Alone (A Joe Sugg Fanfiction)

Living with it...

AMBER'S POV

Zoe left and it was just me and Joe and neither of us spoke, we were just sat in an awkward silence. I was thinking about telling him, I truly was but I just couldn't. What if he couldn't look at me anymore, I felt disgusted and I could feel myself breaking down inside. Joe didn't even look at me he was clearly angry with me and trust me I was so ashamed. I couldn't tell him what if he finished with me, I couldn't go through that again. I couldn't look at Joe without feeling sick it was so unbearable, I went back to the bathroom and locked myself in I looked through the draws to find my anti-depressants but I couldn't see them anywhere but I did stumble across a pair of scissors and because I felt so low I put the blade to my wrist and blood poured down and I felt so much better which sounds really bad because I knew it was wrong but it numbed the pain. I felt like a time bomb that was ticking and it had finally exploded.

After half an hour of sobbing on the floor I heard footsteps reaching the door, 'I love you' Joe whispered but I couldn't answer him and I just sobbed some more. I finally unlocked the door and Joe saw the blood, 'OMG! Are you stupid?!' he screamed tears streaming down his face he clenched his fist and smashed it at the wall. His knuckles started to bleed and I was sure that he had broken them, 'I can't be near you right now' and then he left. We were going so well but something happened yet again. I was sat in the hotel room alone and it was the worst feeling in the world. I hated myself because I hurt Joe, because I had ruined things again, because of what happened. I started feeling really depressed and I wanted to scream out and get it all out but if he knew the truth it would kill him. I didn't want to talk to Zoe either because I could see it in her eyes, she didn't look at me the same. I cried until I fell asleep.

JOE'S POV

I punched the wall and left, my knuckles were killing me but I didn't care what killed me more is knowing that something was up with Amber and she didn't tell me what. I saw the cuts on her arms and I was so upset and angry that I didn't prevent it from happening. I walked down to the lobby and put my head in my hands crying to myself. She couldn't even look at me which hurt me more. I walked to Zoe's room but she didn't answer the door, she must have been asleep. I walked back to our room and saw Amber asleep I could tell that she had cried herself to sleep because there was mascara over the sheets, she was hurting so much and I couldn't do anything to stop it from happening. I walked to the bathroom and locked the door. I took off my trousers revealing the top of my legs, little did anyone know that they were covered in scars I got out a blade and cut for about an hour, I hadn't told anyone and no one was ever going to find out. That's what hurt most because I knew how it felt to feel like you can't do anything but this. I wiped the blood away and put on my pajamas. I lay on the sofa part of the bed because she didn't want me next to her she made that clear when she didn't look at me before.

Instead of sleeping I wrote in my diary:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

They were lyrics from Sia - Breathe me and then I just lay on the sofa thinking. I looked at my clock and it said 8am and Amber wasn't awake yet. I quickly got dressed and went out of the hotel room leaving a note for Amber:

Dear Amber,

I just wished you had told me.

Joe

I was going to find out today! I ran to Zoe's room and bashed really hard on the door. She answered and told me to come in Alfie had gone down to get breakfast. 'Don't lie to me what the fuck is wrong with Amber?!' I shouted more nastily than I originally meant.

'Joe, talk to her about it. It's not my place to say-'

'Just fucking tell me!' I shouted. I could see Zoe getting more angry.

'She got raped! Alright! Happy?' Zoe snapped. She what? I sunk to the floor, I felt so bad and now I knew why she wouldn't look at me or tell me. She probably feels so alone and all I did was kick off. I'm such a dick.

I ran back to the room where Amber was crying looking at the note. 'So now you know' she cried. 'Don't worry I feel ashamed and disgusted too Joe and I guess this goodbye, you don't want to be with me obviously now' she broke down.

'I'm not going to leave you, it wasn't your fault!' I said trying to talk sense in to her.

'I'm a freak Joe! Alright? I know I am and all you're doing is giving me sympathy but I don't want your sympathy. And just by looking at you I can see that you aren't looking at me the same. You never will.' By now she had gone to the bathroom to get dressed. When she got back out I saw that she had already packed her suitcase and I couldn't speak, she left.

AMBER'S POV

I left as quick as I could and went to a new hotel away from everyone. I got to the bar and cried, someone tapped on my shoulder, 'Amber?' I turned around.

'OMG! Derek how are you?'

'Not too good, why are you crying?' he asked. I didn't tell him everything obviously but we both exchanged stories. 'Wanna grab a coffee?' I asked and he nodded, I was kind of glad that I had bumped into him again after the row with Joe and basically break up it was lovely to be with an old friend. We had a coffee and caught up, 'look, Amber the day you left me at the altar killed me, I still love you and I came here to get away and well here you are!' he said before pulling me in and kissing me, I returned the kiss mostly because I had missed him too but also because it felt nice to kiss someone without arguing before or after it.

JOE'S POV

I decided to go and grab a coffee to wake myself up a little bit because I felt absolutely dead, not to mention upset. I walked in and in the corner I saw her and a man I was so confused until I noticed it was Derek, they were talking and then he leaned in and kissed her but she didn't pull away she kissed him back. I had seen enough, I ran out of the coffee shop and saw them in the window still kissing and it hurt like hell. She looked at him in a way that she never looked at me, I could see the love in her eyes. I ran back to the hotel room and cried for hours none stop. I didn't reply to anyone or answer the door for anyone I just ran for the knife and cut.

AMBER'S POV

It felt good to kiss Derek but I missed Joe and it hurt like hell. I tried to call him but he didn't answer my calls, I walked back to the hotel we were staying in and knocked on the door. He didn't answer, he was probably already having sex with someone else. Without getting my things I went to the airport and boarded the plane. When I had landed, I got into a taxi and asked for it to take me to Bath, I had to go and see Lily. When I had got to Bath I asked Graham if I could just see Lily quickly and he allowed me to.