Tevun-Krus #20 - WattPunk

Chatting With Sailor Snot Spoon, from @MadMikeMarsbergen's 'Cyber-Terrorizer.'

Tell us about yourself. Who are you? What makes you tick?

This f**king guy. Name's Sailor Snot Spoon, fag-breath. You'd know, if you weren't such a throbbing dangle-dong. Kickin' the piss out of pussies like you keeps me tickin'. Snot, too. Love the flavour, the tanginess, the texture. But only the good shit, which it looks like you don't got, bud. I grew up in f**king Armenia. Moved to Canada at a young f**king age. Started destroying pussies like you in CS:S—and on the street—not too long after that. I'm really into the donkey porn these days, too. Some beautiful f**king shit, man. The dicks on those animals.

If you had to describe yourself in one word, what words wouldn't you use?

Ugly, dumb, weak, villainous, cretinous, damaged, broken, addicted. Basically anything negative—that ain't me, bra. I'm the best-looking motherfuck who's ever walked this green Earth. The bitches love me, the dudes do, too. And everybody wishes they were as f**king beautiful as I am. My soul is like the f**king sun, fag. It'll never burn out.

What was your nickname at school?

Joey Hotshit, because the ladies—and the guys—all thought I was the hottest f**king shit out there. They'd bow the f**k down to me in the hallways between classes. Teachers would hand me already-completed tests with Super A++++ stamped on the f**king paper, while every other dipshit and dumbfuck was too busy answering questions like a dick-riding c**t. Why, what was your nickname, buddy? Turd-burglar? Boner-pants? I bet you weren't even f**king noticed enough to even get a nickname. Am I right? People probably f**king see you in the yearbook and say to themselves, "Who the motherfuck is that faggot?"

Headstones tell us an awful lot about who a person was. Is there anything in particular you'd like yours to say?

Yeah, maybe a little something like this: Sailor Snot Spoon. The coolest motherfucker to ever rock the world stage. He came, he saw, he conquered our c**ts. Edenbitch is a Jewnosed homo. And his parents make for the ugliest corpses I've ever seen—and let me f**king tell you, buddy, I've seen a f**king lot.

When you were a young padawan, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A f**king universe. I still do. And one day I will, so keep your stupid science to yourself, because I've heard it f**king all before. "Oh, you can't be this, Sarkis. People can't be that. You've gotta be this, this or this." Well f**k you very much, scum-guzzler, but if I want to be a f**king universe then I f**king will, okay? Motherfucking c**ts, man. They're getting me down. I need a bowl of the good shit. Where's my f**king pipe.

What is your favourite quote?

My good man Hitler's got some good f**king mindfucks. 

"Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it." 

That's like how I live my whole motherfucking life, faggot-breath. People believe everything I f**king say, as they should. Or I'll rip out their guts through their f**king stomach and reinsert them back up their pretty brown star-shaped fuckhole. 

"Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal." 

Damn right, bro. You fought the good fight. Not your fault those pussy-ass Jewfaced homos thought they were too good to die. C**ts, man. 

"What luck for rulers that men do not think." 

Damn motherfucking straight. Philosophize me, Hitler, and do it f**king hard. Everybody's so f**king stupid these days, fag. You feel me? But not us—well, not me. I'm still not so sure about you and your stupid shitbag questions.

Why did you choose your profession? If you did, indeed, choose it, of course.

What, bitch-boy, you think I didn't want to be the best motherfucking contract-killer in the world? Seriously? Man, you need to smoke some of this shit and see if it could maybe grow you a f**king brain, fuckface.

As your crew cast your lifeless body into the core of the nearest star, list three pieces of music likely to be rattling the bulkheads.

Chris De Motherfucking Burgh - Lady In Red (Just some beautiful fucking shit. Makes me think of the first c**t I offed. When I was done with her, she was covered from head to toe in blood.)Backstreet Boys - I Want It That Way (A song that speaks the darkest f**king depths of my soul. These sexy dudes knew what they were singing about. Dumb bitches not obeying their men.)Aqua - Barbie Girl (Because sometimes I like to dream I'm that Barbie girl. It's not f**king gay, okay? In fact, being comfortable with my diverse f**king sexuality makes me the straightest motherfucker of all. So blow me.)

If you were one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which one would you be and why?

Death, obviously. Honestly, are you always this f**king stupid or do you just like to piss me off? Either way, I'm this close to tearing out your spine and making a hula hoop.

What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

'Gee, I sure hope that dumb f**king c**t is gonna ask me some stupid motherfucking questions today!'

Is there a particular moment in history that you would change if you could, regardless of the consequences?

Yeah, I'd go back and slit Jewsus' f**king throat when he was a baby. Little homo almost ruined the world for the rest of us with his Messiah, peace and love bullshit.

What's next for you? Love? Life? Death? Retiring to a two-bed cottage on the shore of a picturesque loch in the Scottish Highlands?

Yeah, gonna fire up this party bowl of meth cut with random shit, then cut off your ugly f**king mug and make it my own personal blowjob unit. That would be fun, eh? You'd like that, wouldn't you, fag? Maybe we can jerk each other off before I take your head as my fu**king souvenir. And if you give me your address, bitch, maybe I'll swing by your pad and take a steaming-hot shit all over your racecar bed. Sound cool? Cool, bitch.

Should you have any descendants, how would you like them to remember you?

Unless some of the f**king sluts I've bagged have kept the kids I pumped up their holes, sadly I don't think I'll be making any little Sailor Snot Spoons. But if I f**king do, I'd like them to remember their daddy as the f**king hero he was. The f**king saviour of mankind. The slayer of Kevin Jewenberg. Basically I want them to f**king know me as I am. We done here? Good, fag. Now take off your motherfucking pants. I'm a horny f**ker.