Who Are You?

XIII

Stevie was home after spending almost a week in the hospital. The surgery went well, but she was ordered to rest, knowing her, Lindsey and Barbara talked to the doctor and he agreed to keep her in the hospital. She didn't talk much to anyone, she seemed to be lost in her own thoughts most of the time. Her mother stayed home with the girls mostly, while Lindsey stayed with Stevie, even though she barely acknowledge him. The doctor told her that both, physical and emotional, recovery wasn't going to be easy. It was suggested for her to talk to a professional, but she refused, saying she lost a baby, she wasn't crazy. Hearing those words tore Lindsey apart, as he sat by her side, without a single idea of how to help her.

Lindsey brought Stevie home and then left, explaining he had things to do, but he would come see her later in the day. Aria and Mabel were excited to have their mother back, but it was very obvious to the girls something had changed in her. They weren't told what exactly happened to Stevie, but they understood enough to realize it was serious, since she had spent so many days in the hospital.

Barbara wasn't going to leave just yet either. She was going to help until Stevie got stronger in every way, to be able to care for herself and the twins. Stevie didn't really say anything about it, she simply headed upstairs and into her bedroom, saying she had to lay down. 

While Barbara was downstairs making soup, the girls by her side, Stevie was in bed, running the pads of her fingers over the scar in her lower abdomen. She couldn't bend over and see it, but she wanted to. It would only hurt her more emotionally, but she wanted to look at it.

Not without some struggle, Stevie got out of bed and slowly walked to the bathroom. She flicked the light on and stood in front of the floor length mirror that was there. Taking a moment to compose herself, she lifted the shirt she was wearing up, then her eyes traveled to her middle and immediately welled up with tears. She didn't ask for this, especially from someone she thought she loved, from the man who gave her two beautiful daughters... The scar would be there forever, the constant reminder; ugly, angry, disgusting reminder... 

Stevie washed her face with cold water, trying to disguise she had been crying, although she knew she didn't do a very good job. She left her room and one at a time, took steps downstairs to the kitchen. Barbara was about to scold her like a little kid for being out of bed, but Stevie spoke first.

"When Lindsey comes, do not let him in."

"What are you talking about, Tee?"

"I don't want to see him."

"Stephanie, are you okay?" Barbara asked worriedly. "Lindsey, out of everyone, should be here with you and he wants to be. He wants to be by your side, sweetheart. Thanks to him, this didn't have an even worse ending, because he made you go to the hospital. Who knows what might have happened if you stayed home."

"I told you, I don't want him here. He doesn't have to be here."

"Why are you saying these things, honey?"

"Just do what I say." Stevie didn't stay to hear what else her mother had to say and went back upstairs and got into bed.

Several hours later, the doorbell rang and Barbara knew exactly who it was, but she didn't know what to do. She wanted to obey her daughter's wish, but when it was that absurd? With a heavy sigh, she opened the front door and of course there stood Lindsey.

"I'm sorry, I took longer than I had planned." He said and wanted to go inside, but Barbara stood in his way. "Um... is everything okay?"

"No."

"What happened? Is it Stevie? What's wrong with her?"

"She's fine, she just... Lindsey, I don't know what is up with my daughter, but she asked me not to let you in."

He frowned, folding his arms. "Did she explain why?"

"She said you don't have to be here and she doesn't want to see you."

"That is bullshit. I'm going in." Lindsey pushed the door wider and entered the house, adding. "This is not your fault, I'll say I broke in."

Barbara closed the door, watching as he went upstairs, having expected this reaction.

Lindsey knocked on Stevie's door without saying anything and she thought it was one of the girls or her mother, so she asked them to come in. "What the hell did I do wrong now?"

"How are you in here? I told mo..."

"I know what you told Barbara and I don't understand it. Why are you being this way, Stevie? I'm here to help you through this."

"I don't need you, I'll be fine."

She was facing away from him, silent tears already falling from her eyes. He sat behind her, touching her arm, but she pulled away. "I know you always like to be strong, but this is heartbreaking what you had to go through and you will continue to do so. You don't have to deal with this by yourself."

"I plan on doing just that."

"Why are you crying then if you're so determined on being on your own during this terrible period of time?"

"Just go, please..." She said quietly, he almost didn't hear it.

"Tell me why?"

It was very rare that she told him the truth almost right away, which hurt him immensely after hearing it. "Because I'm no good anymore. I'm not whole anymore. A huge part of what defines a woman and differs us, has been taken away from me and you do not need me this way. I can't give you anything."

"Don't say those things ever again! Stevie, I love you for the person you are, I don't care about anything else. Besides, I'm not asking anything of you. I just want you as you are, I want to be with you and the girls. That's all I ask."

"Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't want to have children of your own?"

"It doesn't matter anymore, don't you understand? I love Aria and Mabel as if they were my own. I think that I already have children, Stevie."

She didn't reply for a few long minutes and he wanted to continue speaking, but... "I don't believe you. I don't believe you wouldn't want to be a biological father to a child."

"But you have to! Because I mean it, I do. And don't you remember the doctor saying that taking out one ovary, doesn't take your chances from getting pregnant again?"

"See, you still think about possibilities."

"Please, don't do this, Steph, I'm begging you. I know what happened is extremely traumatizing, but we can deal with it. Why don't you just let us be together?"

"I told you already. I'm worthless..."

"Stop repeating that! You're not worthless! You're everything I've ever wanted and once again you found an excuse to push me away!"

"Lindsey..." She let out a deep breath. "Please, just accept the decision I have made. I've lost a child, I've lost a part of me and you don't have to deal with it, it's my problem."

He was becoming more frustrated with every second. "You're the woman I have loved my whole life. Seeing you hurt - hurts me as well. I don't want you to have to do this alone, I want to be there for you. I want to hold you and be a shoulder to cry on, I will tell you it's going to get better, I will keep reminding I love you, when you need it the most. But you have to let me it, you have to realize none of this scares me, I want to be with you."

After another long pause, he heard her sniffle and then say. "No. You deserve more, you deserve better."

"Ste-"

"Please, leave."

"I wo-"

"Go! Please, just go and leave me alone!" She cried and he knew he wasn't going to win it like this.

"I'll go. But be sure that I will come back." 

After he said that, he left her be like she asked him to do so repeatedly.