to choose between

seasons and reasons

I’m trying to open my eyes. My whole body seems to not want to work for me. I groan out loud because my head is pounding. As I start massaging it all the memories come back. My sister, the attack , my baby. My eyes snap open and I jump out of bed. Immediately I see Zaire and my grandmother rushing towards me. “Love please get back into bed.” He says to me. “Fuck that where is my sister?” he begins to open his mouth to answer me then I reach to rub my belly and realize there’s no baby in it. shock, horror and sadness runs through my body. I begin to shake. “have I lost them both?” instead of answering me he picks me up and take me back to bed. He lays me in the bed and sits beside me. I’m too scared to ask again. Too scared to confirm what I already know. He’s having trouble finding the words. And I just lose it. Crying so hard my vision is blurred. So hard my body trembles. “Sapphire love the baby came early. The energy you used in the attack was too much for your body in the pregnancy state. Your grandmother and aunt had to help you deliver your baby while you were unconscious.” I cut him off to get him straight to the point. “Is my baby gone?” I close my eyes to brace myself for the impact of it. “No love. But he is weak. I don’t know what’s going to happen to him. They’ve set him up in the room next to this one.” My eyes snap open from the shock of it. I can’t believe he survived that. But then I realize something else must be wrong. “Cassie?” I say. “They have her. Silas has her in the underworld. But, love early this morning your mother was dropped off close to my territory. She’s been tortured and I know her last breath is close. You need to be strong and go to her.” He’s holding my shaking hand and I’m feeling so overwhelmed. My sister is gone. My child is fighting for his life and my mother doesn’t have much time left. I thought I was strong enough. I thought I was going to walk straight into my destiny and be successful. Now I’m doubting all of that.

Walking into the room to see my mother after all these year was bittersweet. I can’t believe I have her back. But know this is not the way I wanted this to happen. She looks horrible. Black and blue. Gashes and bruises all over her. Her breathing is shallow. Sitting next to her I begin to stroke her hair. I remember when we were sick that she would sit there for hours holding us and stroking our hair until we felt better. “Sapphire” her weak voice snaps me out of my memory.  “Yes Mama?” I say to her. “Sapphire baby please listen to all I have to say don’t interrupt.” I nod my head. “Silas is going to try everything possible to destroy you and all you love. He will try to use everything he can to put a wedge between you and Cassie. You cannot let him. He will no kill Cassie because he wants you to have a reason to bring the fight to him. He has to strike within the next couple of weeks while he is at full strength. But he is scared of coming to earth to do that. You have united so many. His army will not stand a chance. So he’s making you bring the fight to the underworld. You must bring your son with you. He is the key to defeating him. He will know what is to be done when the time comes. Prepare and take as many as you can Sapphire this will be a war in every sense of the word.” She starts to cough and I bring the water up to her lips. “Mama, I’ll do whatever I have to. Just please don’t leave me.” I beg her “It’s my time baby. Just remember I believe in you. I love both of you girls so very much.” I sit for the next 2 hours lying with my arms around my mother in silence. I listen as each breath she takes becomes softer and softer. I hear her start to wheeze and I know that these next couple of breaths will be her last. She grabs my hand and squeezes it. And I let the tears slide down my face. “I love you Mama.” I whisper and with that last breath my mother is gone. And I suddenly feel empty. I cry for the pain she went through. For the life she never got to live. And for my sister who didn’t get to say good bye. Walking out of her room I’m filled with the kind of rage one only feels when they’ve watch someone they love die at the hands of another.

Shutting the door behind me I decide I cannot do what I want. I cannot get into the bed and cry for weeks like my emotions want me to. I have to save my sister. I have to save myself. And I will not become weak as Silas wants me to be. I realize I haven’t seen my boy. I walk into the room Zaire told me was or babies. Zaire is in the corner rocking a small infant. I can’t get my feet to move towards them. I’m in awe of him. That child is beautiful. That child is mine. Zaire walks towards me and hands me my son. I hold my baby in my arms for the first time and feel a love like no other I’ve had. The bond between us is instant. Zaire looks me in the eye and I know he’s asking what of my mother. I nod and he leaves the room. I thank the stars and the moon for him because I know he’s going to prepare my mother for her burial. The little bundle is wide awake. His amber eyes are shining brightly at me. He has a full head of dark chocolate curls and skin the color of toffee. Beautiful is the only word to describe him. I then realize he’s quite big for a 2 day old baby. My grandmother walks up beside me and I’m guess she know what I’m think from my puzzled face. “He’s already beginning his rapid growth spurt. If he would have been born on time he’d be even bigger” she chuckles. And I see pride in her old eyes. “Grandma… Mama” she holds her hand out to stop me. “Everything has a season and a reason baby. And you must respect the natural flow of life. We must move forward because the past is not to be lived in.” and with that she walks out of the room. Sitting in the rocking care staring into his eyes I try to think of what we should call him. I was thinking of his father strong name and decided on Zacharius. (ZA-CA-RYE-US) I recalled hearing it meant “remembered by God.” My eyes begin to water and I see Zaire walk in. “his name will be Zacharius.” He touches my shoulder and says “perfect.”