Remember Me

Thirty

Author's Note: The song above is a good one to listen to while you read this - it's what inspired this little rant chapter xxx

I thought I was in pain when Matt hurt me. I was wrong. This is worse. Multiple times throughout the night I puked from feeling so angry and miserable that my stomach physically hurt. My head thumped and tears flowed like a pipe burst somewhere in my eyes. All the songs I listened to on my radio seemed to be gloomy and about break-ups, which made me cry even harder. Never have I felt such strong emotion in my entire life. I was currently curled up in bed, ignore all texts and calls that came through my phone.

My headphones that were firmly placed over my head were louder than my thoughts.Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars is currently playing. You can't get more depressing than that. I used to not be able to make it through the song without sobbing. Now the words have a pinch (Or a fistful) of meaning I don't even have to listen to the words hard to sob silently. This song isn't the only depressing thing right now, as you can tell – I am a mess. A big, fat mess that is only getting worse by each notion that enters my brain.

I think I'm done with men. They all seem to break women's hearts like glow-sticks. Glow-sticks need to be broken to shine, though. Hopefully my shine comes through soon. I need it to a hell of lot, right now! This life I was now living seemed to be one big series of unfortunate events. I think they made a film with that title. I should be the main character.

My whole life was suddenly this whirlwind of silence and thunderstorms amongst a group of rainbows in the bustling world. It's odd to think that right now, someone is getting married. Someone is giving birth, at a birthday party, having their first kiss. And someone, somewhere, is enduring a painful breakup. Like me.

I wonder what Noah is doing right now. Does he even care? Probably not. He didn't blink an eye when he broke up with Rachel, so why bother with me? I'm just some stupid girl who fell into his trap.

Well, screw him!

Maybe if I lie here for long enough, my organs will just stop functioning from hunger. That wouldn't be as bad as going through this for any longer. The loud instrumentals rang in my ears and I cried. I cried like there was no tomorrow, like I didn't have a care in the world. I've never experienced a breakup apart from Matt. This is my version of hell. If there was any other situation than this to occur, I'd go for it without hesitation because this sick, depressing feeling is the most heartbreaking thing in the world. It feels like my heart really has been torn in two. Damn players. It feels like, I'm drowning. There's a lifeboat right beside me, but every time I go to cling onto it, it moves farther away. It's this constant battle with yourself of being strong or just completely flaking and drowning. Most people, like myself, mainly choose the latter.

You what else it's like? It's like you're sitting on a soft, fluffy rug. You're so happy that you're warm and comfy and then all of a sudden the rug is just pulled from under you. You're left astounded and freezing. So freezing.

It dawned upon me just how cold I was without Noah. How bad the world was without Noah. Who knew such grief could come with a few furious words? Over the space of the last two days so many thoughts had streamed through my mind. Mainly how much I hated Noah, and how I was the most ludicrous person to think that there was just some chance at all that it could ever work. The sad song playlist I had stumbled upon on Spotify quietened down as someone rang me for the millionth time. Well, someone's popular today. Obviously someone heard about this.

Spontaneously I lifted my phone from its place on my bed folded between the sheets. Isaac? I sniff and answer. "Isaac?" I gulp.

"Oh, baby girl. Hazel told me you went through a break-up?" my brother asks. This was the one who is gay and my personal teacher for the world of sarcasm.