Five

The Test

I gasp as I wake up from the simulation, my body jolting in shock. My lips stings and when I take my hand away from it, there is blood on my finger tips. I must have bitten it while I was in the simulation. I calm my breathing down as my eyes gaze to the dauntless woman who is administrating my aptitude test. A year ago, tobias Sat in a chair like this, doing the exact same thing I have. Tori, the dauntless, gives me a strange look as she pulls her hair back and ties it in a knot. As she looks at the screen with my results, I notice a hawk tattooed on the back of we neck. Deep down I want to ask her why she chose a hawk but i stop myself from seeming curious.

"When you were in the simulation..." She turns back to me. "Were you aware it wasn't real?" She says as she then switches of the machine. Her voice sounds and looks causal, but it's a studied casual, learned from years of practice. I know it when I see it. Tobias taught me the signs. This is what father said would happen. He told me that they would ask me if I was aware during the simulation, and he told me what to say if they did.

"No." I state. "If I was, do you think I would have chewed through my lip?" My words come out a bit harsher then expected so I quickly close my mouth before anything else can escape. I was aware though, I was aware that I was in a chair In a room with wires attached to me while I felt I was somewhere else. It was a weird feeling.

Tori studies me for a few seconds, then bites down on the ring through her lip before saying, "congratulations. Your results was textbook abnegation." this is the exact same result that tobias got. I nod, biting my already injured lip, making me wince slightly. The word 'abnegation' doesn't seem right to me. I don't seem right to fit it.

"Aren't you pleased?" She asks.

"Abnegation members will be." I reply, hoping as will stop talking, but she doesn't.

"I didn't ask about them, I asked about you." Tori's mouth and eyes turn down in the corners like they bear little weights. Like she's sad about something. "This is a safe room. You can say whatever you want here."

I knew what my choices in the aptitude test would result in before I even arrived at school this morning. I chose food over a weapon. I threw myself in the path of the dog to save the little girl. I knew after them choices, after the test, I would receive abnegation as my result. And I don't know if I would have made different choices, chosen the weapon instead or left the dog to get the girl, if father hadn't coached me, taught me what he taught tobias, hadn't controlled my aptitude test, my choices from afar. So what was I expecting? What faction did I want?

Any of the factions except abnegation.

"I'm pleased." I say firmly. I don't care if she says it's a safe room. There are not safe rooms, no safe secrets. I can still feel the dog's teeth closing around my arm, tearing my skin. I start towards the door after giving a small smile to tori, but before I leave, her hand grasps my elbow.

"You're the one who has to live with your own choice." She says. "Everyone else will get over it, move one, no matter what you decide. But you never will. I told the exact same thing when I administrated your brothers test." She administrated tobias's test? I open the door and walk out.

I sprint home, loving the feel of the wind against my skin, loving the rush through my veins. It's one of the joys in life I had control over. My feet slap against the path, leading to the doorstep and once I'm about to reach to open the door, I stop. I let my body take over as I turn and sit down on the step. Now I understand why tobias needed to take that moment of peace. Going through there, I would have to face Marcus. He has been a lot more harsh since tobias transferred and I haven't heard from him since visiting day. I still remember what happened after, clear like it was yesterday.

"You went to see him? Didn't you!" Marcus yelled at me, but it wasn't a question, it was a statement. He didn't need to question where I went to.

"I couldn't help myself." I cower against the sink, trying to shrink back.

"Couldn't help yourself?! You are just as much as a traitor as he is!" With that, he brings his fist back and let's it fly.

I shudder at the memory, my back feeling uncomfortable against the fabric of my shirt. All moments of peace has to come to an end. I get up, brushing bits of cement from my grey slacks, and push open the door. Marcus sits in his chair in the living room, surrounded by paper work. Just like he was when tobias came In and told him his tests results. I pull up straight, so he can't scold me for slouching as I make my way further towards him.

"Tell me about your aptitude rest." He gestures to the sofa opposite and I cross the room before sitting on the edge of the cushion, for an easy escape.

"What was your result?" He asks as he takes of his glasses.

"Abnegation."

"Nothing else?"

I shake my head. "No, sir."

"Nothing strange happened with your test?" He asks and I shake my head. During my aptitude rest, I knew where I was. I knew whole I felt like I was standing in the cafeteria of my school, I was actually lying in a chair in the test room. It was strange.  But I don't want to talk about it. Especially with him, not helping the fact I see stress brewing in him. Hard day at work.

"No." I say.

"Don't lie to me." He seizes my arm and my mind flashes back to when he did this to tobias and I was only able to watch.

"I'm not, I got abnegation, just as expected. The woman barely looked at me as I walk out. I promise." I say the words like they have been rehearsed many times before. He realises my arm and where his vice grip was, I feel the skin pulse.

"Good." He says as he looks at me intently. "I'm sure you have some thinking to do. You should go to your room." I nod as I rise from the seat, relived I get to leave.

"Yes sir." I whisper before leaving to my room.

Later that night, father didn't have any council members around so I was forced to sit with him and eat dinner. We both sat in silence. But I didn't mind the silence part, I'm used to be ignored every day, it's his presents that disturbed me.

I lie in tobias's bed, the glass sculpture in my hands, letting my finger tips run over the smooth surface as I ignore the thoughts of my aptitude tests. But what is going to happen tomorrow plays in my mind. I see myself standing among the bowls of the faction elements m, knife in hand. Four factions I don't know or trust with traditions I don't know or understand. Only one that is familiar, predictable. IF I choose abnegation, will it lead me to a life of happiness? It will certainly lead me to a comfortable place, a familiar place. It would take a whole lot of selfishness to choose abnegation.

Pulling the blankets over my head, I close my eyes but continue to be awaken by my thoughts. A childish part of me won't let me stay here, the part that is afraid of the man downstairs in the living room. The man whose knuckles I know far better than his embrace.

The answers and choices fight against each other in my mind. But tomorrow, only one can win.