Happiness doesnt last

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Have you ever felt like you're just going through the motions? Simply existing, not living? I don't know if I can put these feelings into words, but I'll try. Lately I've just been feeling so alone, so broken, so betrayed, so hurt, so lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't afford to let myself be happy anymore. I'm in too much debt. Each time I let myself be happy, it all gets taken away. Through everything that's happened, I've learned that happiness never lasts. Sure, there's moments where you're happy, but do they really last? I've also learned that I am not capable of being loved or cared for. I've learned that many people will use you and dispose of you after they've gotten what they wanted. I can longer afford to let anyone in, to get close to anyone. The risk is too big. It's like jumping off of something. Some people looking before jumping. Some just jump. Me? I hold on to the edge as long as possible. Maybe it's like the trust fall. I can never get it right. I always step back and hesitate. Others give it all or nothing and trust they their partner will catch them. They say it's the hesitation that hurts you, but is is really? Maybe it's the all or nothing. Either way, I'm done. No hesitating to do things, but no more all or nothing. No more trust. No more getting hurt. I'm trying of crying, fighting, and trying. No cut was ever deep enough. No skipped meal was ever powerful enough to pull me out of these feelings of pure pain, frustration, and emptiness. Pain because of my "friends" frustration because of myself for letting them use and dump me like I'm nothing. "Enough is enough." I'm not sure what that means for me just yet. But I'll know soon. And when I find out, things will be difference. Maybe everything will okay..

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