Things Bucky Barnes Doesn't Do Well

Online Dating

"Come on, man, I don't need this," Barton was saying to Tony, both of them standing in front of one of Tony's screens.

Steve glanced over at Bucky, unfastening his helmet and removing it. "What's going on?" he asked conversationally as he continued into the room. Bucky followed more slowly, thinking he'd rather get a drink and a shower after their latest mission.

Throwing them a grin, Tony answered Clint instead. "You absolutely do need it. Think of how left out you'll be next time we all go out with our lady friends."

"How is a computer going to help with that?" Steve asked.

Clint rolled his eyes while Tony coughed in surprise. "He wants to sign me up for online dating," the former replied.

"It's a perfectly acceptable form of courtship," Tony said defensively.

Moving forward to get a look at what they were doing, Bucky's eyes narrowed. "How does it work?" He was relatively familiar with the technological advancements that had been made while he was... busy, but had no idea how they could be applied to something like dating.

"Come check it out, geriatric duo," Tony answered, waving his arms theatrically.

Steve smiled politely while Clint rolled his eyes again. Bucky looked over the screen and decided it didn't look very promising.

Gesturing, Tony filled them in on the mechanics of the site. "You fill in your information here, put a picture of yourself here, and an algorithm matches you up with people who are compatible with you."

"Can't say I'm too fond of algorithms," Steve grumbled, and Bucky snorted.

"Does it do a good job?" Bucky asked.

Tony shrugged. "I don't know. I wouldn't say I was using it correctly, before Pepper."

"But you have been since Pepper?" Clint said dryly.

Shooting him a glare, Tony adopted a convincingly innocent expression. "Why would I use it at all?"

"Why do you think Clint needs it?" Steve interrupted effectively.

"Maybe I'd just really like to sit everyone boy-girl at our formal dinners," Tony muttered defensively.

Clint laughed. "Oh, right, all the formal Avengers dinners everyone's always talking about. I guess I'd actually be invited to one if I brought a girl."

"What about Bruce?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Cap, do you need your eyes checked? Bruce is clearly of the male persuasion," Tony said in a stage whisper.

Steve waved his hand, as if he could wave the comment away. "I mean, why aren't you bugging him about this program? Or have you already gotten him signed up?"

"Maybe I'm trying to get all my single friends back in the game. Birdguy here, the rage monster downstairs, Capsicle, the two brainwashed Russian spies." The tone in which Tony spoke sounded long-suffering and Bucky questioned where Pepper was. Clearly, Tony needed some attention.

Laughter met his statement, particularly from Clint. "You think 'Tasha would willingly do something like this?" he asked, incredulous and still laughing.

Tony shifted uncomfortably. "Well, maybe not willingly..."

"You didn't," Bucky said, glancing between Tony and Clint, then looking at Steve, who seemed as amused as he was.

"She's going to kill you if she finds out," Steve told their host.

"And that's not an idle threat, from 'Tasha," Clint warned, shaking his head in mock despair.

"Look, I just set it up. I didn't activate it yet! She can edit it first. Pepper helped!"

The three of them looked at each other for confirmation. "That's good," Clint said at last.

"Yeah, Nat and Pepper are friends," Steve added.

Tony frowned at them. "And I'm not friends with her?"

"Are you?" Clint asked politely.

Wrinkling his nose, Tony shrugged. "I'm not sure how I could tell..."

"What are you guys talking about?" Natasha's voice broke in suddenly, and they all whirled around to find her standing in the doorway. She put her hands on her hips and quirked an eyebrow at their reaction.

"Nothing," Tony insisted, waving a hand and causing the monitor to go black.

She smirked. "Subtle, Stark. You've got Rogers over there. You know he can't hide anything," she added with a wink.

"Tony was just explaining to us some more modern methods for dating," Bucky offered, drawing her attention. Her eyes narrowed a little at the statement and she turned to look at Steve.

"Things aren't working out with Sharon?"

Steve shifted his weight, looking like he wanted to spill the beans. "No, it's fine with her, I just..."

"We were trying to get Barnes here a date," Clint added.

"Ladies love a man in uniform," Tony chimed in, and Bucky shot him a glare. 'They do,' Tony mouthed defensively in response, quickly changing his expression to a smile when Natasha looked at him again.

"That's true," she offered slowly, then walked over to the console and turned the monitor back on. "What is this?" Her words were measured and seemed calm, but Bucky could tell by her tense muscles that she was not. Whether she was hiding anger or amusement was impossible to tell, though.

"Stark did it," Clint said immediately, grinning when Tony glared at him.

Natasha scrolled down the page, frowning in concentration. "Well, it's fairly accurate," she offered at the end, and everyone relaxed a bit. Until she straightened and fixed Tony with a stony glare. "You think I can't find my own dates?"

"I was just trying to help!"

"What other profiles have you made, Stark?"

He cleared his throat, looking at them guiltily, but didn't answer.

"JARVIS?"

"Yes, Agent Romanoff?"

"Who else has Tony been impersonating on this site?"

The AI paused a moment, perhaps giving Tony time to order him not to speak. "Yourself and Dr. Banner, ma'am."

"I knew Bruce would be too uncomfortable with doing it himself, but what with what happened with Betty, I thought he could get back out there," Tony said quietly.

Natasha raised an eyebrow at him. "Fine, why me?"

"I was just wondering if, you know, the two of you made a good match," he muttered and looked ready to run.

To everyone's relief, she just laughed. "Well, let me know what it says," she told him, clearly still amused, and left the room.

"What do you think she meant by that?" Clint asked.

Tony shuddered and shook his head. "I'm just glad to be alive," he replied.

"Nat's not all that scary," Steve said protectively, and Bucky smiled at the tone.

"Yeah, sure," Tony grumbled as he headed toward his lab. The rest of them exchanged a look, and Clint shrugged.

"Well, let's go get cleaned up, Buck," Steve suggested, and they left Clint alone with the online dating service.

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