The Turn of Truth

• day twenty four •

I have absolutely no fucking idea what I'll do today. I try to tell my mother I want to skip and she replies, 

"Look, baby, I would let you get away with this if today were any other day. But I don't want you running away from your responsibilities. Did something happen and you're scared to face the day? Woman up, Cassie. Deal with it. How else will you ever learn?" 

Fine, Mom. Look at me, all schoolboyish with my shining morning face, learning how to fuking deal with it. It's only at times like these do I really believe that textbooks teach easier than experience. 

Just kidding.

My earphones are blasting music into my ear and their is a novel in my hand, schoolbag slung over my right shoulder, I'm pressed against the wall waiting for the bus (and for Ray... and for Alex) to arrive, trying my level best to look like I'm not going to deal with any shit today. I probably will, though. Ha, ha. 

You know what shock is? 

Shock is seeing Ray and Alex arrive together, laughing, talking as if they're best friends. 

The guy who kissed me out of pity walking with the guy who almost kissed me out of pity (because I was crying... it must've been out of pity; my life is so sad) as if they never kissed or almost kissed their girl space friend out of pity. Not to mention that the guy who kissed me out of pity felt pity for me because of the guy who almost kissed me out of pity, and that the guy who almost kissed me out of pity felt pity because of the pre-guy who almost kissed me out of pity. 

Let me break it down for you. 

Ray walking with Alex as if neither of them ever kissed (or almost kissed) their girl_(space)_friend out of pity. Not to mention that Ray pitied me because of Alex, and that Alex pitied me because of Ray (but that was before Ray kissed me). 

I
am
fucking
done. 

Trying my hardest to pretend like I never gave enough shits, I bob my head back and forth to the beats, paying attention to the lyrics closely. 

My facade shatters as soon as Ray says something to me, leaving Alex behind to flirt with the blondie. Despite myself, I yank my earphones and raise my eyebrows at him, asking him to repeat what he just said. 

"Are you pissed at me still?" he asks. 

"You tell me, Ray," I challenge. "Can you tell from my face if I am?" 

He looks down for a minute and then looks right at me again. "What can I do to make it up to you?" 

"That's up to you, innit." 

"I'm really sorry, Cassie, I..." he runs a hand through his hair. Why do boys do that? Are they unaware that it makes the hormones I didn't even know exist just jump around as if they're footballs? 

"I don't know why I'm pissed at you, alright?" What the fuck, I'm talking shit. Truth, but shit. "Millions of people kiss other people without giving reason for it, the reason is supposed to be conveyed not by words but by actions and feelings and eyes or some shit like that. But I am fucking pissed at you, and I know I have no reason to be, but I am, and I'm sorry, God, damn, I am so sorry, okay? I don't know what I want you to say to me, I don't know what I want myself to hear, I don't know what to say, I'm really sorry, why don't you just leave me alone for some time, that would be fantastic." I just fucked up, didn't I. Hur(fucking)ray. Even 'hurray' has Ray in it. 

And the bus arrives. And I'm the first one to hop in, and I stare at Ray as the others do the same. He's still standing there, unblinkingly, with his mouth hanging open, looking into nothingness as if it's everything he's ever known. When he's finally shaken to his senses, he jumps in, comes and sits next to (wait for it) Alex, leaving me alone.