Impossible - May's variant

8th Chapter : I'd never leave you alone

Sorry, I know it's been more than a week or even 2 (I dont know excactly) since I uploaded the last chapter. I was just so uncreative and had some trouble in my life, so sorry. But I already have an idea for the 9th Chapter so it'll come faster (maybe already tomorrow or wednesday)

Still May's POV

After Macy went home again, I spent the whole rest afternoon on my balcony. Just like before she came, the only difference was that I felt better. She ever made me feel better with just being there. Her radiation is unbelievable, this warmth. This is why she was my best friend. Everything about her was perfect. She was perfect in every way. For the first time we met, I thought she's annoying and to be honest I didn't liked her. Until we had to cook lunch for our kindergarden group and everything ended up in a huge food fight. Not in an angry one, don't understand it wrong! It was awesome and one of the most important moments of my entire life. Since then, Macy, Chris and I were best friends. Even if he ever meant a lot to me, more than to her.

And now we're again there. Chris. 'Oh, god' I thought 'I should stop thinking about this cunt!'. I opened my eyes, wich was a mistake. The sun shone directly in my eyes. You probably know how much it hurts. "Shit", I said to myself "You're not just insane, you're even stupid!"

I couldn't hold my hand from running to my head and give me a slap. I'm this kind of human who needs to be slapped all around the clock, sometimes I'm even ashamed for the things I say. Honestly, I hate who I am today. I can't help it, I hate everything about me. My mind, my whole personality, all in all my outside and inside. Sometimes it hurts to know that I'll never love myself. That means, myself. Not the 'myself' the people want to see. I always do what people tell me because I'm afraid of being different. Not afraid of being different itself, I hate to think about what people would think if I'd walk by. 'Stop being pathetic and afraid of eveything and start living your life as May' I ever thought to myself. Again and again, but my anxiety is to big.  

I got up from my hammock, wich slowly started to get as hot as an oven. Whenever I started thinking about me, I just had to go up to the big attic of our house. It's not that I like all the spiders and their weaves, it's the only place I can stil feel close to my grandmother Heather, who died about 2 years ago. My parents don't want me to go up, for whatever reason. Happily I have an attic door in my room.  

I loved her so much. When she was alive, she was like the only person I had and wanted to talk to. She wasn't like the others, she was the one who always listened to me, who made me keep up my head. When she died, it was the point when my life got worst. I didn't left my room anymore, I didn't talked to anybody. That was the reason for becoming the one I am today, the one I hate most.  

I grabbed the lever wich I've hidden in the darkest corner of my room so my parents thought I don't have one to get up. I felt my hands tremble when I went up the stairs. Whenever I'm really afraid of something my hands and knees start to tremble. Before I opened the door, I heard engines. My parents probably left with my brother to eat something. I know, you could think they don't care for me but they know I ever want to stay at home so they don't even ask me anymore. I mean, what for?  

My heart started beating faster when I opened the door. I haven't been up there for a long time. I was afraid, she could be mad about me. I know it sounds weird. But I really have the feeling her ghost and soul is up there, she'd never leave me alone here. Alone on this world living with myself, she promised me.   "Hey granny", I said with fear in my voice "I know I haven't been here for a long time, hope you don't mind.   'Her' answer was nothing but a wind drifting through the boards.  

I walked, almost sneaked on the squeaky floorboards towards the big box. In it where photo's of her, her jewelry and even old clothes. It was a box full of memories to the still most important human in my whole life. I swear I could feel views from behind. I couldn't help being afraid being there. It was the most familiar place and the strangest at the same time. The way to the box seemed like a million miles to me, maybe it was because I walked so slow. So slow that I didn't even dared to breathe.   Finally, I reached the box. I stared on it until I fell on my knees right in front of it. I felt the wind, blowing against my neck and I felt my skin shiver. When I opened, a picture flew right on my lap. It was one my father obviously took. I knew it because I could see a piece of a fingertip infront of the lens. He never could take pictures, he says you need the 'photography-gene' to take photo's. A little smile appeared on my face but left as fastly as it came when I realized what was on the picture. It was my and granny Heather.   

It was the day I went riding on a horse for the first time. I wished to ride for years, to be honest as long as I can even think. One day, it was a saturday, my mom came in my room and woke me up."Come downstairs, fastly, Granny has a suprise for you..." she said while picking my clothes (Yes, it was the time when my mother used to pick my clothes for the day). I had and still have a special mind for things to happen, so I knew it would be something very exciting. Fastly, I went downstairs, so excited that I almost fell down the stairs. "What's my suprise?! What's my suprise?!" I said untwisted. My grandma, who stood in the door, just smiled and me and said "Come with me in the car, but keep your eyes closed until I tell you to open it!". "Okay" I said with a little giggle. When we arrived and I opened my eyes, I started crying because I was just so thankful to her. I just hugged her and said "I love you", the first time I ever said that...  

I felt tears running down my cheeks. The same feeling I had at this day. A real tangle of feelings. It was literally the best day of my life, and these are the moments I miss most. The happiest memories of my whole life are with her. All my happy thoughts passed away, just as she did.   When I looked at the picture I realized something white in the background. I looked up and realized, it the same blouse she wore on that day. I took it and pressed it to my chest, hoping I could feel her once again. But all I could smell was the smell of old dust. Actually, it smelled like it were 50 years old.   I was alone, but I didn't felt alone. I felt she was there. "You'd never leave me alone, would you?" I asked in the empty room still with tears in my eyes. The feeling to know, she couldn't answer me was horrible. Whenever I was up there, I had this feeling. I ever went up with the hope she's stand there and I could see her once again and tell her how much I miss her and how much she means to me. I bet it's the only hope I won't ever loose.  

I took anyother photo wich lied on the top of all these things wich were in the box. Honestly, it were my favorite picture. It showed me, my father, grandma Heather and my brother. He were really young and Heather were holding him in her arms. The photo was taken at her house, we were sitting on her "favorite bench". "Do you remember this day granny?" I said a bit more calmed "You were so happy because it was the first time you've seen Austin. He already was 7 months old but you were in hospital..." I stopped talking. She was in hospital for this 7 months because she got burst cancer. "...because this assholes couldn't find out what fucking disease you have!" I went on. "I bet if they wouldn't have been that stupid, you'd still be alive."   I had to take a little break from talking, tears slowly came to my eyes again. Burst cancer. Is it so hard to find out? Why couldn't they before? "I bet... And... Why you? Why did you have to go?" I knew her answer. I asked this question so many times before. "Remember when I used to visit you everyday in hospital?" I said sniffing. "I regret not visiting you before. I just started one month before you died... The day you died, the 15th May, well on that day this shit made my day so worse. It was the day when my grades totally went like crazy and it was the day the teachers told me I had to return the 7th grade... When I asked Miss Simons if I could go up to you she just looked at me and said 'She... She just is another victim of cancer now'. I couldn't trust her words and asked again if I could go up to you. I knew I couldn't but... You told me never to give up hope on anything." I looked up to see if she is there. Of course she wasn't. "Well, to be honest. I gave up almost every hope I have."   I remember her blue eyes with her brown her. I still don't know if it was her real hair. It's unnatural to have brown hair and blue eyes with the age of 55, right? "If you'd just know how much I miss you... You know, today..." the sound of an engine interupted me. "That's mum and dad with Austin, I have to go." I said with a sigh.   I stood up, and went to the door a bit faster than I came. I knew they wouldn't like to know I still "visit" her. I grapped the lever again, but before I closed the door I looked around the empty room and said "I love you...".

Just soon enoughto close it and sit down on my bed pretending to do something with my phone.   My mom's head came throw the door and asked if everythings alright. "Of course..." I said with a fake smile. She raised an eyebrow but quickly closed the door again.  

"Closer than close", I whispered to myself. "It's impossible to forget you, granny. But I know you are up there. You'd never leave me alone." The first time I actually believed my words after a long time...