

It still felt like just a surreal dream, but Dan knew he wasn't dreaming. It had actually happened and Dan couldn't stop thinking about it, no matter how hard he tried. It had almost felt like they were old friends; their conversation had been easy and natural, not awkward like Dan had expected. He also couldn't help but overthink everything he had said to Phil. Was it too much? Did Phil thought Dan was weird? But he calmed himself down with the thought that Phil wouldn't have given Dan his number if he hadn't liked him.

Dan shook his head to clear his mind. He knew he would go crazy if he kept thinking about it so much so he told himself to leave it alone. 

Dan fished his earphones out of his pocket and put his music on shuffle. He liked walking with his favourite artists blasting in his ears. It made him feel like his life had a sountrack, like he was the main character in a film or a tv show. It felt nice to imagine that he was something more than just a teenager making his way home, without anything to offer the world.

The skies were grey and it was quite chilly for an October afternoon, but then again it was England. The weather was always shit. Just like his mood, Dan thought and chuckled to  himslef. He walked the familiar way to his house and winced in pain after every second step he took. His head was throbbing with pain and he couldn't wait to just take some ibuprofen and crawl into bed.

It started raining at the exact moment when Dan stepped on his front porch. He quickly looked through his bag to find the keys and then finally unlocked the door, letting himself in. The light in the living room was on meaning someone was home. He knew his mum was in work, which could only mean one thing... Dan toed his shoes off as quickly and quietly as he could and tried to sneak to his room without being noticed, but of course his plan failed.

"Hey, boy, is that you?" he heard his father's voice from the living room.

"Yeah, I'm home."

"Don't you have to be at school?" he asked and Dan sighed. "Come here."

He made his way to the living room and found his dad sitting infront of the turned off television with a beer in his hand. Dan felt a sick feeling in the bottom of his stomach. This sight definitely didn't mean they had a pleasing conversation ahead of them.

"Hey," Dan sighed, looking at the floor to hide the fact that there was fresh blood on his face.

"Why are you slacking school?" the older man set the bottle on the coffee table and turned to face his son.

"I'm not slacking , they let us go earlier," Dan lied, hoping the beer had already made his father's brain woozy enough for him not to notice.

"Bullshit," he slamed his fist on the table, making the whole thing tremble. "I know you, boy. You think you're so smart, smarter than anybody and are too good for school. I know you."

"No, dad, I don't think that."

"Don't give me that attitude, boy. I pay for your food, your clothes and the roof upon your head, and you can't even show some respect," the man started getting up from the couch, running his hand through his greasy hair. Dan should have known better than to argue with his father when he was in this kind of a mood.

He got up close into Dan's personal space and aligned himself so their eyes would be at the same level. 

"Why the fuck is there blood on you?" he run his eyes over Dan and frowned.

"I got in a fight," Dan sighed, letting his gaze fall on the floor.

"Is that why you're home so early? You can't even handle a little hit? When I was a boy all we kids did was fight. I swear to god, I could take more when I was ten years old than you can at seventeen," the older man squinted his eyes and took a step back. "Sometimes I wonder what have I done wrong to get a son like you. Honestly, I wouldn't even be surprised if you ended up being one of 'em faggots, with a cock in your mouth." 

His dad returned to his old position on the couch and took another sip from the bottle. Dan moved back to the hallway and made his way upstairs, to his room. To be honest, he had expected his father's words to hurt less than they did, seeing as he heard something similar every day, but Dan guessed that things like that would always hit him right where it hurt. He wasn't as strong as he needed to be.

Dan threw his school bag on the floor and walked into the small bathroom, looking at his reflection in the mirror. He looked as bad as he felt. There was dried blood under his nose and a little bit on his lip, but his biggest worry was the nasty looking bruise at the side of his head. No wonder why his head hurt like hell. 

Dan decided that the wisest decision would be taking a shower and cleaning himself up properly. He stripped out of his dirty school uniform and stepped in the shower, avoiding looking in the mirror. Dan had never been too comfortable with his body. He was well aware that the sudden growth spurt  had hit him harder than most boys in his class, making his body more tall and gangly instead of lean and muscular. 

The warm water burned at his bruises and scratches at first, but the pain stopped quickly enough. Whilst it eased his sore muscles it also left him alone with his thoughts  and that wasn't what Dan needed. He tried to think of happy moments instead of his father's stinging words that felt almost like engraved in the back of his brain. He tried to focus on the memory of Phil, of how his eyes were even bluer in real life than on Dan's laptop screen, of the soothing way the oldest boy had spoken to him almost like Dan was something so delicate he could break if someone just looked at him in the wrong way. 

Even though those thoughts made Dan smile a bit they also made him think of laying on the cool bathroom tiles feeling helpless and and empty, like all the light had been sucked out of his body. It made him think of Oliver trowing punches at Dan's face and even more, it made him remember why those punches were deserved. Despite the hot water the thought made cold shivers run down his spine.

Dan decided that he was done showering and stepped outside, quickly dressing up in sweatpants and a ratty t shirt. He searched the cabinet under the sink for some band aids to put them on the few scratches that were still bleeding a little. His hand bumped against an unopened pack of razors and his breath hitched. It would be so easy to take one out, run the shiny blade against his skin and let his emotions slip away even for a second... But Dan shoved the pack aside and stood up exiting the bathroom almost if it was filled with something toxic. He couldn't fall back into old habits, he couldn't start doing it again. He was better than that.

Dan fell in his bed, almost hitting his head on the laptop that laid on his pillow. He opened it and went on the website that felt so familiar and calming. Now this was his getaway from life when everything got too much. He didn't need shiny blades or white pills in the shape of infinity anymore. Now he had youtube.

Dan typed in Phil's username and clicked on a random video. At the exact moment Phil's smiling face appeared on the screen Dan felt reality slowly slipping away and the weird feeling of bubbling happiness appear at the back of his stmach.

If home was where heart is, Dan's home would be Phil's youtube channel.

Remeber to vote and comment, it means a lot. Hope you enjoyed it.