Healing

XXVII - encounters

Work's been hectic and I've been distracted working on the outline of a new project; but here's a new update. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Bel, xx

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Instead of going back home, Jinyoung goes to the rooftop of the hospital. He hasn't been there in so long, and when his mind is spinning with the fresh realisations, he needs the perspective that only heights can bring him.

Once he makes it out of the lift on the thirteenth floor, Jinyoung takes the stairs to the emergency exit door. He pushes it open slowly; his body is weaker than it's been in a while. The dysautonomia episodes and just barely sleeping left him exhausted. The young man drags his feet to the edge and sits on the rail, hooking his ankles as usual just to stare down at the street. It's early on a Sunday, yet the streets are always crowded, countless people passing by. From where he watches, the passerby people look like ants scurrying around. The cacophony of cars and buses driving by travels up, becoming a familiar buzz that works to drown his own thoughts.

Jinyoung takes a deep breath as he lifts his gaze, watching between the many tall buildings, the billboards, and the hills in the distance. The scene is so familiar, but Jinyoung feels numb. The morning sun still hasn't warmed the air, and he shivers; the wind is a lot stronger and harsher when he's up there. Still, he lets his eyes wander without an aim, letting the landscape and the immensity of Seoul consume him.

A humourless laugh escapes him as Jinyoung is reminded he's just another insignificant citizen, fighting to stay afloat. He's nothing compared with the mountains, the sun climbing up the sky as the hours pass. No matter how insurmountable his feelings and issues are, they are nothing compared to the big picture.

At some point, Jinyoung gets off the rail and sits on the inside, his back pressed to the ledge at the base of the railing. He lifts his knees and hides his face in there for a few moments. After that slap of perspective, Jinyoung only focuses on breathing and refuses to let any thought linger too long in his mind.

How many times has Jinyoung sat on this very rooftop before? Countless. Always alone with his thoughts and his disappointment. Every time he was rushed to the hospital and he woke up again, realising he had failed, he came back to this rooftop to breathe.

"Why does it feel even lonelier than before?" The young man asks himself out loud, lifting his gaze to focus on the sky. There are several clouds moving across the light blue expanse, and he gets lost watching them for a few moments.

There's always been so much Jinyoung doesn't understand about himself. Why he has always wanted to be dead. Why nothing touches him or motivates him. Why is he always surrounded by darkness and mental monsters?

In those few moments when he was home alone—before he argued with Jaebeom—, Jinyoung started writing as his therapist suggested. Trying to shape those monsters he feels live in his head. He writes about death, its enthralling mysticism, and how tempting it is. He hasn't written much, but with words, he's given shape to his darkness, and it's felt somewhat liberating to let them exist elsewhere than inside him.

Right now, as he sits alone on that familiar rooftop, he wishes he had brought his phone just so he could type something. Releasing a bit of the pressure inside his mind. He wants to write about the pain that overcomes him when he thinks of Jaebeom's betrayal. Of the anger that bubbles in his stomach against the older man and himself. Why did Jinyoung forget that face? Why couldn't he recognise Jaebeom from that first night on the bridge? So much could've been avoided if he hadn't erased his face from his memory.

Maybe he wouldn't have accepted Jaebeom's invitation to get coffee.

Maybe he wouldn't have started to fall for him.