Seasons of Love by Jaismita Alexander

Seasons of Love Part 26

Part twenty-six:

Going out alone from house was prohibited for me. My dad or Piyush accompanied me to VK's house for tuition. I had told Rudra everything later about Piyush seeing us together. Rudra never showed up in front of Piyush when he came to drop me to tuition. Things were getting difficult for me as I couldn't step out of house without my parents' consent. They didn't even let me go to my friend's birthday party. Their behaviour became psychotic which bothered me and Rudra a lot. At times, he got so angry that he wanted a break up. His anger was certainly acceptable but my restrictions were bothering me more. If I stayed back home, Rudra would pick up fights and if I went out to meet him, my parents would make a big issue out of it at home. I always feared violence. Violence of any kind. Circumstances around me made me helpless.

At VK's house, I could meet Rudra sometimes at his room. He would talk about us and our future. Once VK was out of town and there was no classes to be held that day. Yet I went to meet Rudra without telling my parents about this.

Rudra had arranged for lunch that day. As we sat across the table, Rudra asked, "Will you be able to stay back for another hour?"

I knew it would be difficult for me to lie to my mom. So I decided to use Piyush this time.

"I can. I'll call up Piyush and ask him to pick me up after 2 pm", I said and dialed Piyush's number.

"Hello?"

"Today sir will take classes until 2. Come at 2 not before that", I said to Piyush.

"What? Why? Where is sir? Let me speak to him"

I was scared now. I moved the phone towards Rudra and said, "Sir, my guardian wants to speak to you"

Rudra was amused. He looked at me and shrugged. I kept the phone on the table and joined my hands begging him to speak to Piyush. He took the phone and in a deep voice he said, "Hello?"

"Yeah. I have some extra notes to give her. Please, pick her up after 2", he replied to Piyush.

"Yeah. Okay, surely! She'll be here at my home until you come to pick her up. Bye", Rudra said and disconnected the call.

He banged the phone on the table and said, "Why can't you fucking get rid of him? Tell him you are not interested in a shit crow like him"

"Calm down!" I said.

"No. I can't see you getting engaged to him. Listen, Shehnaya. Do you love me?", Rudra asked suddenly.

I looked into his eyes with anguish and said, "Yes, of course. I do!"

"I would like to get engaged to you. I mean, I want to give you a ring this month. And we'll get married soon later this year in our own way", Rudra said.

I was shocked. A feeling of happiness filled my heart. I couldn't believe what he just said. But again a question disturbed me. I wouldn't be able to live with him, then how could we get married?

I asked him, "Rudra, are you sure about this?"

"Of course I am! You belong to me and I want to get married to you in our own way", he said again.

I sternly asked, "And what about Ananya? What are we going to do after marriage?"

"Oh, come one Shehnaya! Ananya never wants to get married to me. She'll be living with me but trust me, you'll be what you are in my life. The girl I am engaged to, the girl I'll be married to. I will find you a nice home to stay in. I'll come to stay with you sometimes. We'll cook together, spend time and we'll go for short holidays. But please be friends with Ananya. She is a nice person. You'll be friends, won't you?", Rudra said things without pausing.

His pauses were not expected like the plans he made for us. He thought of things all alone. He thought I'll be able to live alone in a home and wait for him to come someday and live with me. He thought, I'll be friends with the girl who will be her 'legal' girlfriend for his family. He thought, I'll calmly see Ananya thinking him to be hers alone. I'll silently, watch Ananya cook for him, eat together, sleep together, go out for dinner together and do everything for him that I shall be given the right to do. He expects me to remain silent and stoic when he is ill. He expects me to watch Ananya cry when he falls sick while I stand emotionless. He expected me to be his 'friend' for Ananya when I knew Ananya was his 'live in partner'. He expected so much and thought I was a superwoman to endure everything?

I looked at him and thought. I was too weak to accept these compromises. I knew, we couldn't get engaged. And even if we did, it would be just for love and nothing else. My life with him was full of emptiness and pretense. Our love was to remain behind a facade for a lifetime. So was I strong enough to endure it? I asked myself repeatedly and the answer was 'no'.

But the ring was supposed to be a symbol of our love, I thought. I looked up at Rudra again who was waiting for my answer. With tears in my eyes, I said, "Yes. I'll get engaged to you but no marriage. Not now."
"But why? Don't you trust me?", he asked.
I don't trust myself. I am not so strong. I said to myself in mind.
"Not that. I just don't want to hurry. Let's give each other sometime", I said.
He nodded and got up from his chair. He came near me and rested his palm on my shoulder. I embraced him and rested my head on his chest. Instantly tears trickled down my eyes.
The silence in room made me comfortable & I closed my eyes. Rudra, running his fingers through my hair said, "Shehnaya"
"Umm..hmmm", I replied.
"You'll make a great mom", he said.
I looked at him.
"But we can never have a child together. Will you take care of Arjun always? "
"I will...", I said in a soft tone.
Rudra said, "I love you, Shehnaya."
"I love you too", I replied.
So many compromises. Why? I asked myself.
Because of love. I answered. Because I love someone who is not mine.
Tears continued to moisten my cheeks. I hugged him tighter now.
I loved him madly and so did he. I knew he knows how difficult things were for me but he was helpless. His hands were tied up.
I was to share him for the rest of my life. I had to probably share him with someone who never valued him rightly in her life.

To be continued...

Jaismita Alexander