mistakes // j.g.

Chapter 16

3:15AM

I was mad at myself. I was also sad, mostly because for the past several days I've come to like this person, this dumb boy and he's consumed my every waking thought. Whether he is my main concern or he's just there in the back of my mind I am never not thinking about him. I've let him take over my life and I'm happy about it because if I'm being completely honest with myself, I think I just might be in love with him.

I haven't attended school in 2 weeks. I've been calling in sick but I don't think my mom can lie any longer. I think she's either irritated with my company or she just can't stand the fact that instead of focusing on school I'm focusing on whether or not I've messed everything up with someone who means everything to me. I haven't spoken to Jack since Saturday night when I told him about Toby and quite frankly I wanted to spend the rest of my life rotting away in my bed and rewatching Stuck In Love until I'm 80.

It seems dumb that I'm letting my life revolve around this one guy who I'm positive I won't marry, but for the past month, he's been apart of my daily routine. God do I sound pathetic, women like me just give men a reason to put women in general down. I got up slowly from my bed, pushing aside the food my mother tried to force me to eat a few hours ago, and opened my balcony door, using my upper body strength to pull myself up onto the roof.

I laid down and took my phone out of the back pocket of my stain covered sweat pants, scrolling through my contacts and pressing Jack's contact name. After two rings he picked up. The line was quiet for several minutes before I realized he wouldn't be speaking first.

"Did I wake you up?"

"No"

It was quiet once more.

"I'm in love with you Jack, and I get it if you don't still feel the same way about me but I do and I just want you to know that"

Everything was quiet. It was almost like a pattern, every time I say something I scare him off. He hung up and the hum of the call ending rung through my ears. I sighed and set down my phone, shutting my eyes trying to avoid getting splinters from the unpolished wood.

"We didn't even kiss" I mumbled to myself. An hour or so passed before I got down from my roof and went to lie down in my own bed. I grabbed a pillow and placed it in between my legs, hugging it tightly. After awhile I set the pillow down and walked into my bathroom. I opened the medicine cabinet and took out a bottle of my old anti-depressants and poured 2 in my hands. I looked at them in my hand and without thinking twice I swallowed them and went to sleep for the first time in 2 weeks.

_______

The next morning I was up and ready to leave by 6:30 even though school doesn't start for another two hours. I took my car and started driving around picking up some coffee, twice, before finding myself in the school parking lot.

"Ok Bells you can do this" I grabbed my bag from the backseat and swung it over my shoulder and grabbed my coffee before opening the door of my car and walking into my school. I turned in all the homework I missed which I had been getting from Mia and then walked to my locker to get my things for the day. The school was empty besides a few people and for once I realized I was actually a bit happy to be back. I walked slowly down the hall and out the front doors waiting in front of the school for my friends to come.
Before I knew it everyone was surrounding me giving me a hug and asking how I was doing and it was no longer the quiet school I was enjoying this morning. Although I was enjoying being around my friends I knew it wouldn't be long before I had to face my problems.
Of course some people like me aren't so lucky and my problems pulled up in a black jeep on the side of the school and passed me like I wasn't there.
______

It was finally time to go home and I couldn't be happier. I was walking towards the front doors when someone started shouting my name. I turned around and saw Sam all the way down the hallway and it wasn't long before everyone besides Jack was there.

"So what are we doing?" Katie asked everyone.

"We're going to my house" a deep voice from the back of the group said, I easily identified it as Jack's.

________

Mia drove with me which was kind of a relief because she would do most of the talking. I was nervous and to be completely honest I didn't know if the invitation was directed towards me as well. My fingers were shaking as I pulled up to the house I was sneaking out of a few weeks ago.

I walked up next to Nina and smiled giving her a hug and walking into the house along with the group. I started trailing towards the back of the crowd and as soon as I stepped inside the doorway I was roughly pulled to the side.

It was quiet for a while with Jack and I just standing there. I didn't know how to approach the situation or what to say but even if i did know what to do this is the closest I've been to him in weeks and I didn't want anything to ruin this moment.

"I-"

"Quiet Bella, just for one minute can we please stand here, no talking, no touching just stand here and enjoy my company and I'll enjoy yours"

"Ok"

And for one minute I was happy. I wasn't lonely or sad or worried I was happy and although we didn't talk out our problems, the silence left me in such a state of bliss I couldn't of been happier with anything else. But then he left.