Healing

XXII - numb

Hello everyone! It was really good to write many chapters ahead, because I started taking my antidepressants again and it's harder to write at the same rhythm (it's harder to concentrate). But on the positive side, there's less suicide ideation and migraines :)

I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Bel, xx

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When Jinyoung wakes up the next day, he does so with a gasp, looking everywhere, his heart beating wildly. His body is so heavy and it is hard for him to move—to make it obey him and feel as if it belongs to him. He feels that panic again, as if he's not really in his body. He lets out a choked sound as he closes his eyes, trying to fight the images from when he saw his own body in the coma. He doesn't know if it is just his imagination, but Jinyoung could swear he saw himself while he was unconscious; that old versions of him came out, but Jinyoung wasn't really in his body. He couldn't feel it.

This is why he hates the sleeping pills; when he wakes from them, he feels so lost. He has no idea how long he has been sleeping, and his body feels foreign for a while. It is like waking from the coma all over again.

It takes a while for Jinyoung to finally feel as if he is in his body again. When he does, he rolls to the side, pushing his lethargic self out of bed. He looks at the clock on his bedside table and sees it is almost noon.

In an attempt to rid himself of the weight making his limbs heavy, Jinyoung goes to the bathroom and takes a shower. He sets the water so hot it burns him, and by the time he walks out in a hoodie and jogging bottoms, his skin is red underneath.

"Jinyoung, are you going to have breakfast?" his mother asks as he steps out of the bathroom, her voice drifting from the kitchen.

"I'm not hungry," he replies, shaking his head and not stopping.

"I'll let you know when lunch is ready, then," she insists. Jinyoung doesn't answer as he goes back inside his room.

The young man sits on his bed and sighs, already exhausted. He didn't have dinner the night before because he couldn't stomach anything. His appetite hasn't improved since then.

Slowly, Jinyoung grabs his phone. When he does, he sees more than fifteen missed calls and several Kakao notifications: all from Jaebeom.

Did you make it home?

If you don't feel like going home I can go to where you are.

Where are you?

Why aren't you picking up?

Jinyoungie, please tell me you made it home safe and sound.

And like those, there are several more, each one sounding more urgent and frantic. The last text message he received was around four in the morning:

Please, Jinyoungie, tell me you're okay.

Jinyoung is surprised to see so many notifications. How long did Jaebeom stay up waiting for his message? The young man can't help feeling guilty for not sending that text before he went to sleep; he didn't think it would make Jaebeom worry that much.

After taking a deep breath, he finally replies to the latest text.

I'm fine. Sorry, I forgot to text you. I got home and went straight to bed.

Jinyoung doesn't think Jaebeom will answer soon, so he puts the phone aside and rests his head against the wall, too exhausted to move. Truly, he hates taking those pills.