fading memories || Ashton Irwin

The reunion

The loud noises of people socializing erupted through the air; the clanging of cooking utensils being put to use in the kitchen, people laughing and waiters overly happy voices as they spoke to the customers, hoping it would earn them a tip. To my left- sitting in a corner booth hidden away from the rest of the restaurant- was a young couple, no older than 16. They were on a first date, that was obvious by the way they sat. Her hands folded across her stomach, his hands awkwardly rubbing his neck, the conversation was littered with small silences and uncomfortable giggles as they began to learn more about each other. I couldn't help but grin and remember what it was like to be that young, on my first date with a boy wishing I wouldn't embarrass myself. Oblivious to the pain that was about to unfold when me and the guy started dating. I guess that was just the ignorance of youth. A few tables away from them was a couple who looked to be in their early 40's I noticed the wedding rings that adorned each of their fingers. So they were married; their graying hair suggesting a life of stress, through children I assumed. The man's eyes were rimmed with tears and the woman was gazing into her soup, moving around the spoon places in it but never eating any. Seconds before I overheard an argument between the two. The woman had been cheating on the man for two years. They were getting a divorce. I glance between the two couples; the young teenagers who in a few months time will be whispering promises of forever to each other under the night sky; and the middle aged couple who had seen their fair share of romantic nights and un-kept promises. It was almost as if i was watching a relationship unfold in front of me, suddenly I was left guessing and filing in the blanks for both of the couples. Mentally writing the future for the teenagers and inventing the past for the older couple. I couldn't help but wonder if all relationships started and ended the same; from puppy dog eyes made in the low lit corner of a restaurant to arguments, uneaten food and eventually separation.

I decided it was best not to think about it, there was no use bumming myself out before my first lunch with my mother in 6 years. I checked my phone- the time read 1:40. I re-read the message to make sure I got the time and place right.

from mum- 1:30 at the place we shared our last meal together
The place we shared our last meal- a tiny Italian restaurant about a 20 minute drive from the house I grew up in. This was the place my parents told me they were leaving. I was freshly 14 and at that time I should've been stressing about going into high school. Instead my nights were filled with worrying about family, wishing that one day we would all be reunited. That dream was far fetched, I lost sight of it by my 16th birthday. I tried to push away any negative memories I had of the place and of my mother- I was going to be optimistic and start fresh, well that's what I hoped at least.

I watched the clock hanging on the wall above the kitchen click over to signify it was now 2 o'clock. She was half an hour late. I knew I shouldn't have come, it was stupid and ignorant of me to put my trust in a women who had already abandoned me in the past. I began gathering my wallet, stuffing it into my handbag and drinking the last sip of water I had ordered. I began scooting away from the booth seat when I heard the familiar female voice.
"Katerina, honey. It's so good to see you" my mothers voice was rushed and full of panic.

"It's nice of you to finally show up," I snapped back.

"Sit down please." her voice was calm and steady and -despite how much I tried to retaliate- I found myself  following her requests.

"Don't tell me what to do," I said- while doing exactly what she told me to do.

"have you ordered?" she asked. She moved into the seat next to me, She was much more frail than I remember her. The crinkles on the corners of her eyes were much deeper, the smile lines on her forehead much more prominent. Her hair- which was once only speckled with grey- was now basically completely covered in the color. She looked fragile as a china doll, one that needed to be protected from any movement that could break her. Seeing her like that, made me almost pity her. My anger subsided and I decided that if not for anyone but myself, that I would try to remain calm. I would listen to everything she had to say and have a normal discussion as adults. I would hear her out then make a judgement from there whether I wanted to keep her in my life or not.

"Well i figured I'd wait until you showed up," I tried to turn my frozen mouth into a smile and soften the bitch look I had been giving my mother for the past 5 minutes, "what are you ordering?"

She took a glance over the menu (which was just for effect, she and I both knew exact what she wanted), "pesto with grilled spinach and Veges" she said, closing the menu in the process, "and you?"

I stared down at the piece of paper in front of me then back up at my mother, I wasn't in the mood to make any decisions, I wasn't even that hungry. "I'll just have a salad I guess"

A waiter was flagged down and our food was ordered, soon enough I was running out of things to do that would mean I could ignore my mother. I wondered how I could voice my curiosity without being rude. I wanted to ask why she left me, why she would leave me like an unwanted puppy never to contact me. I wanted to ask her if she had gotten any of my messages or if she tried to get in contact with me any time before. But most of all I wanted to ask why the fuck she tried to find me now, after all these years of nothing.
"So..." I began, "why uh, why are you here?"

"Kat, there are so many things I want to explain.. It's just."

"It's just what mum? You left me simple as that." I said with a slight smirk.

"Please I didn't come here to fight." She was patient, patient as fuck, I'll give her that.

"Then start explaining because I've wasted too much time wondering about you"

She shifted slightly in her seat as if the words I had just spoken had hurt her in some way, maybe under different circumstances I would have actually felt bad about slashing out at her. But at that point I was too livid too care, between you and me I kinda wished everyone of those words cut her like knifes.

"I know you won't be able to forgive me but you have to understand my circumstances. It was your father, he needed to move for work and you just seemed so happy in Sydney we didn't want to move you." Her voice was steady and unmoved but her hands shook with anxiety and her eyes were brimmed with water.

"You and me both know well and true I wasn't happy here" I muttered under my breath, wishing I had soup (like the woman) so I could focus my attention on that rather than the conversation, "and dad didn't have a job."

"We did what we thought was best for you sweetheart. We always have." She choked slightly on her words as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Even if every lie you just said was true; if you thought that me leaving Sydney would make me suddenly depressed; if dad really had a job offer- speaking of dad, where the fuck is he?"
I didn't realise I had raised my voice until an elderly couple in the booth next to us started to stare.
"If you really wanted what's best for me- you could've at least told me where you were going. I spent six years trying to forget you. I'd gladly do it all over again."

"Your father is gone"
I was taken back slightly obviously expecting the worst.
"He isn't dead honey, I found out two years ago that he had been cheating on me for pretty much our entire relationship. I left him in California to try to start fresh"

Don't get me wrong, my parents didn't have the perfect relationship before they left. They would constantly argue and cause general unrest- normal bumps on the road in terms of relationships. But they were in love there was no denying that. I was always closest with my father, my mum never tried very hard to build a relationship with me. I was almost certain he didn't cheat on her, that wasn't something he would ever do. Something about her story just didn't add up. Like if she found out two years ago, why is she only here now.
"Mum, just one question...." Her face changed in an instant, from fragile and sympathetic to- scarred? Anxious? I couldn't exactly pin point her emotion.

"The chicken pesto and the salad?" Our overly happy waiter chimed in, cutting me off from asking what I needed to.

"Actually I think I'll get mine takeaway- I need to be off" she pretended to look at her watch, later I would question the legitimacy of her excuse.
She kissed me on the forehead and grabbed her bag, "bye Kat."

And just like that she had Walked right out of my life, again. The only benefit was that this time, I had a goodbye.