Tell Me That You Love Me

Anywhere You Are

I imagined this moment to be different. I don't know why but I assumed he would kiss me rougher, harder. I thought he would be more dominant than this.
Maybe it's because of how confident he is during our Shoey videos. He doesn't hesitate to touch me in front of the camera yet now he is treating me like I am too fragile for him to even look at.

I see a different side to him.
It isn't confident Shane nor sensitive Shane. You can't define it.
It's like he isn't a personality nor a face; he is the blood thudding through my veins, the thoughts that flood my mind.
It's like I can feel his soul as we kiss. We kiss, slowly. We kiss like it isn't a gesture or an activity. It's like we have to kiss. We have this undeniable urge, desire to hold one another and risk a last gasp just to be that little bit closer.
Then he pulls away.
He looks at me with trembling iris' that reflect dark rivers under the bathroom light. He gulps, hands slightly damp against my face.
"I'm sorry..." His voice breaks as he steps away but I stop him.
My fingers tightly entwine with his.
"Do you...do you want to be with me?"
He quickly looks down and for a moment I don't expect an answer at all.
"I just...we need to go slow." He looks into my eyes, his face flushing with his hidden confession.
I abruptly lean forward only to place a gentle peck to his forehead. He breathes out a mist of nervous laugh as my lips attach to his flustered skin.

*       *       *

Crimson t-shirt, messy hair; he is laughing hysterically at something on the television. He sits up boldly and points dramatically at the screen.
"Bitch just fell!"
He looks at me, grinning wildly.
"Maybe she got hurt?" I ask.
He somewhat glares at me.
"And?"
I laugh.
"You have such a warm heart, Shane."
His lips curve to a dimpled smirk.
"I try."
Drew had just left and Shane had asked me to stay for dinner. By dinner he basically meant ordering takeaway and watching his favourite shows.
I sit with him, watching one of his weird, documented TLC programmes. I would much rather watch The Hunger Games but I pretend to be intrigued by what we're currently watching.
I get bored though.
I start fiddling with his caramel hair, twirling it around my finger and then releasing it. He looks irritated and quickly moves his head.
"Joey, what are you-"
"This is boring, can't we do something?"
He turns, raising an eyebrow.
"We could...go out?" I gulp. "Like you know..."
The word is balancing off the edge of my tongue but I can't say it. I might be rushing things. Am I rushing things if I say-
"On a date?" I finish.
I look at him and hurriedly he looks down. I see his face blushing red.
"Uhm..." He laughs, slightly. "I thought this was a..."
I grin.
"Oh."
I must have looked disappointed because he frowns deeply looking almost guilty.
"I know it's not...romantic or whatever and I know that's what you want but I just-"
"Want to take things slow, I get it." I nod though I can't help but feel an urge at the pit of my belly.
I feel like we hadn't moved from the friend zone. Nothing has changed other than the fact I was sure that he had feelings for me. I wanted to skip the casual dates, those awkward talks that start with "So where are we going with this relationship?"
I wasn't saying I wanted to have sex with him right now. I just wanted to grab a blanket, to snuggle affectionately, to press my mouth to kiss without hesitation. I wanted to go out on proper dates.
But he was right, I was moving too fast. I had to slow it down for Shane.

As the silence draws in, he finally speaks up.
"Is my company not good enough for you?"
"What?"
He rolls his eyes.
"I just want to spent time with you, do we need to necessarily be somewhere to be together?"
"It doesn't feel like...a date." I whisper.
He glares at me.
"Well it doesn't," I continue. "We should be fine dining, dressing up...not sitting on our arses and-"
"A date doesn't need to be out in public or at home...I don't care where we are. I just want to be..." He chokes on his words before continuing. "I just want to be anywhere you are. Is that not enough for you? Is cashing out my money the only way to please you?"
Silently I take his hand in mine and he somewhat relaxes. I can see the emotion swarming in his flushed eyes and I duck my head away so I don't have to look at him.
The pain is heavy in my heart.
"You're right. I'm taking this moment for granted." I look at him. "I just want to be with you. I don't care how."
He smiles at me.
"Okay...so you want to watch a film...one we both like?" He asks.
"Sounds like a date." I smirk.
"It is." My heart gushes as he hits me with a wink, his fingers tightening around mine.

* * *
The next day I'm at my apartment with Daniel. Well technically it's still "our" apartment that we once shared as a couple. It isn't as awkward as I had thought it would be though. Despite him telling me we cannot be friends after I had chosen Shane over him; everything seems alright.

We had spoken about it.
"You can do what you want with him. I mean, I know how you feel for him and I support it but please don't shove it in my face." Daniel had told me at the time.
Now, we're working on being friends.
Shane and I are still having small dates at his apartment were we watch films, eat and create videos together. The Shoey collabs are difficult to make though. We are pretending to be a couple on camera and he would do things as though to make it harder like he would lean in towards me.
"You're so hot." He would say mockingly.
I would have to contain the blush threatening to show.
It would reveal itself anyway because I knew that he meant it.
It frustrates me though because all I want to do is look into the lens and tell them all; I am in with love Shane Lee Yaw.
I start daydreaming about it.
He would look over at me after me confessing my love for him but instead of saying it back, he would scowl:
"My name is Shane Dawson."
And I would laugh before turning my head to press my eager lips against his. The kiss wouldn't go to plan though because Shane's grin would push against my face. His cheeks burning red because he just realised I told the world how much I love him.

Suddenly Daniel walks in and I snap out of it with a blush hitting my face.
I need to stop rushing ahead.

* * *

Just saw Shane's video I Love Wes Craven. It was so painful to watch, I hate seeing him cry.
I'm glad there was a good message at the end though. I hope Shane pursues his dream as a horror director, I know how much he wants to be one and I totally believe in him. I swear I'll buy every one of his films and support him no matter what.

Shane Dawson to me is how he sees Wes Craven. You're my idol, Shane.

RIP Wes Craven.

Chloe