Relapse / / h.s.

Chapter Eleven.

  I held my breath, looking at myself in the mirror. The same dull green eyes as always stared back at me. Same curly, unruly hair that even a brush couldn't seem to tame. Same pointed nose- my least favorite feature. Same seemingly permanent bags under my eyes from the countless nights of lack of sleep. Everything was the same but somehow everything felt different.

I stared at my reflection until I lost my focus, until my vision began to blur at the edges. I didn't try to refocus my eyes. I liked it like that. It was like I was in a lake, staring up at the sun through the water. Everything was blurred. Everything was quiet.

"What are you looking at?" I shook my head quickly, focusing on my reflection. Lily stood behind me, leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed over her chest. She looked like how she would in the mornings, her fair cheeks rosy and her blue eyes glassy.

"Nothing," I sighed, grabbing my ring off the back of the sink and sliding it on to my finger.

Lily pursed her lips. "You know, you've never been able to lie to me. What are you thinking about?"

"You," I answered without hesitation. It was always her. Always.

----------------

I bustled into the station, my arms full of files I had taken home to keep myself busy over the weekend. I had to keep busy or I'd drive myself crazy. I don't know how I managed before, locking myself up in my flat all day just to lie on the couch. I had to be able to keep myself busy these days.

  My brain suddenly jolted awake at even the slightest smell of coffee. My stomach grumbles along with it. I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten an actual meal, I'd been stuffing myself on a can of peanuts I'd found in one of my cupboards recently. It was quick, peanuts didn't take cooking.

   Elena was already in the office. She was putting one of the cheap cups on my desk. Her blonde hair was straight down her back today and she wore a pink dress, it's strap so thin that I could see the birthmark on her shoulder. She offered me a smile.

  "Hey," she greeted as I dropped the files onto my desk. "When'd you come and get those?"

  "Sunday morning," I said quickly. After our conversation at the diner I could barely think straight. My mind had been reeling ever since and I wasn't even sure why.

  A look of understanding washed over her face and she nodded, her hair swishing over her shoulders as she did so. "Needed something to keep yourself busy, huh?"

  "Exactly," I sipped from the cup. It burnt my tongue but it tasted good so I took another long sip, feeling the scalding liquid as I swallowed.

  She watched me gather the files and put them in order. I pretended not to notice. Elena demanded to be seen though, so before long she was standing in front of my desk, gripping onto the edge so she could help herself up. I heard her feet hit the wood as they dangled.

  "Stop staring at me like that," I told her after her stares had gone from neutral to unmanageable. It made me feel self conscious, like she was analyzing me or something. "You're acting weird this morning."

  She kicked her feet some more. "Is it because of what I told you?" I wondered, tucking the files away into the filing cabinet and then going to stand beside her. "Because you said-"

  "Oh I know what I said," she scoffed. "But I've been thinking-"

  "This should be good."

  "Shut up," she rolled her eyes, playfully trying to push me over. "You know I want to help you Harry."

  "I know. You made that perfectly clear at the diner. But I have to tell you, Elena, I'm pretty sure I'm a lost cause." I didn't know if I was okay with that or not.

  "You are not a lost cause," she said sternly, like she was talking to a preschooler. "I've been thinking a lot about what you told me last weekend and I've come to the conclusion that you're not at peace."
 
  "I'm not- what?"

  "At peace," she repeated. "You need to find peace, Harry. A middle ground. That's the only way you can ever even begin to feel normal again."

   "And how do you suppose I do that, hmm?" I wondered. The look in her big brown eyes was stopping me from getting angry. It was amusing, actually, seeing how much she seemed to care. My friends had all done the same thing, but decided to give up on me when they realized I was a lost cause. I bet there's nothing Elena could do for me that hadn't  already been attempted.

  "I think we should go back," Elena said slowly, like she was treading on shaky ground. Once she realized I wasn't going to blow up, she kept talking. "Take me to every single place you guys ever shared together. Tell me all about her while we're there. Tell me why that place is so significant. Tell me about that day- hell, tell anything you want as long as it helps to get it all out."

  I thought about it for a moment, thinking there's no way. "And you think that could work?"

   She shrugged. "It's just an idea," she picked at her nails, all the while her legs swinging rapidly back and forth and hitting the desk. "But i think it's worth a shot. I really think this will help you."

  "And what makes you so sure?" I asked quietly. By this point I was desperate for anything that could take the pain away. I'd tried alcohol. I'd tried sleep. Nothing seemed to work.

  "You said none of your other friends talk to you about her," Elena  said slowly but surely. "Like they just pretend she never existed or something like that. Well, maybe that's what you need. To talk about it. To let it out. To relive all the good things one last time before you lay it to rest."

  I stared at her. "What if it doesn't work?" What if the first Harry-Lily place brought so much emotion that it consumed me? I couldn't live with anymore sorrow. There's only so much sadness, so much anger, a person can take.

  She grabbed my arms, holding me gently by the wrist, this hopeful gleam in her eyes. "But what if it does?"

  I sighed. "You're right."

  Elena grinned. "So it's settled then. You're in?"

  "Yeah," I nodded slowly. "I'm in."

  A/n

... And there you have it folks! Our story begins. What did you think of the chapter? What do you think of Elena's proposition? Do you think Harry will be able to do this?

Q: what's your favorite 1D album? Favorite song?

A: mine is definitely take me home! not just the album itself- that time period was just golden for one direction.

And my favorite song is either moments or Stockholm syndrome!

Don't forget to vote and comment!

As always, thank you so much for reading :)