Colour Blind

chapter nine

***

I think I must be dreaming.

I can hear voices, whispers, feel the cold air on my skin, smell the sharp scent of cleaning chemicals. But although my senses work, control of my body seems to have all but failed me. I'm just like an empty shell, but then again, that's what I've always felt like.

"Alec, please wake up, I'm sorry. I'll explain." A soft, feminine voice is whispering in my ear, making the fine hairs on my neck rise, "don't leave me."

I can smell roses, which must be the scent of her perfume, because I know that smell. It's why Violet always smells like; flowers, roses to be precise. I always imagined her to be like her namesake flower, but apparently not. I've never smelt violets, or seen the colour, but I know that it'd be a beautiful colour - it'd have to be to match her.

I feel fingers wrap around my own ones, my skin tingling, but unable to respond. I feel helpless, I'm a soul trapped in a useless body. I want to hug her, I want to tell her why I want to leave, but I can't.

"Please Alec, wake up," Violet pleads, gripping my hand tighter, "your mum, she's so worried, everyone is. You're needed in this world Alec, just like everyone else. And you're needed now."

She's right. I should never have tried this. Now everything will be ten times worse. Instead of fixing my problems, I've only created more. I'll be on suicide watch, I probably gave my mother a heart attack, I'll be watched at school, be pushed around more and be the receiver of sympathetic looks.

Great.

All I've done is made things worse, but then again, isn't that what I always do? Wasn't that what I was trying to prevent; the burden of me on other people.

Suicide is supposed to be something that's pretty darn easy. I mean, humans are such fragile creatures, how hard is it to end your life? Too hard for me, obviously. I even managed to fuck up suicide, I mean, how much more of a loser can I be? So much that I really don't want the answer to that question...

"I never should've ignored you, not now, please wake up!" She pleads beside me, but I can't Violet, I think in response, I don't want to, not now, not ever, and I don't care how selfish it sounds, "please, Alex."

I can see what she's trying to do, and it's working.

"I-it's A-Alec, with a-a c," I manage to choke out, keeping my eyes shut, but my voice, although croaky and hoarse, still works.

"I knew you could hear me," she says, her voice a mix between joy and tears as she squeezes my hand, "I'm so, so sorry Alec, don't ever do that again."

I won't do anything like it again. If I ever attempt suicide, I'll actually succeed, so I don't feel like the ultimate loser of everything. I don't want to face this now. I've only fucked up more. I'm already a fuck up, now I've just proved that even more.

I manage to pull my eyes open, bringing at a blurry Violet, the lights almost blinding, the scent of cleaning chemicals pricking my nose. I stare at Violet, unsure what to make of her. One minute, we're running around the city, the next I'm dead to her, until she shows up beside me in the hospital bed.

It's like I've always said: people only care when something dramatic happens, which right now, is exactly the case with Violet.

"Alec, I know you think I'm an ass, but I just wanted... Look, I've made bad choices in my past, and those choices still haunt me. I just don't want them to haunt you too," she says, sighing, dropping my hand to wipe her own eyes.

I want to speak, but I've used the little energy I had. My vision is blurry and dull, taking the beauty out of the world. I just want to drift off, never get up... But then her hand slips into mine, squeezing it tightly as if I'm her lifeline, a tear falls onto the top of my hand, and I know, deep down, that I don't want to go.