Relapse / / h.s.

Chapter Four.

"I'm really proud of you," Lily sat on my bed as I did and redid the laces on my boots. I looked in the mirror one more time- same black jeans as usual. Same black t-shirt. Same black boots. Everything was the same but somehow everything felt different. Everything felt out of place.

"You're just saying that so then I won't flake out," I sighed, unbuckling my belt and pulling it off. I looked better without it, I decided.

"I am not," she defended herself. "And leave your hair down today. You can man-bun it tomorrow."

"All right," I told her, putting a rubber band around my wrist anyway. It tended to get in my face a lot, and I was already anxious enough as it was. I'd spend the majority of the day pushing it out of my face to calm my nerves if I didn't throw it up at some point. "And yes you are Lillian."

"Fine," she laughed. "So what if I am?"

   The alarm clock on the nightstand still worked despite the fact I hadn't used it in months. I hadn't even slept in my bedroom in months. I couldn't do it alone. Her clothes still took up the majority of the closet and pictures were stuck around the borders of the mirror- Lily and Amelia at some party, their arms around each other and their faces smushed together to form one big smile. Another one was Lily and Ariana, her big sister, at Ariana's high school graduation, both looking impeccable despite the fact that Lily's teeth were one huge hunk of metal. I took one between my fingers, it was a picture of Lily and I, she stood on her tiptoes to press her nose to my cheek and I was grinning like crazy. This one was one of my favorites. I couldn't bring myself to take any of them down.

"I'm going to be late," I sighed, bending over to make sure my laces were tied correctly. I pushed my hair back as I frantically threw empty cans off the coffee table to find my keys. "Will you be here when I get back?"

    Lily leaned against the door frame to my bedroom, her arms crossed over her chest. "I don't know. Will I?"

I paused, looking at the picture frame on the end table. It was one of Lily and I from our wedding day. It would look good on my desk. "I hope so," I told her, taking the picture off the table. "I love you, Lillian."

"I know, baby," she smiled. "Have a good day."

The sun was just starting to appear in the sky by the time I made it downtown to the station. The parking lot was empty besides a white Toyota Camry that took up my old parking spot. I took a deep breath after I'd parked, taking in the silence around me as I talked myself into going inside. I took another deep breath before I opened the front door. I could do this. It would all get easier after the first day. Wouldn't it?

I ignored the heavy feeling that seemed to anchor me to the sidewalk, and willed myself to walk inside. It was quiet and deserted. Officers that took the night shift had cleared out by then, and I could hear the faint murmurs of the detectives coming from the attached building. The place smelled like coffee.

I made my way to my office, maneuvering through desks overcrowded with open files. The light was already on and Elena sat at her desk, hi-liter in hand, her blindingly blonde hair shielding her bowed face.

"Morning," she looked up, offering me a smile of nearly perfect teeth. In all honesty, she was a very unique looking girl. She had a round face with high cheek bones and thick, dark eyebrows that didn't match her hair that was so blonde it was almost white. She was the kind of girl you imagine when you read a book.

"Hey," I tried my best to smile, hoping it didn't come off as too forced. My lip twitched, not used to the facial expression. It was barely seven in the morning and she was already buried in work. "Still working on those folders?"

She nodded quickly, standing up from her chair and adjusting her blouse. She was still smiling. "Yeah, I tried my hardest to get it done yesterday, but there was a lot to do."

I set the picture of Lily and I on my desk, making sure it was positioned so that I'd always be able to see it. "I can help. If you want." I was ready to start work as soon as possible. I could pile it on so I could distract myself from the aching.

"No," she said quickly. "I'm almost done anyway. You want coffee?"

"You already made coffee?"

"Yeah?" She said slowly, her brown eyes wide like she'd done something wrong.

"I just always waited to make it. Most of the officers like it piping hot. It's not a big deal, I'm just thinking it won't be as warm by the time they get here."

Lily usually made the coffee every morning, but I still remembered how almost every officer proffered theirs. White liked black. Officer Smith likes two packets of sweet 'n low in his, which was weird, but he drank it anyway. And Officer Lawrence always drank hers with exactly four ice cubes in it- she'd always say that odd numbers were a bad omen. Lily didn't even like coffee, she just always drank it because everyone else did.

She ran her hand through her hair. "I'm sorry. I just- you used to work here?"

I nodded. "I'm surprised they never mentioned me. I'm guessing you were hired right after I... had to quit."

"Yeah," she smiled. "There used to be another guy here, but he decided the work was too much for him or something."

"So you've been doing all of this by yourself?"

"Oh god no," she laughed, pouring coffee into a generic cardboard cup. "You want sugar?"

"And cream, please," I smiled and she looked through the mini fridge in the corner until she found some.

"Anyway," she continued, pouring some into a cup for herself. "Some of the officers here help out when they can, which has been great. It'll be so much easier now that you're here. Why'd you quit again?"

I wrapped my hands around the cup when she handed it to me. Elena was the kind of person that made you want to talk to her. She looked you in the eye when she talked to you and she hadn't stopped smiling once since I'd come in. But I couldn't tell her anything. I couldn't let someone new in when I could barely admit it to myself. Lily was mine, no one else should get to know about her.

I shrugged, blowing steam off my cup. "It doesn't really matter."

Her smile dropped for barely a second before she was grinning again. "Oh, that's all right. Welcome back, anyway."

She didn't pry. She didn't ask a million questions. And I decided that I wouldn't mind working beside her every day.

A/N

Here's another chapter for you guys :)
I go back to school in two weeks, so I figure I'll write as much as I can before I can't write anymore. I don't think you guys will mind ;)!

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As always, thank you for reading.