Things Bucky Barnes Doesn't Do Well

Keeping His Temper

Bucky is not hard to pick out in a crowd. Not because of his arm (he has the sense to cover that up, of course), but because he struggles to act like the people around him. To relax. To make it seem like he's just another tourist or shopper or pedestrian. Something about him is always tense, ready for an attack. This is good for his line of work, but he's not always working. If he is part of a stealth mission, he must be unseen completely or he'll blow their covers. He's good at disappearing, being a ghost, but it's easier to just leave him at home most of the time.

He doesn't like being left at home. He'd always prefer to have something to do with himself, and staying in the Tower isn't quite what he wants in that department. The training rooms are useful, but he has his daily regimen and extra time on his hands will not be spent in those places. At least, very little of it. The labs are interesting and he likes to watch them in use, but doesn't use them himself. So it's pretty boring for him to be left here, while everyone else is out saving the world.

Somewhat fortunately, he is not the only one left behind. In fact, more often than not, Bruce elects not to get involved. He's been living in the Tower for longer than anyone (well, perhaps just the same amount as Tony and Pepper) and seems very comfortable there. So, when Bucky is stuck at home, he usually goes to talk to Bruce.

"Hey, Buck," Bruce says kindly as Bucky steps out of the elevator.

"Hello," Bucky replies, never quite sure of his welcome. But today Bruce smiles at him before continuing whatever experiment he is doing.

There are many things with which Bucky is familiar, and he was always very interested in scientific advancements. Still, he has somewhat given up on asking Bruce what he is doing with his lab and chemicals and instruments. Perhaps he has missed too much, or perhaps it's just because he doesn't have a doctorate in anything (or a masters, or a bachelors, for that matter), but he has no idea what the man is talking about after a couple of sentences in. So he contents himself with just watching and trying to guess what amazing changes modern life will have if Bruce is successful.

"Under cover again?" Bruce asks lightly as he pours something from one vial to another, very carefully.

"Well, Nat and Clint took Steve as backup on one of their missions. Tony's actually asleep for once, and Thor's off-world," Bucky tells him, realizing a moment too late that it sounds like he only visits Bruce when he has no other options.

Bruce gives him a smile as though reading his mind, and then returns to his work. "Glad to hear Tony's getting some rest. He should sleep more."

Bucky shrugs. He can understand why Stark would want to refrain from falling unconscious until he was tired enough to avoid dreaming. It's tempting. "I guess," he replies belatedly.

"It's as important to give your mind time to work through everything and heal yourself as it is for your body," Bruce tells him. "Or so I hear. It's not my field," he adds with a wink.

Smiling hesitantly, Bucky pulls himself onto a stool nearby to get a better look at what's happening. Given Bruce's lack of safety gear (not that he really needs it), he can assume it's not too dangerous to be close by. "I'm sure you know more about than the rest of us," he offers.

"Why would you say that, Bucky?" Bruce asks.

After considering how far it would be wise to go, he shrugs again. "Seems like you've got more cause to know about your emotions, is all."

Bruce nods seriously at that, then looks up at him piercingly. "We all have our demons," he replies.

Blinking, Bucky nods. "I suppose."

"It's important to deal with them, not let them fester."

"Is it?"

Biting his lip, Bruce sets down his instruments and leans back a little to look at the soldier more studiously. "Cap says your memories come back when you sleep. I can see that being unpleasant. But you'll get more rest if you control it better."

Bucky looks away, thinking he should have just stayed upstairs and done a crossword or something. "Sure," he replies noncommittally.

"And if you had more rest, you wouldn't be on edge all day. And then you'd be fit for undercover missions," Bruce explains, comforting smile evident in his tone.

"Oh, I see. You're just trying to get rid of me," Bucky says with a forced grin.

Bruce lets the mood change. "Well, yeah. Can't have a skilled assassin coming down here and getting underfoot," he jokes.

"I'll try to stay out of the way," Bucky promises, surveying the room with a smile.

"Good, because some other people aren't quite so polite about it. I remember one time Tony came by, before the rest of you moved in, and accosted me for a couple hours to tell me about... something."

"You don't remember?"

"I dozed off. About when he was in Sweden, I think. Or Switzerland. It was just some party story from his heyday in the late nineties."

Bucky is struck by the thought of what he was doing in the nineties, and frowns. He doesn't remember much, even now, but enough so that it takes him a few moments to realize Bruce is calling his name.

"Earth to Bucky," Bruce finally says, sounding exasperated.

"Sorry, what?" Bucky asks, shaking his head to clear it.

"Did you and Steve get up to a lot of partying before you shipped out?" Bruce changes the subject abruptly.

After a moment of thought, Bucky shrugs. "Not sure what you would consider partying. We went out dancing on my last night, but Steve abandoned me to go try to get into the Army again."

Bruce blinks slowly, then something clicks and he laughs. "I forgot our Captain wasn't always so... impressive. How many times did he try?"

"I don't know, like half a dozen. Kept lying on 'em about where he was from, in hopes that someplace would be desperate enough to take him."

"I see. He was eventually successful, though?"

"Sort of. Some doctor decided to let him in because he thought he'd be a prime candidate for the super soldier serum. I don't expect he would have seen front lines otherwise."

Bruce nods his understanding. "You remember a lot from back then?"

Sighing through his nose, Bucky toys with some of the laboratory equipment in front of him. "Yeah, I guess being around Steve helps remind me of stuff," he explains haltingly.

Have returned to his experiment, Bruce nods again. "Not much from after that?"

"Too much," Bucky replies shortly.

"Do you think it will all come back?" Bruce asks quietly.

Standing up abruptly, Bucky begins to pace. "You saw the scans of my brain. What do you think?"

"I think there are too many variables to be able to tell, since we don't know everything they did to you. And, frankly, it doesn't seem like you should be able to access any of your memories," Bruce adds.

That stops Bucky in his tracks. "I don't want to," he mutters.

Bruce puts his tools down and walks over to put a hand on Bucky's shoulder (the right one, of course; few people come near his left). "Maybe not, but it will help. Then you'll be able to process the strong emotions attached to them instead of being confused and afraid of them."

"I'm not afraid," he snaps, but they both know he's lying.

"Give it a try, my friend. It worked for me."

Bucky shrugs off his hand and leaves the lab, upset but aware that the doctor is right. He'll have to give it a try, but not today.

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