Protected

Afraid of the Reminders

I go through the rest of my morning classes in a zone, my stomach pinching tighter and tighter as lunch looms closer. My classmates give me distance, and I make no move to close that distance. RING RING! The lunch bell. I swallow, grab my stuff and head out.

After getting my tray, I walk over to an empty table in the corner. I got here before Carson, and I wait for him, praying that he's not livid.
      I look up when he enters and my heart sinks. He spots me and walks over, slamming his tray down. His jaw clenches and unclenches. He sits ramrod straight. I stare downward and push my food around on my plate. "Well Lexi? What do you want me to say?" He mutters.
     I have never seen Carson this mad. "Is it not allowed for me to not want to date?" I ask quietly.
       He slams his fist down on the table and I start. "If you don't want to date me, come out and say so! But that's not what you did, is it?" He asks, growling.
       I open my mouth to reply but he doesn't let me. "You played me, Lexi. I thought you felt the same way I did."
     "I do! I mean, I-I. I do." I whisper. He glares at me. "Really? You expect me to believe that? After all I've done. All I've sacrificed. All I've risked." He sounds desperate now. "What do I get in return? Denial. It would be totally fine if you rejected me from the start, but no. You returned my kisses. You caressed me back. And then denied me in front of my friends!"
      He's angry again, and almost shouting. "Stop yelling at me." I say quietly.
     He sags down in his seat and glares at me. "Alright then. What makes you think that?"
      "Maybe I didn't want to make it public yet Carson! It was embarrassing to have you kiss me like that, and talk in the middle of it no less! What do you think Nate and Bryce think we did all those three months now? Huh? I'm sure they don't think we were in danger!"
       Carson leans across the table and hisses in my ear. "Embarrassing? You're embarrassed of me? Of kissing me and loving me?"
      I hunch over in my seat and refuse to answer. He raises his hand like he's going to hit me, and I cower low, tears streaming from my eyes.
     "Carson! What are you doing?" I yell. He lowers his hand and slaps the table. "I'm different now alright man? I can't get pushed around anymore! Boss broke something inside of me and it's not healed yet! You can't punch me and hit me when you're mad or happy! It's abusive! It's not fun anymore! It's not like it used to be! I'm scared Carson! You're acting like boss!"
       That wakes him up. He leans back and takes a deep breath. "Lexi, I-"
      "Don't." I say softly, wiping my face. He looks stunned. "No explanations. It's my turn now."
      He sighs. "Fine. Better be a good explanation though."
       I think about what I'm going to say. "I think that maybe we're too young. I want to kiss and love someone when I'm older, not a sophomore. Because if I wait until I'm older, I'm closer to the relationship actually going somewhere. We'd have to date for 4 years to move onward in our relationship."
     I pause, and Carson looks thoughtful. "It's not that I don't want to date you Carson. But did we ever say we were actually dating? I don't think so!"
      "I just assumed that since you were so willing to kiss me and all..." Carson said.
      "Yeah well, you know what pal? Dating is not all about the physical relationship. Kisses don't mean we're together. Okay? Do you understand now?"
      He nods and reaches across the table. "I'm so sorry Lexi. When you said I was acting like boss, that sent a tremor through me. I don't want to scare you. I don't want to abuse someone I love so deeply. Yes, love. And I can wait. I can wait forever, or until you're ready. Ok?"
      I nod, wiping some stray tears off my face. Carson looks up and waves Nate and Bryce over, who were waiting for our talk to be over. "Why don't you go clean yourself up Lexi, okay?" I walk off, saying over my shoulder, "I'll be back."

I enter the bathroom and Sandra Bearnes is there, fixing her makeup. I stifle the sob I was about to emit and walk to the farthest sink from her.
      She glances up, and a smile that I don't like spreads across her face. She slides her stuff over near where I am. "Lexi!" She squeals, throwing her arms around me. I stand there, my mouth open in shock.
     "Where were you all these months?" She asks. I swallow. "My cousin in California was diagnosed with cancer, and one of the last things she wanted to do was go on a road trip. So I did that with her."
      Sandra looks confused. "But Carson was with you?"
     "She said I could bring a friend, so naturally I brought my best friend." I said stiffly. Her eyes narrowed. "Anything happen on that trip?"
      Now I was confused. "What do you mean?"
     "I saw Carson kiss you. I watched everything. I thought it was generally known that I'm going to date him. You know, head JV cheerleader with the star JV quarterback?" She says.
     A couple of her lackeys in the corner giggle. I roll my eyes.
     "We never actually said we were 'dating' and I'm not ready yet. But he's not up for grabs. I'm going to date him when I'm ready, I promised and he promised. I know Bryce is free..."   
       "Trying to hook me up? I do a fine job of that myself!" She huffed and turned on her heel, throwing after her, "You're going to regret taking Carson, Loser Lexi." I sighed and headed back out to the boys.