Things Bucky Barnes Doesn't Do Well

Handle Children

Things used to be simpler. Not because of the now outdated technology. Not because everyone was patriotic and politics were uncomplicated. Not because he was younger then and is nostalgic. No, things were simpler because he didn't have to worry about gods or eldritch creatures or mad scientists. Men who made monsters or became ones themselves.

When he was young, they were not wealthy, but did alright. Well enough to help out that skinny kid down the street. He went to school, played in the street with the other boys, went home for dinner. Simple. Later, he worked at the factory and walked home with Steve, who was taking art classes on the way. Simple. Then the war started and he soon found himself in basic training. And that was simple, too.

Being a soldier was, well, not exactly simple when HYDRA weapons came into account. But he managed and the only surprising thing was Steve showing up out of nowhere to save his ass from a lab table. Then things changed, but returned to the same simplicity he had come to expect. Until he fell from that damn train. Then things got even simpler – he slept, they woke him, he killed, and he slept again. Horrifyingly simple.

He certainly isn't nostalgic for that time. But now he's faced with new, unaccountable scenarios almost monthly. A shadow that can pass through walls or make himself solid enough to kill you. A Nazi scientist still alive because he's uploaded his brain into a machine. So, after a rough mission, when he returns to Avengers Tower to find all his teammates have turned into toddlers, he's hardly surprised. Certainly not pleased, but not surprised.

Steve is sitting next to the elevator, waiting for him. "Bucky!" he cries in delight when the doors open.

Bucky blinks down at the small, blond boy grinning up at him. "Oh, hell," he grumbles.

Steve's little brow furrows. "No cussing!" he admonishes.

"Sorry, Stevie," Bucky replies and picks up the child. He remembers some of caring for his little sister, but he doesn't think he knows how to deal with a toddler. Hoping someone else is home, he heads for the common room.

Something small and hard hits his arm, and he turns sharply to find another little blond boy holding a slingshot. His eyes grow wide when Bucky sees him and he starts to run.

"Whoa, there, Clint," Bucky says, a sinking feeling in his stomach as he catches the child with his metal arm. Careful not to hurt him, he lifts him and continues in the same direction. He hears them before he sees them, and is, again, not surprised to see young Natasha, Tony, Rhodey, and Bruce. The first two are fighting over something, Bruce is quietly playing in the corner, and Rhodey is trying to get Tony to let it go.

Bruce seems to be the oldest of the group, so Bucky sets down Steve and Clint to go talk to him. "Hey, Bruce," he says quietly, watching the two he brought take Natasha's side.

"Hello," Bruce replies, looking up at him warily.

"Do you remember what happened?" he asks.

Bruce frowns a little. "When?"

"To make you all kids," Bucky suggests.

Perplexed, Bruce shakes his head slowly. At that point, Natasha has successfully wrested control of a model plane from Tony and runs away with it. Tony follows, and they both trip over Bruce, who starts to cry. Then, fascinatingly, he turns in to a tiny version of the Hulk. The other kids understandably run and/or start crying, but Bucky is relieved to find he can still pick up the little guy without hurting either of them.

"It's okay, Bruce," he says, feeling uncomfortable. He and the doctor aren't exactly close. "Calm down, big guy."

Somehow, it works, because the little Hulk turns back into himself, and promptly falls asleep in Bucky's arms. Biting his lip, Bucky takes him over to the couch and sets him down gently. The crisis averted, the children have gotten back to squabbling.

"Hey, listen up!" Bucky calls, not too loud. They freeze, staring at him. "Okay, who remembers what happened today?" he asks, more gently.

"I do! I do!" Tony shouts, running toward him.

"Alright, what was it?" Bucky prompts when the child continues to chant the phrase.

"It was Thor!" Tony tells him enthusiastically.

God or no, Bucky doesn't think Thor could do this to them. But maybe he can help and isn't a tiny child. "Was it? Do you know where he is, Tony?" Bucky questions.

"Bucky! He won't give it back!" Steve's anguished cry interrupts them.

He turns to see Steve and a tiny Hulk grappling over the model airplane. Bucky supposes that Steve must still have his super strength to be holding his own here. He heads over to help when Natasha jumps between them, kicking them apart, and taking the toy for herself. Then she runs off to join Clint, perched on the back of the couch.

Bucky rubs his face with his real hand. "Why don't we have any more toys?" he grumbles.

"What didja say about toys?" Tony asks, pulling at his sleeve.

"Can you tell me where Thor is?" Bucky responds.

Tony frowns up at him. "I can for a toy," he says, and Bucky tries not to laugh at his serious expression.

"Yeah, we'll tell you for a new toy," Rhodey chimes in with his friend.

It's difficult not to swear again, but he figures it would make the little ones freak out. Surely there are toys somewhere in this place... Or something they could use as toys. He wracks his brain, considering. They all have their quirks, but he's surprised they even found the model that they did, let alone any other toys.

"Hey, everybody! Let's go find some toys!" he shouts. The response is deafening and he can't resist smiling as he herds them all toward the elevator.

It's irrationally frightening to get them all over the split between the real floor and the elevator, but he manages. Clint and Steve are immediately climbing the wall, but he doesn't think they can hurt themselves too much in the short ride down to the ground floor. He immediately regrets his decision as soon as they get to the doors outside. There's no way he'll be able to keep track of all of them, he thinks.

They attract considerable attention, with him still in his uniform and six little kids running all around him. Some people stare, some offer help. He manages to get them into a toy store two doors down and tells them they can each pick out one toy. A time limit helps, but the store owners are watching them very suspiciously while the children run around and pick something special. Natasha picks a ballerina doll, Clint a new sling shot, Tony a fancy-looking Nerf gun, Rhodey a toy plane, Bruce a chemistry set, and Steve just stands stoically by his side and says he wants nothing.

After paying and getting a sympathetic look from the cashier, he herds them back home. Steve is helpful, and Bucky feels bad about his lack of toy. If they stay children much longer, he'll have to make reparations there. But hopefully Thor is home and will know what to do. He manages to get all of them into the elevator and back up to the common room. Tony isn't too happy about being interrupted at playtime, but confesses that "He-Man" is on the roof.

Nervous as he feels about leaving them on their own, he heads up and is considerably relieved to find Thor there, talking to someone clearly from Asgard.

"Ah, Sergeant Barnes! A successful mission?" Thor asks jovially when he spots Bucky.

"The mission was, yeah. Are you aware that everyone downstairs is about three years old?" Bucky responds, a little crankily.

"What?" Thor questions, looking sharply at his friend, who smiles.

"I have that effect on Midgardians, I'm afraid. Perhaps you'd better come visit me next time," the older man says, smiling sadly.

Thor nods, and the man disappears as though he never existed. "What the hell?" Bucky mutters.

"I'll explain later. Let's go check on our friends," Thor replies.

Sighing loudly, Bucky follows him back downstairs and is very relieved to find everyone their correct age. Thor explains the situation to everyone, but he can't seem to care. How he wishes things would just go back to be simple, like they used to be.