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eighteen

Everything was super awkward between the boys and I.

 Carl held a worried look as we all trailed into the arena in Turin, obviously understanding that something happened between all of us.

I didn't dare to look at Luke after what happened last night and I felt really bad. All I wanted was to talk it out with him, I mean not actually telling him about the real reason I decided to end things between us, more like 'it's nothing personal, maybe someday we can try again bla bla'. 

But we all knew it didn't work out. As far as I got it, Michael was mad at Calum for hitting on two girls in one night, Luke was mad at me because he caught me and Michael leaving together, I was mad at Luke for fucking God knows how many girls last night and Calum was obviously mad at me, and especially at Michael, and I guess it was because he also knew about Michael and I. 

Ashton wasn't really involved in anything, and he was the only person i could talk to out of the boys right now. He was a little mad at all of us for hating each other instead of talking it out, but he was way too nice to actually act mad around us. He was just sad because he wanted us all to get along.
That was easy to say and a lot harder to do, though. 

It seemed as everyone had a secret and it drove me crazy. No one had the guts to talk openly about their problems, we all just avoided each other and made the situation even worse.
I decided not to give a fuck anymore. I had enough trouble to mentally prepare myself for my birthday, and the pain in my chest free heavier by every second passing and the problem with Luke really wasn't helping.

I was really thinking about sitting down with the whole band and telling them about what happened two years ago at my birthday, and why I was in such a bad mood that I couldn't even give Luke and I a chance. 

But it wasn't worth it. I already talked to Carl and we decided it would be better for me to fly back home after my birthday, and I knew it was the right decision. 

I had to work through my problems and find a way to love myself, to leave the past behind. I would get a job in Sydney and maybe get my own apartment, shutting myself out from everyone I knew so I could focus on myself. It was the only thing I could do.

So it wouldn't be worth it to talk to the boys about everything anyways, as I would never see them again in a few days.

I didn't tell them that I would be leaving, I would do it without a warning so I could avoid awkward goodbyes. I would miss them but I also knew they would have it easier without me. I caused so much trouble in such a short amount of time, I destroyed their whole dynamic and also I broke their lead singers heart. And I even caused a fight between all of them, just because I was a selfish bitch that decided to hit on Michael only because I was hurt.

All in all I really deserved the award for the worst person on this planet.

"Freya can I talk to you for a second?" Ashton said, looking around the room so none of the boys would notice.

"Um, sure" I shrugged, following him into one of the corridors, not knowing what to expect now.

"Is it true what Calum just told me?"

I gulped, trying to hide how nervous I was. "What, um, what did he tell you?"

"That you and Michael had sex last night?!" Ashton tried to hold back his anger, his hazel eyes staring through me. I looked up at him, slowly shaking my head.

"No, we... We wanted to. But we didn't do it." 

"You wanted to? What the fuck does that mean?"

"Ashton listen, it was not planned it was just, I saw luke practically doing it with this blonde girl at the bar and then we got so drunk and I wasn't thinking anymore and I felt so betrayed and lonely and I am so sad about everything anyways and then Michael was there and he was sad too and then it just happened that we made out! And I, I don't even know if we really would have slept with each other, I have no idea Ashton I was as wasted as ever."