Before the sleep

Chapter eighteen

Daddy

Mcat is hard!

I didn't see the point of spending twelve years absorbing pointless information – most of which I would never use –, sitting through hours of the SAT so I could get in a good college, surviving four more years of unnecessary essays and finals, then to have to go through another hours length test just to gain the privilege to APPLY to medical school. There was absolutely no reason why the government didn't allow us to apply to medical school right after getting the basic in school. You know, like every other country did.

I thought Americans were supposed to find the quickest way to accomplish something not the way that wasted more time and money. While they were forcing driven students to die under needless pressure, they were letting idiots like my father walk away from their responsibilities and come back when the coast was clear.

I was supposed to be studying but the image of this half man kept flashing in my mind. His words kept twisting in my heart, making every cells in my body bursting in anger. I was remembering the pain that crossed my mother's face when he told her he was broke.

Yeah, that was why he had returned. His mail ordered bride – the one he went back to Haiti to marry and returned to live the easy life with – had run away with her boss and every penny in his bank account.

Respect for my mother and brother was all that kept me from grabbing him by the neck and flinch him out the window. He left us with nothing, not one dollar. We had do live in a shelter and eat off food stamps the few months after his disappearance before my mother got her current job. He had no right to come back now and beg to be welcome with open arms.

He had no rights but my mother was tempted. I saw her eyes soften when he was reciting his pitiful problems. He didn't even care that his son was in a hospital bed. He didn't ask what happened nor how he was doing. Nope, he went straight up to his money problems as if it affected us whether he was rich or poor.

I wanted to stay at the hospital to make sure he didn't manipulate my mother's emotions into letting him back into our family's circle but I was running out of excuse absence days at the university. The finals were only one week away and I had yet to study for them. I needed to get a minimum of B average in all of them for me to assure my acceptance in a good medical school.

By the tenth call redirected to her voicemail and hundredth text left unanswered, I knew something was up with Irene. I wasn't sure about what it was but something in the back of my mind kept sending me back to our last conversation. She thought I was calling her weak because I didn't want her to stay with me.

What a crazy woman! She really thought a weak person would still be standing after going through the heartbreaks she had went through. Even I would be devastated if my family decided to cut all ties with me. There was no way I would pick myself up as gracefully as she did and continued to live a better life without them.

She was a strong woman. Telling her that was my top priority when I left the hospital two days following my brother's awakening. I wasn't ready to lose her over some stupid misunderstandings. I just wanted to maintain our relationship the way it was. The four letter words that came out of it was simply bonus – the greatest bonus of my life.

She had finally said them. It was not like I ever doubted her feelings for me but it was nice to hear the words back for once.

Hearing her telling me how upset she was because of what she believed to be my opinion of her made me realize that she needed me as much as I needed her. She didn't see me as just someone cheering her on but her foundation post.

That was what led us to lock ourselves in my room today. In order to continue with our journey in life we both needed our foundation post with us to make sure we didn't fall halfway there.

The Mcat was our halfway there. It was supposed to filter out the ones with the least potential as a medical student. I had to make sure I wasn't part of the ones who were weed out.

Irene closed the textbook for the fifth time in the past thirty minutes. She sighed before moving to the single window in the room. She was biting her lips – a sign that her mind was turning the wheels on a new concept.

I followed her to the window. "Irene, talk to me," I whispered in her ear.

My arms snaked around her waist, holding her warm body to mine as we contemplated the heavy activities unrolling in the streets. Every deadlines were near so students were hurrying to stay in pace with the rush week while avoiding the unpredictable weather that was Florida's weather.

I felt her diaphragm contracting as she inhaled a deep breath. The rapid thumping of her heart vibrated my palm that rested on her chest.

Fear for the words that will spill out of her mouth slowed down everything in the world. The low buzzing of a mosquito trying to escape the threat of rain which the thunder kept reinforcing, the soft swoosh of the leaves as the wind danced around them, the light roaring of the bus's motor as it left the stop across the street, they all stopped as my hearing focused on her melodious voice.

"I don't think I'm going to take the Mcat," she said hesitantly. Her fingers came up to her chest and laid on top of mine.

"What do you mean? You can't go to medical school without it."

She shifted on my arms, turning her body around to face me. She had the same look she had on her first day on her job – fear, uncertainty but overwhelmed with determination.

"I'm not going to medical school." She closed my mouth with her fingers before I even thought about saying a word. "I don't think I want to do it anymore. I'd rather be a teacher. I want to change people's life for the better. I want to teach others how to be a better version of themselves like you taught me."

"Are you sure? That's a really big decision. What if you change your mind? You still have time to change your mind."

"I know but I'd rather just support you through the experience than do it myself too. Besides one of us taking a loan will be more than we can handle for the rest of our lives."

"If this is about money..."

"It's not," she stopped me. "I don't want to be a doctor anymore, that's it. It just doesn't appeal to me the same way it used to. It's a job more for the old Irene, the little girl trying to impress her parents and make them see her worth. I don't want to impress anyone anymore. I have no one left to impress other than myself and I think teaching is the best way to do it. That's the job for the new Irene, the one who knows she can be anyone she wants. I want to be a teacher, Joseph."

I smiled at her, happy that she knew how to push her limits and shine out of her comfort zone. However, I was apprehensive that she wouldn't regret her decision. It might just be a heat of the moment decision. One that she was making because she wanted to distance herself with the people who hurt her.

"Can you at least take the test?"

"Joseph..."

This time I was the one silencing her. "Listen to me. I'm not telling you that you're making the wrong decision but you might want to take the test in case you ever change your mind. I want you to be happy but I also don't want you to take the easy way out because you think you're no longer capable of achieving big dreams. If you take it but still don't want to pursue medical school, at least you'll know it was because you wanted to not because you couldn't."

"I don't know, seems like wasting time for no reason. I already know what I want."

"Just do it for me then. I need a study partner so you'll be helping the both of us."

"Fine," she groaned but a teasing smile lingered on her lips. "Are you always so pushy when you don't get what you want?"

"I'm mommy's little boy, Irene." I replied, twisting around the same sentence she had once told me. "I always get pushy when I don't get what I want. And now I want you to help me study."