A slow fall

Chapter 21 - Caleb

     Sometimes I wished I didn't exist in my mind. The thoughts it harboured were at times too hard for even me to live in. I suppose it made sense; the world was equally as difficult.

At times I felt peace, like the storm raging inside me had calmed and the waves now settled. Though the storm clouds never cleared, always lingering in the not so far distance. Always waiting and ready to change the tides.

Even though I knew this, I was never prepared. Never fully equipped to deal with the predictable. Was it self sabotage?

I'd tried to hype myself up, to be optimistic and happy. It seemed once my mind had set course I was unable to change it. I was travelling towards the choppy seas and couldn't figure out a way to turn the boat around.

It wasn't always brought sporadically. It wasn't a surprise that after yesterday I shut down.

My parents acted surprised.

My mum came into my room Sunday morning, dressed up for Church and another day of family fun.

"What's wrong sweetie?" She asked as she sat beside me on the bed. Her hand found its way to my hair, stroking it gently and I didn't have the strength to pull away from the unwanted touch.

Words felt too heavy, too much. I didn't respond, so she did it for me. "I know yesterday was hard, but you did so well."

Silence.

Her hand paused for a moment as she scrutinised my face. "You're having an episode?"It was more of a statement, the reality laying in front of her. "This is a good thing. God's testing you sweetheart, that means he hasn't turned his back on you. It will all be okay soon."

This is my cross to bear.

She stayed with me for a few more minutes, her words painful and her presence unwanted. They cut deep into my body, joining the multitude of wounds already there, and I found myself slipping further into the abyss.

"You're doing this again?" My father's voice was angry when he entered my room, the clock ticking further to the time they—we–would need to leave.

Dad walked straight over to my curtains, the light now entering in allowed me to see the look of disgust on his face. "Have you done your homework?"

Between my check up and family time, no I hadn't managed to do anything else. My silence was enough. His jaw ticked.

"We have to leave for Church soon. You need to get dressed."

My body wouldn't move. My mind ten paces behind. When nothing happened he threw the covers off of me before grabbing my arm and pulling me up.

"Fine then." My body felt heavy and I wasn't in control of it; it moved where he wanted it to. I was simply a puppet and he had always been the master pulling my strings. "If you want to act like this, so be it. I will not have you out in public embarrassing us."

The darkness came into view, the small cupboard sat tauntingly soon open and awaiting its victim.

"You will sit in here until we return."

"Use the time to think about your behaviour Caleb," her sickly sweet voice made me nauseous, "you showed to us yesterday you're trying to get better. This isn't better."

"Exactly. You need to think about how you act and how these actions make us all look. This is your cross to bear, it's embarrassing to publicly flaunt it. Do you want people to praise you for doing the bare minimum? It's your own private struggle. Your faith in God and continuous prayer is the only way to fix yourself. Spend the next few hours doing just that. We will talk more when we get home."