fading memories || Ashton Irwin

The kiss

"Ashton" I repeat, he has fallen silent, "what are you doing here?"
"I..I'm sorry" he finally chokes out. He takes a step in almost as if he is about to hug me then hesitates. There was a visual release of tension from his body followed by a sigh.
I wasn't sure what I was expecting, I didn't know if I wanted him to give me a lengthy apology, or if I wanted to fall into his arms and have the familiar feeling of them wrapped around me. Instead of doing any of that I just sit still on the swings, staring into the eyes of a boy who seemed both so familiar yet foreign.
"I know that there will be nothing I can say that will make you forgive me, and nothing I can say justifies what I did. I don't know how I can make up for that. Just know that I am so sorry, I was selfish and an ass and was only thinking about myself." He finally broke the silence.
"Look ash," I tried to gather my thoughts about the entire thing. I rehearsed what I was going to say to him a million times before hand but now my mind was completely blank. I laced and unlaced my fingers a few times, remembering the first time I felt Ashton's touch.
"I want to forgive you," I paused. Ashton let out a small gasp. " I realized all the things I would be missing out on if we did break up, I was in a messed up place before you came into my life and I couldn't imagine a world without you in it."
The tension in Ashton's shoulders subsided and the corners of his mouth raised slightly into a smile.
"But..." I continued.
"But?"
"But I don't know if I can trust you anymore ash"
"Please babe, I will do anything I can to make it up to you. We can work this out. Please" he took a step towards me and I felt my self being drawn towards him. His hand reached out to wrap around my waist while his other rested slightly at the back of my head. There was some kind of energy pulling me towards him, but at the same time an energy pushing me away from him.
Seconds before, no. Milliseconds before our lips were about to touch Ashton rested his forehead on mine.
"We shouldn't be doing this." He opened his eyes to lock them on mine, "even though I really want to" he said, pushing a strand of hair back behind my ear.
I pulled him back onto the swing next to me. Our feet kicked along the ground and I couldn't help but grin. This moment reminded me so much of what my childhood friends and I used to do; Sit on this exact swing set with the bitter winter breeze coming in nipping at our fingers. We would talk for hours about nothing at all.
And that's what ash and I did.
We sat and we talked, until the sun had set and the moon had began to rise. We spoke about us, and our relationship. From the first meeting on the beach to the first fight. And finally the last one. It was nice to reminisce about this kind of stuff with him, it was a way for me to really open my eyes and for the first time see everything clearly. Ashton opened up about a lot of stuff then, its funny, you think you know someone so well. I mean fuck, Ash and i had been together for the past year and living with each other pretty much all of that time. But there are some people you will never truly understand- no matter how long you've known them, or how close and intimate you get; and Ash was one of them.

Finally the conversation ran dry, i took a quick glance at my phone it was 3am, in a glance I saw i had 5 missed calls but didn't bother looking who it was. I had no inclination to call them back, if it was Luke he would understand if I tell him I was sorting stuff out with Ash. I was just about to speak, make up some lie about how I had to get home (which wouldn't have worked anyway considering no one was missing me or wondering where i was) when I heard a muffled sigh, followed by Ash speaking. 

//

ASHTON 

"I'm afraid Kat" I admitted. 

The shock was noticeable in her eyes even when only half lit in the moonlight. I wished that she would speak up and say something because the silence between us seemed to stretch on and on forever, instead I felt her small hand reach for mine. She gave it a reassuring squeeze before asking 
"Of what?"

I looked back at the girl I'd spent the last Year of my life loving, these few days away from her made me realize how much I needed her in my life.  I was madly in love with this girl. And i'm not going to say that it was her that mended me because I don't believe in the idea that another person can cure depression or save a persons life. But she helped me along the way. She reminded me what it was like to laugh and feel happy. After years of never truly feeling like I existed being around her reminded me feel present. She didn't fix me but she helped me fix myself. 

I wanted to find a way to tell her all of that, something that would explain how much I cared about and valued her. However I was never really good at words, so instead all I could  say was 

"Of loosing you."

"Ash," she sounded sympathetic, "you will never loose me." She lifted herself off the swing still holding my hand and dragged me with her. Her hands rested on my shoulders and she used her finger to lift my head until our eyes locked in contact. Her lips opened slightly as if she was about to say something but she hesitated. 

I couldn't take it any more, I had to kiss her. There was no way i could go another second without feeling the familiar feeling of our lips moving together in perfect harmony. I inched my face closer and rested my forehead against hers once again. 
"Can I kiss you?" I asked. 

"Yes."