The Turn of Truth

• days eleven to fifteen •

I spent all of yesterday deciding just what to say to Ale-Ray, but right now, as I stand before him, I'm speechless.

"Yeah, what?" he pushes, then adds, "What is it, Cass?"

"Sorry. I'm sorry, I really am."

"What for, leaving me? Or my parent's divorce. I don't need your pity Cass, you know how much I hate it."

"Um... for leaving you. The divorce too, but um. I don't pity you Ray, I miss you and I know you won't believe me but I really do. Life is not same without you, and I'm sorry that I realized it only after you had had enough of my bullshit."

"Better late than never."

"I'm really sorry, I know it just sounds like an empty word right now, but, God, I can't tell you how much I mean it. You're my best friend, Ray, and I can't imagine a future without you, let alone a present. I know I got distracted with the whole Alex thing a bit, but-"

"A bit? Cass, occasionally leaving me to hang out with him is a bit. Completely ignoring my presence to think about him all the time is not a bit, especially now, when I need you the most. Do you even know how horrible these days have been for me? Having to plug in my earphones but still not being able to block out the screams, the crying. The constant fights and my parents telling me that it's nothing. Not being able to come over and escape reality laughing with you. Having no one to talk about it, having no one to share the horrors. I get nightmare Cass, but when I wake up it's no relief. My life has become my nightmare. I'm barely coping with studies, all I do at home is try out new ways to drown out the noises. It is not easy for me Cass."

I can hear the crack in his voice, how did I do this to him? Shit. A tear is rolling down my cheek, I think Ray sees it.

"I'm sorry." Pathetic. That's all I can manage to say without blubbering like a baby.

"I'm sorry too Cass, I just. I can't stay mad at you. You know that but please, I do not have enough strength left to watch you leave me like all the other people in my life. Please Cass."

"I know, Ray. I know, and I swear I will never do it again. I love you Ray, please don't leave. Please forgive me."

He walks up to me, and hugs me. I cry into his shoulder, the feeling of being wrapped in his arms is so comforting. It's like having your dad hug you, I just feel so comfortable.

He doesn't pull away for a long time, nor do I. I look up at his face and get the shock of my life. My hearts breaks into million tiny pieces.

He is crying.

It was the most disturbing sight I have ever seen. I hug him tighter, rubbing circles on his back. He sobs harder into my shoulder.

"It'll be okay, I'm here. You will get through this Ray. You will."

He looks at me, nods and tries to smile, and even though I can see he doesn't manage one, his attempt was genuine. And suddenly, the world comes back to normal.

---

The next few days are devoted to keeping Ray fed, healthy and on his feet. He cries, goddamn, he cries a lot, and it's bloody painful to watch, but it's Ray, and Ray is the best fucking thing that ever happened to me, and he'll make it through this... this mess. He'll make it. He's strong.

He has been on the verge of crying, every little thing makes him shudder, and I never thought I would see Ray-Ray with the never ending words of narcissism and Ray who paints and Ray my best friend who's never out lame jokes being so... silent.

I also tutor him, Ha. What an irony, I never thought that I, Cassie would tutor Ray. He's usually the one who saves me before all the math tests and the history quizzes. The situation is truly grave, grave enough to make me almost forget about Alex for long periods of time.Almost. He still pops up randomly, and I hate myself for it. I have not talked to him since like, for ever but I know it will set Ray off and I'm avoiding him as much as I can.