I leaned my body against the fence, admiring the beautiful view. The sun was setting and the sky was pink. There were many clouds and everything just reminded me of cotton candy. Big, fluffy and yummy. I focused on appreciating the landscape in front of me. The colors of the sky were reflecting on the water. The Golden Gate Bridge proudly stood in the middle of this breathtaking view. The water shines a little under the fading light of the sun. I used to come here frequently, but I lost my free time when I started working for Ms. Wellington. I guess I never had the time to return. When I come here, I usually stay for hours just thinking about everything and nothing. Sometimes, we just need to be away from the agitation of the city and have some distance with the world around us.
Today was a pretty windy day. I don't know why but I always loved windy days. Maybe it's weird, but I liked it when it was partly sunny and mostly cloudy. Through the day the sun would appear once in a while. The clouds move faster than usual and the sky has a light blue shade. During those days, everything seems new to me. It's like if the wind washes all my worries away. I like the cracking noises a house makes when it is windy outside and wearing a big comfy sweater. Sweater weather, that's right. I love waking up to the sound of leaves during a windy day and have fresh air in the house because the windows were open during the night. I like sunny days, but sometimes it's just heavy because of the heat. Windy days are refreshing.
The sky slowly changed colors for a darker shade of pink and orange. I appreciate coming up here, I always have. I cherish this time I have to think. I guess this time I feel different. Maybe because there is a major change in my life. Nothing is the same anymore. I almost have nothing left. I let out a frustrated sigh. I always hate when people start making a list of everything that is wrong. But that is exactly what I did.
I lost my job. I lost my apartment. My dog runs away from me. I did not have coffee for a pretty long time now. I almost had a heart attack because of a stupid disgusting spider. I bribe people to get what I want. I will never have my dream job. I have the blank page syndrome. My sister just married a cheater and I don't have the courage to tell her. Mallory left. I don't have friends. My sister left. I don't have parents. So I had no one to turn to.
As I thought about all of this tears started rolling down my cheeks for a first time in a long time. I hate crying. Normally I hold it back. It's not that I think crying is weak. It's just that I don't want to cry because if I do it would mean that I let myself feel this way. I guess at that moment I needed to cry and let my frustration out.
I felt like everyone around me had what they wanted. They are all pretty happy about the way their life turned out. I am not jealous. I am just tired of feeling like I am not good enough to get what I want. And I am scared. I am scared that I will stay like this all my life. I am scared that in ten years from now I will be unhappy with the life I have. But mostly, I am scared of waiting all my life. I guess it's my biggest fear.
I furiously wiped the tears off my face as they continued streaming down. The view got blurry and all I could see were the beautiful colors of the sky. My throat was hurting, aching to scream. I let out a small sob and it hurt even more. Suddenly, I let go my restraint to cry. Sobs escaped uncontrollably from my throat. My lungs were painful because the sobs and all the emotions I was feeling made it hard to breathe. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and stop crying, but I could not control myself anymore.
I just want to be happy. I never really experienced true happiness and thought to myself during one moment in particular: Wow, this is great. My life is perfect just the way it is and I wish for this moment to never end. This is what everyone desires: to feel like everything is going for the best and that it can't get any better than it already is.
