Those words hit Shi Yao like a brick. He already knew the answer he would receive from the one who had once been his friend, but he didn't want to admit to himself that he knew this fact. But hadn't he thought that the actions, words, and gestures of the taller man were from the heart, not because of the excessive amount of alcohol he had drunk? That certainly perplexed him. He had opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it like a fish, thinking a second time about what he was going to say and measuring his words, ideas, and actions. "Er ge. I have to confess that, I think, like you, I wasn't as drunk as I claimed to be last night and..." He paused to reorder his idea, feeling the tension between the two, the one who was speaking and whose every word seemed to sting on his tongue, although he was told of the real feeling of love, a part of him unable to believe on the one hand, and on the other hand the taller man, with a warm, conciliatory and peaceful look.
"If you plan on telling me that this feeling is mutual or that what you did wasn't because of the alcohol, A-Yao, then stop biting your tongue and speak. You don't have to be afraid or shy to tell the truth..even though sometimes the truth is cruel and even though the truth might grant you at a loss, it's better to tell the truth. I hope that after all these months you will learn this fact, that a truth told in the face of a mistake diminishes the mistake or gives it a reason" Lan Xichen said, in his always warm, calm voice, of a man who had everything and saw it fall at his feet, who saw his home burn and who now stood face to face with the man he cared about the most, save for his brother and Wei Wuxian, and who still bitterly betrayed him.
"Er ge,then if you want me to I will speak,and I will hope that you will never hate me for what I say.." Yao spoke softly,clicking his tongue before he spoke once again. "I care about you, I always have, and no matter how many bad things I've done in this life, I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel bad about me. But I've noticed another fact.. Er ge, when I'm with you I feel like I can really smile and I feel the true warmth, calmness and kindness that I've never felt from anyone before, and this thing makes me happy, really happy. I don't know if this is what love means to some, maybe it's just a strong friendship and a deep connection, but for me it means loving someone and.. and I think you're the first person I can tell I love you" he lastly spoke,feeling like his tongue stung again. At this moment he felt the mood shift finally,Lan Xichen moving his eyes from Shi Yao whom just spoke to the food which stood infront of him: half-eaten and now cold,then to the simple room dressed with a thin matress and with pale brown shades,and then back to the man whom spoke kind words of fondness,trying to gather his words.
"You care about me?" Xichen asked.
"I do."
"And is this the way you are telling me that you love me?"
"Er ge,I believe I loved you from the moment you saved me from Nie Mingjue,but I only came to the idea I loved you not long a while ago."
Xichen stood silent and so did Yao. What was even he supposed to say right now? "I love you too"? "I loved you for a while now too"? "You are the only one my heart loved ever and you are the man of my dreams"? For certain he was not sure. He really wanted to show Shi Yao how he felt,as he earlier told him his feelings were genuine,but he wasnt ready for another spoken confession,a man like him,somber and guided by hundreds of rules would have needed another three glasses of liquor before speaking up again.
And so,he didn't speak.
"A-Yao, I am not sure what to say as of this moment but I want you to know that I deeply care about you as well and I am not sure what loving is like for I didn't have the experience to love many times. I see love as a feeling of fondness and caring, of affection and feeling the need to protect that person..And for you I would do those." said Xichen with a voice that cracks from time to time, trying to show the person in front of him that he really cares about him, that his confession of love is not in vain.
"Er ge, I am certain of one thing and I wish you to agree. Whether this is or isn't love, it is certain that we both care about each other and we would give our hearts out just so that the other is okay, although..if this is not love, I don't know what love is. Lan Xichen, you are a worthy man who has been through so much and has maintained his sanity, prosperity and self-respect and I don't want me to drag you down with anything so, although you have feelings for me, if that is your wish, I can leave and never come back, so that our paths will break here..If it is your wish, I can leave so that you will probably forget about your love for me, so that I won't hurt you by being so close to you" said Shi Yao, his heart starting to hurt. He didn't want to leave the man he had loved for so long, the man he had waited her entire life for, the man he would have died in agony for just to escape, but he cared too much about Xichen to let anything happen to him because of him.
Ouch.
"Is that really what he thinks of me? That by loving him I will ruin myself,that love ruins people's lives?"
"A-Yao, tell me honestly something..If I wanted you out of my life, do you think I wouldn't exile you to Yunmeng, or kill you at the Guanyin temple. Shi Yao, you should know that that night you disappointed me and you truly broke my heart in two, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you anymore or I don't want you close anymore. In fact, that's why I took you under my wing, so that no one would do anything to you, so that no one would hurt you. So your words about leaving like this are in vain. I can't afford to lose such a man who, although he betrayed me in a horrible way, is still my most reliable friend," said the tall one, his voice calm and warm again, trying to prove to the other that feelings exist.
Shi Yao felt his heart sting at these words,feeling warmth flooding his entire body in that moment. He couldn't say anything more but rather rose up from where he stood,took two steps and stood down next to Xichen,wrapping his arms round his neck and embraced him in a friendly way.
And then he kissed Xichen.
"I love you too,Er ge. I remember you telling me that you love me last night so I wanted you to hear me say it"
