Protected

Age is just a Number

I was out back, wandering around the fenced-in yard, a failed attempt to get exercise. Carson was upstairs. He's been ignoring me for 5 days now.
He had refused my request to go out outside. A sob caught in my throat. In the back of my mind, I always thought I could get by alone.
But this is worse. I'm not alone, yet I am. I didn't realize how much Carson meant to me, until he was gone.
Tears trickled over and I fell to my knees, my sides heaving with sobs. Why can't he just let go? Why can't he forgive me? I've tried and I've tried and I can never do well enough, I'll never cut it.
I sobbed and sobbed, unable to stop my heaving breaths. We've been stuck with these awful men for almost 2 and a half months and this is how I break? When Carson is no longer a friend? I've survived shattered arms, ruined friendships, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, but I can't handle a broken heart?
I checked my thoughts before they ran any more wild. Broken heart. Who am I kidding? Carson and I weren't dating. Therefore, my heart can't be broken. I'm just upset at the unforgiveness I feel.

                  Carson watched out the back window at Lexi, who was wandering around the yard. He wished he could bring himself to forgive her, but every time he tried, the words she'd said edged into his thoughts and he grew angry all over again.
Lexi had begged him to go walking with her, but he had ignored her pleas. Now, as he watched, he saw her shoulders hunch. Her breathing became labored and he could hear through the open window a sob escape her throat.
Lexi had tried to keep the tears in check, but he had watched her fall to her knees and sob. Her shoulders shook, and her long red hair fell forward into her eyes.
Carson felt a pang of guilt and half rose to go to her, but changed his mind. She deserves to feel bad. Her words were CRUEL.
He felt another twinge of guilt at those thoughts. Her cries of sadness and anguish were shoved to the back of his mind at a voice behind him.
"Well, boy? How's it feel? Making people feel low?" He turned around and there stood Boss, his two-colored eyes trained at the window.
Carson looked at his cruel, scarred face and felt nothing but disgust.
"I didn't put her down, sir. She put me down." Boss acted as though he hadn't heard a word of what Carson said.
"You're sitting up on a throne now pal. When others feel low is when you feel high."
Boss smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Want to join my crew?"
Carson gasped in horror.
"I'd rather die," he spat. "Than join your measly crew."
Boss looked hard at him. "Suit yourself. But if you're not going to join us, stop acting like us."

               My sobs finally ceased and I got up, wiping my face. I went to the bathroom and cleaned up my puffy, blotchy eyes before heading to our room.
Carson was sitting on the bed, staring out the window. I sat next to him, and put my arm on his back. He tensed but didn't move. I spoke the apology I'd planned outside.
"Carson, with what we're going through, we need someone to lean on. Men can hold up for a while, but even they break eventually. It's much harder for a girl, because even though we appear strong, we're lying. When it appears that we're smiling, inside, we're crying. Crumbling. When a girl cries, it's usually built up, not about one thing. You always told me I was strong, but, just now, I cried harder than I ever have in my life. Even counting my arm."
Tears trickled down my cheeks again, but I went on as if they weren't there.
"Carson, I no longer just want you to forgive me. I need you to. Because if I have to handle this alone much longer... I'm going to give up."
Then I moved my arm and rested my face on my good hand. The tears came again, but not the wrenching sobs. I felt Carson lift my face to his, both hands on my cheeks.
He gently brushed my tears away with his thumbs, his own eyes wet. "Don't give up. Please, don't ever give up."
His tears spilled over and he leaned his forehead against mine. "I forgive you, but I'm the one who needs forgiving. I was so upset over nothing that bad, and I wish I could take it all back. You don't deserve the way I treated you."
He pulled away. "I don't deserve you."
I put my hand on his and moved them back to my cheeks.
"Carson." I whispered, my eyes searching his. "You have that backwards. I don't deserve you. I am not a good enough person to get someone so wonderful in my life. If I ever hear you say that again, I personally will oversee your punishment. Understood?"
He nodded, and I smiled.
"I don't ever want anything to come between us and maybe someday," I took a shuddering breath. "Maybe someday we can be something more."
His eyes lit up. "I think I'd like that very much."
A smile toyed at his lips. We sat like that forever, his hands on my cheeks, my good hand on top of one of his, our faces inches apart. It was then that I realized, I could see my future. With him. I'm only 15, but I think that age doesn't matter when you're in love.