A Heart Doesn't Break Even. |Max George & Siva Kaneswaran|

Good Days

Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it? - L.M. Montgomery

I want to go out today to look for some promising action. Because all what's been going on is days that turn into weeks of doing nothing spending every second wishing I could disappear. Doctor Sanders gave me the adres of an LA based colleauge of his, I go there 2 times in an good week. Talking about what I feel and what I dream. I was against it first but I got scared when they reminded me I could end up in prison or total loose it. What if the unconsious me does something and I won't be reminded? What if I do but pretend because I start to turn evil?
I decided to go in treatment and I'll take slowly steps and make it out alive. It's been awful hearing all these voices saying how messed up I am. Cheating was something I wanted to face, and I never wanted to make excuses for it. I never forgot how I wanted to kiss his lips, how I wanted to walk hand-in-hand in public, how good the tension felt, how I enjoyed playing with fire. We took action together and then blocked it out like it's my way of wishing something never happened. Because I was afraid. I came to that conclusion with my new Doctor. The answer is always there in front of you but it makes you feel stuipid how long it takes.

Being away from The Wanted has been good. For them. Their studio time here, shooting video's, own TV show.

"Violent thoughts : An Anxiety Symptom" I've been googling a lot lately and it helps. I feel healthy I think healthy I go to Doctor Hanks like I have been doing it all my life. It's the time you take a moment to look at the girl in the mirror. You want to go easy on yourself because you know that you don't have to be strong every single day. Life expects you to, the people who love you don't. But the moment you look at yourself and you realise I don't have to go easy on myself because all my flaws are unbelievable great! Having a bad moment? Continue. Doctor Hanks will listen to you and guess what he will say? "Is that all? Wow you sure you still need me?" That's the place I'm reaching for and I got to tell you am already there. 

Maybe I shouldn't let the other part out, the hard times when others don't believe you. I'm constant like the seasons like everyone else. Summer is never fully summer.

I went outside, listening to the birds singing. I feel the heat on my skin. Sunglasses, jeans shorts and white top on and I walk away from my appartement.

"One Cappuccino please" "What's your name" "Sarah" I noticed a free table and decided to sit on the table. They got it right! They got my name right! I felt so happy that I decided to not throw the cup away. I heard this soft, calm, beautiful voice with an British accent and he lisps. "Vanilla cappuccino please." I gasped and I gasped, my eyes got bigger and bigger my breathing got heavier. "Calm, calm breath in and out. One more time." I lift my eyes and looked at the familiar face in front of me. His mesmerizing eyes, the beautiful bold head. "Excuse me, Mister Max your cappuccino." He walked out. Wait what. I hurried to keep up with him. He was walking towards a quiter road away from the main street. "Max wait!" I was out of breath and needed a moment. The beautiful man turned around, butterflies swarm in my stomach. I walked up to him and asked him if he would like to accompany me home. Silenty I was walking by his side waiting for the ice-breaker. I suddenly start to lose balance he gently took my hand and didn't let go. "We're here." I said. Hand in hand we walked in the building, up the stairs I reached with my right hand for my key and openend the door. His hand was holding mine so strong, his eyes weren't smiling. He had one hand in his pocket and the other one strongly strangled in mine.

We were sitting in front of the TV. "Everybody needs a little time away even from lovers." I heard him say. "It's hard to say I'm sorry. I mean I'm sorry. Truly sorry. It's hard to say how sorry I am because you might not believe me." "I'm not mad. Just sad. Not mad." He mumbled as his eyes were drifting away to the safe which I didn't close. "I can find closure. I will be alright. We never really had something so that won't be that hard. Right?" He was looking at me begging to say that he's crazy for thinking we will let go as soon he walks out. "I want to feel how it's like to hold you close." He moved close and pulled me close to him. We could talk about anything now feeling came over us. "I can't unfeel what I feel for you. Believe me I tried." "Have you talked to Siva?" His face is taut. I guess it means no. "He was here. It was like another guy never tried to get between me and him. Our love just flew."