Steven Universe: Still Here (Lapidot) [ancientdot AU]

Chapter Eleven

"I swear to the Diamond Authority, Lazuli, you are not splitting anyone's gem in half. Not without a massive war that spreads over the whole entire planet! It won't work without the war, you'll just succeed in killing both of us at once."

"That's okay, I'll leave the war to do that for me," Lapis rolled her eyes. "I"m just saying that Dot might be on to something. You guys have one gem, right?"

"..And we need two. That's... surprisingly clever. Well of course it is. After all, it's me who was on to something and when I'm on to something, it's always a good something. That's just confusing, you should phrase it better. You should say similar to 'I am the one who was on to something, so of course it was good.' You had multiple unnecessary words in your- Oh sorry, I didn't know that today we were learning grammar. What's next, Ms. Peri, are you gonna teach me and Lazuli the alphabet?"

"Stop arguing over whatever you're arguing over. The more you focus, the sooner you two can be separate," Lapis said, looking very thoughtful. "We need two gems, but I don't think splitting your gem in half is the way to do it."

"Splitting is a great way to do things! Something's inside a fruit so you split it open to get it! You're looking for something that's inside of something else so you split it open! You're really mad at someone so you split them open! This is sound logic. That is horrifying. Is that what you used to do, split gems open because you got 'really mad' at them? No, that's just stupid. There's something called punching. You ever heard of it? Splitting gems open is something you do when you hate them and everything they stand for. Lazuli, please help me, oh great Diamond Authority, I am stuck in a body with a psychopath. Hey! I have feelings. Technically, hatred is a feeling so.. ha! Shh, we're focusing, okay? Stop interrupting my focusing! Yeah, Peri, you're like, so intense right now. Totally getting in the zone. In the groove. Just you and your thoughts. Thinking. Focusing. Intensely. Are you finished? ..No."

"Let's brainstorm!" Lapis said.

"No." Peri said, while Dot said "No."

"You know we can't get wet, and you are suggesting we have a brainstorm? What kind of ancient evil is this? That's the stupidest thing you've said in a while. Please don't be an idiot while you're using our mouth. I just don't want to brainstorm, it's really boring."

Lapis sighed. "That's not how brainstorms work, Peri. It just means that we're all gonna come up with a bunch of ideas and put them all together and see what we get. It's like.. thinking together."

"Ha! We're already fifteen steps ahead of you. Dot, no, don't you dare. I swear, I will go underwater just to make you suffer. Don't even s- We're already thinking together! We have the same head! Aahahahaha! Even your laugh is evil. ..We have the same laugh, though."

"That's wonderful. Best joke I've ever heard in my life." Lapis deadpanned. "Okay, this isn't working. Let's.. play a game! We're each going to pretend to be someone else. I'll do Peri!"

The petite gem stood up, trying to shape up her hair into a large triangle. It just looked messier, so she left it. "Ahem," she began. "You are a massive clod! Oh no, you have broken my stuff! I am telling Yellow Diamond, clod!"

"That.. was- pretty awful! I have never said any of those things! I don't sound like that. My speech is not that stiff, Lazuli. I think it was pretty on point."

"Now, Peri, you get to pretend to be someone."

"No don't do that, I don't wanna stand up," Dot complained. "Too bad." Peri responded, standing them up.