Choose Me

Me, Myself, and I

"Why!?" I scream and Charlie cried louder. "Why her!?" I toss another plate at the wall and this time i lose my balance and continue my sobbing on the floor. Charlie crawls to my lap and hits my arm. "Go away." I don't realize what i say till the crying dies down and i open my eyes threw the non stop tears. I look down and Charlie is asleep on the floor. The hiccups from my episode come in a pattern. I lay flat on the floor with her and press my ear to the floor. I pull her closer and she snuggles into my side. "Never leave Charlie. You're mine forever and always." I close my eyes as my tears continue to fight with sleep. We spent the night on the floor, with our ear to the floor and hearing the house settle.

...

The soft confines of my blankets whisper to me, don't leave, don't get up, stay, we need you. I need them. I peak out of the dark cave to see if Charlie was still playing next to the bed. "Mom" she hands me a block and i take it and pull my arm back under the covers. Poor Charlie hasn't been outside in days. Delivery pizza and Chinese shouldn't be what we've eaten for a week straight. I need to get up. No, five more minutes wouldn't hurt. She's right, just to fully power up i suppose.

We slept in all day and heard the day pass us by without a care in the world.

...

"Mommy." Charlie go back to bed. "Mommy." The small child hits my arm and forehead. "Mommy." I open my eyes and make the mistake of rolling over. I sit up quick, the lack of nutrients in my body makes my mind take a little longer to catch up with me and i have to pause. I carry Charlie to the tub and turn on the water. While it fills i toss the sheets, she's only two, how do you expect her to use the bathroom by herself in the middle of the night!? I mentally slap myself and sit on the floor with Charlie as she slashes around in the water. My eyes grow heavy and my body gives up on trying to hold my head up. "Mama." Charlie wakes me again, standing, shivering. I jump and grab the towel and pull her out.

"Charlie, I'm so sorry." I cradle her in my arms and rub the towel against her skin. Come on Christina, you told everyone you could do this. Now be the mother you wanted her to have! I stand up and grab Charlie a quick change of clothes and i stay in my sleep wear. I drive around, looking for an open market.

The woman at the front looks at me with concern and the reflection in the mirror does too. I'm pale, dark circles under my eyes and my hair in a messy nest. It isn't even a cute messy bun, just a birds nest on top of my head. I grab 5 packages of diapers and a cart full of supplies and head home.

We slept in the car that night. Laying with the windows down, hearing the waves crash just a few yards away.

...

"Ah! Again, again!" I pick up Charlie and swing her in a circle. The water kicks up with her feet and i place her back down. I sit in the sand and Charlie starts on her sand castle. I look out at the water and wait for a sign. Anything. It's been 3 week and i haven't a clue what to do. The grieving has manage to subside after the first week and I've spent the other two organizing things. I'd be at school from 7 to 12, Charlie would be in the daycare at the school. I have no idea what I'm going to do with the cafe. "Mama look!" I turn towards the hills and a man with a hand full of leashes come down. Charlie gets up and tries to run towards the dogs but i catch her before she runs out of reach. The man gets closer and the dogs don't look as harmful but still.

"Uh hi, I'm staying next door and I've been coming here for a few summers now and I've never seen anyone come in or out of that house." Okay... Charlie laughs as the dog starts to lick her hands. "Oh don't worry, they are totally harmless. But uh anyways, I'm Theo. Theo James." He extends his hand and i stand brushing the sand off my hands.