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fifteen

I woke up the next morning in my own hotel bed. I sneaked out of Luke's when he fell asleep, leaving him with a heavy heart.

As much as I liked to sleep next to him and be close to him, I felt deep inside of me that I really needed space from him. The feelings he gave me in this short period of time were unhealthy, especially now that I had to prepare myself for my birthday. It was harder to get out of bed, to get dressed and to be around people.

Two years just weren't enough for me to cope with the horrible memories and I had a hard time just thinking about it. My thoughts drifted back to him, to my aunt, to the car accident. I found myself looking at the scar at my hip bone whenever I was alone, stroking over the slightly lighter part of my skin. I was so lucky to be alive and still it was nearly impossible to be happy about it when it caused the life of two wonderful people to vanish from this earth.

I breathed in an out heavily for a few times and reached out for my phone to text my uncle. I just couldn't get out of bed today, even though I felt like shit because I really didn't have that much of work to do. I just needed to help with the make up for today's show in Milan but the simple thought of having to pretend I was okay made me feel like I needed to throw up. And I really didn't want to face Luke today, I just couldn't. I wanted to stay away from him, but I knew I couldn't avoid him in the long run. But for today, I just couldn't.

To Carl: I feel very sick, can I stay in today? :( x

I closed my eyes and hoped for a quick reply so I could fall asleep again and get a little more sleep after a night filled with very vivid and harsh nightmares. They got worse, and so did my mental state.

After a few minutes someone knocked on my hotel door and I heard Carl's voice saying my name from the corridor. I heaved myself out of bed and to the door, letting my uncle in.

"Freya darling, you don't look healthy" He said, stepping in and following me over to my bed. "Did you sleep at all tonight? You have heavy bags under your eyes, little lady."

I just shrugged and fiddled with the hem of my shirt. "It's so much worse. I don't know if I can do this anymore, I'm not a big help here anyways."

Carl sat down next to me with a big sigh, his hand patting my back. "I know. I totally forgot about all of this when I agreed on you coming on tour with me and the band. I always suppress all of it until the day actually comes up, but I understand that you cope even worse with all of it. You can stay in today, even tomorrow and the next few days until your birthday is over. But I really, really want to spend this day with you, I understand your pain. I feel it, too. It would make me very happy if you'd stay at least until we can leave this burden behind us for this year."

My head was lying now on my uncle's shoulder and silent tears were streaming down my cheeks as I nodded to what he suggested. "I'm so sorry. It was all my fault"

"Don't say that Freya" Carl whispered, his hand still comforting me with soft strokes on my back. "It's no one's fault. And we can't change the past but we can create a better future. I know you're strong enough to do it with me. I won't force you to stay with me on tour, but the boys already love you and the team loves you and you did a great job until now and I want you here for a little longer. You can tell me after your birthday if you want to go home again, okay? Please stay until then."

"O-okay, I'll stay" I sobbed quietly, holding on to his arm. "I'll stay for a little longer."

***

It felt quite good to be on my own. I didn't really have even one minute for myself in the past two weeks and it wore me out a lot. After a few more hours of sleep I decided to shower and get dressed. I also started packing my suitcase as we were leaving after the concert for the net city, so I didn't have to pack so late at night.
My stomach was aching from the lack of food and I was very hungry, so I got myself to look a little presentable and grabbed my bag before leaving my hotel room, which I never thought I would do today, but as this hotel didn't have a room service I had to get food on my own.