Protected

Freaking Counseling

                     I look up from my phone as my mom calls, "Lexi! Mrs. Trayco is here to bring you and Carson to therapy!"
    I groan. When my parents picked me up from my sleepover last weekend, Carson had actually talked to them about 'counseling' or whatever.
      All week building up to the appointment I had been hanging with Blair and talking to Noir, trying to get my mind off of it. I had pleaded with my mom to not make me go, but she was adamant.
     "If you're still having such nightmares as he said, then you must have counseling," She explained.
     Dang Carson and his good convincing skills.
       "Bye hon! We'll talk when you get home!"
    I roll my eyes and don't reply. Standing up, I plod outside and climb into the backseat of the Trayco's SUV.
"Hello Lexi." Mrs. Trayco says, eyeing my stormy countenance in the mirror. Carson twists around in his seat. "Hey Lex. Ready?"
"Don't talk to me." I cross my arms.
Mrs. Trayco sighs softly and Carson turns around. They've been with me long enough to know how to act when I'm in a temper.

We drive in silence to the counseling center, and when we arrive I sigh and stand up. "Let's get this over with."
I sit for an hour with Carson in a room with this 30 year old woman who quizzes us about what happened. Carson tells the story and I sit in stubborn silence.
"How traumatizing!" The woman, named Janae, says. I roll my eyes. She looks at me. "I imagine you're emotional well being is hanging by a thread."
I snort. "Sure, and you're not helping at all, lady."
"You need to open up and be willing to talk in order for this to work, Alexia." Janae says. I glare at Carson.
"I'd highly recommend calling her Lexi, if you want to come out of this with all limbs intact," He says.
Janae nods, "Certainly. That's asking a step towards progress, getting on friendly terms."
I stifle a snide remark. This woman is a few slices short of a loaf.
"Now if you two can close your eyes for me, we're just going to search ourselves. What emotions are you experiencing right now? And what emotions do you experience when you think about your traumatic incident?"
My eyes widen in disbelief. "Are you freaking kidding me? We know what emotions we're experiencing! We don't need to 'search' very hard."
"Lexi," Carson says, a warning tone in his voice.
"I understand these feelings are not fun to experience, often frightening, and it's only natural to shy away from them. But we must know them well in order to truly overcome our fear." Janae says gently.
"You should be a freaking Dauntless instructor," I mutter, but I close my eyes.

Let's see, what emotions am I experiencing? Anger, yup. Irritation, definitely. Disbelief? Sure.

"Alright, that should be sufficient time," Janae says. "Let's move on. Now I want you to think about Boss, and your abuse, and the pain you went through. Really think. Obviously you'll feel fear and sadness, maybe anger. But I want the not-so-obvious emotions."

Anger and fear, okay. Sadness... Not so much. Regret definitely. Failure. Blame. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Insufficiency. Hoo boy, this is deep.

"I am not enjoying myself," I announce.
"Shh and let your mind work, Lexi."
"No I don't want to let my mind freaking work! You're bringing up the pain, not sending it away."
"Lexi, we need to know how you feel to develop full healing." Janae says gently.
I open my eyes. "I'm done. It's been an hour and this is not freaking helping. Please just let me freaking leave."
Janae nods. "I hate to end on a bad note, but I see you are finished. I'll see you next week, and I hope you'll be in a better 'freaking' mood," She says wryly.
I stand up and storm out, taking care not to slam the door.

The car trip to the Trayco's house is frigid, to say the least. I can tell Carson is mad at me, but I don't care. We get to his house and he grabs my arm and guides me to his room.
"Lexi what the heck?"
"I told you I didn't want to do that."
"I don't want to see you continue to be tortured by nightmares! It was painful to watch."
I glare at him. "I feel like my words are going in one ear and out the other. Clearly my nightmares don't bother me very much, since I am willing to live with them. I'm sure with time I'll grow out of it."
"This isn't something you 'grow out of,' Lex. This is an emotional injury."
"Carson. I am going to go down in the basement and wait for my parents to come for dinner. You may join me if you want, but I am not planning on being social."

         And I did just that. I sat on the couch and texted Noir.

So ticked off right now. -L

He replies right away, as usual.

Why? -N

Carson forced me to do something I really didn't want to. Now I'm upset. -L

He WHAT?!? -N

That came off wrong. He didn't do anything like... That.-L

I was going to say, if he harms a single hair on your head...-N

Simmer down now. Carson wouldn't hurt me, I trust him. -L

I wouldn't be so sure of that, Beautiful. People can do surprising things. -N

Such as calling me beautiful when you haven't seen me in months?-L

Oh come on. It's not like you don't have social media. -N

You think I'm beautiful?-L

Yes. -N

You're too much. I gtg, Carson's making his entrance. -L

All right, text you later, Beautiful. ;) -N

"Your parents are here." Carson says.
"Okay I'm coming."
He turns and marches upstairs. I sigh, I'm going to have to patch things up with him later.

At dinner, the parents make conversation while Carson and I sit in stony silence, saying the bare minimum in answer to any questions about the counseling. I long for the night to be over, so I can go home and call Noir, and lay in bed, and sleep off the horrible appointment and day.
Soon I convince my parents I need to leave and we put on our coats.
"So you all are definitely coming for Thanksgiving next week, right?" My mom asks Mrs. Trayco.
"We wouldn't miss it for the world! It's a tradition," she replies gaily.
I tug on dads sleeve. "Let's pull mom away before she and Mrs. Trayco start planning anything." I say.
My dad nods in agreement. "That could get long."

And so we do manage to pull her away, and I go straight to my room when I get home. I'm just going to have to patch things up with Carson tomorrow. Right now I'm putting on my pajamas, getting in bed, and calling Noir.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guyssss we're getting to the end of the book! So, so happy and thankful for you all.

Whoever comments how many times Lexi says "freaking" while at the counseling center gets the next chapter dedicated to them!

Please comment answers to my questions, it makes everything more fun!

How do you guys feel about Noir? Blair? Lexi and Carson together?

Once again please, PLEASE vote and comment!

-M.R