Lay Me Down (MxM)

A Very Personal Author Update

Author Life Update: (I know it's been a while, and you've all been waiting patiently, warning, it's a long update, and there will be brief mention of some mental health topics like depression/and Suic*dal ideation.)

Also! I promise LMD is NOT coming to an end, I am NOT giving up on this book, that's not what this update is about. The goal is to get a bit personal here and open up about the things going on in my life—I have worried for a long time you all may be thinking I am just lazy or not working on my book because I don't feel like it, but that couldn't be further from the truth. So, please read if you can. :')

Without further ado, hi humans!

I apologize that it's been several months since you last heard from me, and that it's taken a lot longer for me to get the editing/reworking done that I had discussed in past updates. Summer didn't go like I thought it would, for one. With our eldest on Summer break, and then no consistent childcare to give me (or my husband really) some space in any shape or form, any breaks at all... like ever, let alone to spend time with my husband or even go on a date, or even stay up to watch movies (we're so exhausted we can't even hardly do that anymore). So, all that plus essentially having zero personal time in any capacity on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, and lastly, consistent medical crises going on in our little home all left me with very little time to write.

To open up a little about our home life, we have two extremely high-needs children, one who is medically complex and to whom I am not just 'little dad' but also their 24/7 medical caregiver/nurse. The other is AuDHD and going through huge transitions at this time, so they have struggled understandably with intense levels of dysregulation—it's been extremely difficult for that little one, and for the whole family. I myself am AuDHD and have been in my own consistent state of dysregulation pretty much since Summer began. I'm unable to do the things that would benefit me in order to regulate—like take personal time, even a few minutes of quiet in a separate room to breathe, close my eyes, or even have a solid cry cause I'm such an emotional little guy.

This summer has been incredibly challenging for our whole family, emotionally, mentally, physically, in that we've been hit with back-to-back sickness essentially the whole summer, on top of dealing with constant medical problems between the youngest little one and myself. I know that I've mentioned my health struggles a bit in updates in the past, but things have gotten significantly worse for my health as the autoimmune disease I have is now attacking my airway, and unfortunately my insurance is continuing to refuse to cover the medication I need. I live every day on a terribly high dose of steroids which is awful for my organs and in general suppresses my immune system even more and puts me susceptible to catching more shitty stuff throughout the coming Autumn. This shit has had me scared and depressed, because I feel I am just watching my body shut down in front of me, and taking all these medications that make me feel awful, but nothing gets better. There's no reprieve, no escape. Seeing parts of me change and visibly break down in ways that I can't fix. It's very surreal seeing people die from this disease at least several times a month in the support groups I've joined.

I try not to think about it and otherwise just try to get through each day, because surviving every day with the little ones at home is a feat in itself. I know some here may not yet fully grasp how challenging being a parent is as perhaps you're not yet parents yourselves, while I know there are some parents in here as well who do know how tough it can be, especially without any breaks... like ever. I've felt like I'm suffocating most days—in my broken body that needs such a huge rest but can't get it—mentally—because I'm an autistic guy who basically cannot tend to his own autistic needs like he needs to in order to stay regulated because he lives in an environment with small children who basically make that impossible.