Healing

XXIII - boyfriend

I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed it writing it.

Bel, xx

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Jinyoung isn't sure how many minutes they spend like that, but by the time Jaebeom pulls back, his hands still on the younger man's shoulders to keep him at arm's length, Jinyoung isn't cold anymore. That chill that reached his bones is finally gone and he's warm again, just like his skin under the sun that spring afternoon.

Now that he's paying attention, Jaebeom looks like a wreck, and the image shocks Jinyoung. The older man's eyes are red-rimmed, with dark bags under them as if he hasn't slept a wink; his hair is a mess from the wind and the rush to arrive. But he's looking at Jinyoung as if he's found what he had been looking for his whole life. Jaebeom sighs, his shoulders rounding, defeated.

"You look terrible," Jinyoung points out plainly.

Jaebeom chuckles, a breathy sound that lacks any real amusement.

"I didn't sleep, so it'd make sense," answers Jaebeom, looking down for a few seconds.

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" inquires the older man. Their gazes lock again and Jaebeom looks utterly confused. "Because I was worried about you, of course."

"That much? As to not sleep?" Jinyoung has no clue why it's so hard for him to believe it.

"Yes, that much," he answers. "You might not even remember now, but I—" Jaebeom takes a deep breath. "I'm terrified that one day you'll disappear without telling me. I won't be able to reach you and I won't know what happened to you. Your family wouldn't tell me if you one day finally... kill yourself."

It's so odd; everything Jaebeom makes Jinyoung feel is odd. Because as he listens to this heartfelt confession, the younger man feels like he knows that. He knows of Jaebeom's fear of never knowing what might happen to him. But how can he feel like that? It makes no sense; they haven't spoken about it before.

"You looked so out of it last night and not being able to get a hold of you scared me," Jaebeom continues. "You have no idea how relieved I was when you finally texted me." His expression is tortured, and the way he's clenching Jinyoung's shoulders tells him Jaebeom isn't lying or exaggerating.

"I was... hurt," Jinyoung mutters. Feeling embarrassed, he looks away towards the horizon. It's mid-afternoon and the day is gorgeous—warm and sunny. It doesn't match what Jinyoung is feeling at all. "You were so cold and I thought... I thought I had finally scared you away."

"No, of course not!" Jaebeom hurries to clear the situation up, moving his hands to cup Jinyoung's face to lock eyes again; he holds his face as if it were something precious, something that could break at any moment.

Perhaps it is exactly like that.

"To me, you..." Jaebeom takes a deep breath again, trying to find the right words. "You know my eomma was in a coma. It was because of an car accident and I never got the chance to face the driver who crashed into her. My father took care of things while I was at the hospital and by the time I found out, the case was closed. So when I saw you with that ahjussi, I just... I just felt my own anger, for what happened to my eomma. How she has to live now."

Jinyoung watches Jaebeom closely, trying to find anything else that he's not sharing, but all he sees is open vulnerability.

"I never got to scream at him, and I guess I still need someone to blame, despite the fact not even my mother holds a grudge. She keeps telling me it was just an accident, but every time I see her walking with the crutch, I..." Jaebeom smiles sadly, shamefully. "I have issues letting go of the resentment I harbour."