Ridiculous

Squashings

Will walked towards his apartment door, his controled and measured footsteps, designed to give just the right click of authority and presence, quickened unconsciously at the sight of his humble dwelling. Eager to get out of the cold he reached in his pocket for his keys,and after a moment of cursed fumbling, found nothing... there was further fumbling as he searched for his keys. Then the realisation dawned that his keys were in his jacket pocket, the jacket which he had left at Will's house. In rage he began to shout.

 In order to protect the innocent young readers, some of the words in Will's frustrated soliloquy have been replaced with much nicer words (words in bold). As he searched for his keys he first muttered then shouted, "Where the Unicorn is my Unicorning Keys! What the Unicorn ... Arghhh! For Unicorn's sake.... Unicorning Lepracaun! Lepracaun! Rainbows! I have just walked through the Unicorning cold Lepracauning night! To get here! This is such Rainbow! Unicorning Rainbow! Unicorn!" At this point the window of the second floor opened and the land lady, owner of the appartment, named Mrs Frown, stuck her head out and shouted down at Will.

 She boomed, "What the Unicorn are you doing! What Princess time do you think it Unicorning is! You utter utter Sparkle! Are you trying to test my Magicing Patience! It's well past Lepracauning Midnight! So stop Unicorning swearing you little Sparkle!". Will was just about to call her something unpleasant when it occured to him that since he didn't have the key, this hairy, foul mouthed fat woman was his best chance of entering his own rented apartment.

 "I... I'm..." Will hesitated, apologising was something he did as frequently as giving money to charity... never, "I'm Sorry Mrs Frown... but I forgot my keys, could you let me in?"

 At this, the old woman paused for a while, her already crinkled line filled face became more lined as she seemd to go deep in thought. She scratched her curly fading orange hair then absent mindedly pulled out a nose hair and threw it out of the window. Then slowly her face, one in a permanent expression of anger, seemed to shake. Then like a mountain slowly rising, the corner's of her mouth trembled and shook. Little dust particles fell from the creases on her face and many bacteria living on her face were killed in landslides caused by this sudden shift in geography. And slowly, a bit by bit, micrometer by micrometer, the edges of her mouth began to ascend. And after an agonisingly long while, she grimaced. But it was a grimace that was clearly meant to be a smile.

Then through her yellowing teeth she whispered, as if scarcly believing her luck, "You've lost your keys?", there was an ominous pause as the thing that was intended to be a smile reached Mrs Frown's eyes, " Wait there" she said to Will, a tremble of joy in her usually strong voice.

Will stood out on the cold street for a few seconds, then began to pace back and forth uneasily. Though he had not noticed it on the way there now that he had stopped in one area, he suddenly noticed how many shadows there were in the night. What creatures could inhabit these dark corners? Did he see something move around that alley? Was it the glint of a vicious eye that he could see in the dark? He had already met a sinister being that night and there was no garuantee the other sinister inhabitants of the night were going to be as civil and pleasant as Mr Thomas Tiddles, thought Will.

Just as Will was wondering whether the fowl crown, Mrs Frown, had forgotten him completely, the window of his room on the third floor opened. Will stopped his pacing to stare up at his room window, expecting Mrs Frown's ugly, semi-bearded, face to pop up at any moment. But instead a bin bag was thrown out of the window without warning. Will dived for cover as the bin bag full of objects smashed on the pavement where he had just stood. There was a tremendous crash, a mixture of metal crokery, broken plates, wood and numerous other things. After a moment Will cautiously aproached the bin bag, as of it could explode at any moment. He opened it to find inside were his own, now mostly borken, pocessions.

 Mrs Frown's face peered out of the window in time for Will to look up to shout "What the Unicorn are you doing, you old Lepracaun!"

In response the old woman gave a cackle of delight then screeched, "I'm throwing you out William Thorns! You haven't paid rent for three months but I knew you'd put up a fight if I tried to throw you out... but now you've lost your key! You're out there! I'm in here! There's nothing you can do to stop me!"

"You're crazy!" shouted Will.

"No, that's what I'd be if I let you stay you useless Rainbow! Besides you're the crazy one! All you do is pat my back every time I ask for rent!" screamed Mrs Frown.

"Well what are you going to do with all my stuff! You can't just throw it all out!" raged Will. In response to this another bin bag flew out of the window and landed next to him with a heavy thud and a cracking of the pavement. Will enbittered and strengthened by his anger, stood his ground, "Well!" he shouted, "Are you going to throw out all my stuff!" Another bin bag of pocessions landed explosively next to him, "I see how it is!" Raged Will, "Well lets see you try and throw down my grand piano then!" He shouted triumphantly.

There was a satisfying absence of plummeting bin bags and Will was just beginning to smile smugly when the silence was broken by a faint creaking noise. As Will strained harder to catch the sound, it became abundantly clear that it was coming from his room on the third floor, through the open window. The sound was familiar... It sounded like... like... the old slightly squeeky wheels on his grand piano... But surely the old woman wouldn't be as mad to...

There was a tremendous crash that made Will flinch. Then there was another smash and a shower of bricks and dust began to rain down on him. He closed his eyes and covered his head against the on storm. When he opened his eyes again he saw, to his horror, that the entire wall section around his apartment window had been knocked down. And there, framed by the freshly created hole in the wall, Mrs Frown stood triumphantly beside Will's prized grand piano. "Oh no..." muttered Will.

"William! I am throwing you out!" cried Mrs Frown triumphantly.

"No don't!" shouted Will in desperation as Mrs Frown began to push, "That piano is very valuable!" squeeked Will. Taking no notice of his please, Mrs Frown continued to heave, a side of the Piano came off the third floor, causing the piano to teeter dangerously. "Its a family heirloom!" screeched Will. The piano teetered, almost half of it now no longer on solid ground but hovering over the pavement three floors below. "ITS REAL IVORY!" shouted Will. The Piano, now just a half of it on the third floor and the other on thin air, began to tip towards Will and the streets below as Mrs Frown pushed. "MY VERY OWN GRANDFATHER SHOT THE ELEPHANT! AND FASHIONED THE KEYS HIMSELF!" Mrs Frown continued to push. "ITS  ANTIQUE!".

 There was a sliding noise as finally the balance was broken and the grand piano began to slide off the third floor and pulled by gravity, began to plummet towards the streets and Will below. "NOOO!" shouted Will and dived for cover as the piano smashed, musically into the unyielding stone pavement.

"And good ridence!" screeched Mrs Frown down at Will  from the third floor. Then giving a satisfied cackle, went back to her own room to sleep, satisfied that one of her greatest problems had been solved.

 Will meanwhile, got up and staggered to the ruins of his piano and knelt down beside its carcass. He had never played it, for he had no musical talent, but he had always dreamt of playing it. It had always been there, so elegant, so majestic, so... respectable. He had thought he would one day, in a fine black silk jacket and ironed smart white shirt, might with white gloved hands, play the most elegant of instruments. But such dreams had now been shattered along with his grand piano.

But even as Will grieved, a deep voice behind him boomed, "Real ivory you say? Your grandfather shot the elephant himself you say?"

Will turned round to see who had dared interrupt his silent mourning and saw an elephant. A large street elephant, and judging from its battle scars, a survivor, high up in the hierachy. He was a real gangster elephant and his eyes were red with rage, focused intently on rappidly panicking Will.