fading memories || Ashton Irwin

The fight

It was inevitable. Two wrongs obviously never make rights; whoever came up with such an idea was an idiot and probably never had a relationship in all of their life.
Maybe I'm being dramatic.
Or maybe I'm being completely fair.
Maybe I'm just bitter because Ashton was off having fun without me. Maybe it was because I realised that without him my life would be nothing. And no that's not some kind of poetic plea for love- a metaphor for how ashton is my entire world and without him I would feel like I was living in eternal darkness.
I mean it literally, I have no one in my life but ashton, how sad is that? Yeah I guess Luke counts as something but at this stage I wouldn't exactly call us friends.
Maybe I'm over feeling overshadowed by my boyfriend, 'mr popular' the one everyone can get along with no matter what. It's like he is a superhero and I'm his pathetic little sidekick who stands outside conversations, never invited in. clutching her phone with the contacts open when someone asks for everyone's number, then quietly closing it when she realises that they didn't mean you.
There I go again with the dramatisation. These thoughts had never fully occurred to me until I heard them slip from Ashton's mouth. He finally came home late enough that it technically could be considered the next day. He reeked of whisky, cheap beer, cigarettes and the kind of perfume you would associate with a middle school locker room. Of course this made me even more pissed than before.
Now I'm not a complete buzzkill, I don't mind a few drinks every now and then. But seeing him like that -wasted to the point I had to strip him down in the front yard and hose his vomit off him- just did my head in. After a few minutes of sobering up he was able to pull together 'sentences'. If you can even call them that. It sounded like a toddler got given a hat with a bunch of words in it and strung together a sentence with whatever they pulled out.  He managed to mumble out the words
"I'm sorry" when I basically screamed at him for leaving me alone on our anniversary, without even telling me who he was with.
"I was with friends," he said,
"It was nothing to worry about" he said.
"You're just being a jealous bitch" he said.
"Just because you rely on me for your entire social life you think that I have to be here for your every need. I am allowed to have a life Kat. I am allowed to have friends"
I had never seen him more angry than he was that night, and that terrified me. He knew that as well. He knew about my ex going out and partying all night and coming home drunk and angry, just like he did that night. Maybe that's the real reason I was upset. I think it's because I thought that Ashton would turn out just like my ex.
It was too much for me, I was certain Ashton was different. Ever since we met on that lonely December afternoon with the sun setting and gentle ocean breeze rustling our hair. He had done everything in his power to make sure I was happy, to make sure we were happy. And now I felt the little happiness we shared slip right through my fingertips.

"Hey", my cousin wiped his eyes in an attempt to keep himself awake, "what are you doing here."
I imagined how I must look to him right now. My eyes were puffy and red, my skin almost as white as the old t-Shirt I was wearing. Oh how ironic this entire thing was, that after all of this I end up right back where I started. In a house surrounded by people who don't care about me.
"I didn't know where else to go, if you don't want me here I'll leave. But please im willing to do anything. I'll even apologise to your girlfriend. Please. I'm begging you"
"Come in Kat"
The house was the same as the all too familiar house Id lived in for almost 5 years. Except the faint smell of cigarette and vanilla was gone and instead replaced with the indescribable scent of a male. I looked around for his girlfriend.
"You seem less pissed off at me than you did the last time I saw you", I tried to say something to break the ice. But I could tell by the way he flinched slightly- and by the way my hand unknowingly went to the place on my eye he punched me- that it wasn't the right thing to say.
"What are you doing here" there was no humour in his voice, just a steady robotic pace.
"It's just, it's Ashton"
"What about him"
I hesitated, running my hand on the back of my neck. How was I going to explain this without sounding like a superficial bitch, "Just needed to let things cool down I guess".
I shrugged, trying to make everything seem more casual than it actually was. The last thing I was going to do was appear like a vulnerable child crawling back to safety when they were just told off by a teacher.
"Well you're welcome to stay here a few nights, and you don't need to worry about apologising to her. We're through. You were right, turns out she's been cheating on me for the past 2 years"

*******
That night I couldn't sleep. It was the first time I had spent an entire night alone since I moved in with ashton. I couldn't get my mind off of him, any tiny amount of sleep I managed to get was interrupted with memories of ash and I together. Jesus Christ what have I done. I'd spent too much time thinking about the few negative things he's done for me in the past, and not enough time thinking about the good things.
I pulled out my phone ready to text him just as soon as he texted me

Ash- I fucked up big time. I don't know where you went and I don't know if I should find you. But if you want to sort this out meet me at the park tomorrow at 4.