Before the sleep

Chapter twenty

Mommy

The cool air in the hospital makes my skin shiver as my bed is being hauled around the halls. The bright lights are assaulting my eyes but I can't move nor say anything about it. I lay there and let my body be dragged away.

I hear nonstop talking from the voices around me. They are all rushing and shouting orders. Cold stethoscopes probe a new part of my body every passing seconds.

"Heart rate is dropping," someone by my head shouts.

The strong feeling of déjà vu stands out in the front lobe of my brain. If I didn't know better, I could have mistaken this for my rescue after the accident. It's the exact same scenery, the exact same words and sensations. Except that today, there's someone moving inside of my stomach. Today, there are two sets of heart rates echoing in the mist of my fleeting memories.

To think we were so close to having everything our hearts desired. The American dream was in our grasp. Like two professional hunters, we had set up the perfect trap, tiptoed towards it once it was in sight, and maneuvered around the twigs carefully enough to reach its personal space without being detected. However, an idiot who couldn't measure his alcohol limit correctly had to come and scare it away.

Thinking about my missed opportunities, replaying everything over and over again is the only handle I have on my mind. I can't remember half of the story I'm telling. All of my neurons are slowing down all at once, forcing me to sweat in order to recall who was in my room five minutes ago.

But I do remember what got me here. The memories of that day are still fresh in mind as if it happened yesterday.

It was supposed to be the greatest day of my life. The one I had spent days praying for.

I had everything I needed to survive and a good life – a job I loved, a wonderful husband, and a newly acquired house. After eight years of hard work and a maximum of three hours of sleep on a daily basis, Joseph had finally graduated from medical school with flying colors which landed him his current job.

He was without a doubt happier as he had ever dreams. His eyes gleamed enjoyment, love and exuberance at life but I wasn't. I was still wishing, praying, and hoping for the one thing that would fill the emptiness in my heart – a baby.

I waited patiently years after years just like he had asked me to. I supported and loved him throughout his entire climb up but now I wanted what he had promised. I wanted a family, a blood relation.

The Pierre family had always been welcoming, treating me like one of their own but none of them could replace the glee that came with the support of the people who share the same DNA as you. They couldn't understand the shadows that lived in being an outcast to your own family, the very same people who had nurture you way before your birth. Their love was great but it wasn't the one I craved.

I worked for that baby. Worked, sweated, cried each passing month when a new menstrual started. I cried after every parent-teacher conference. Witnessing a mother defending or praising her offspring was enough to slash a little deeper in my heart.

Summer vacation didn't help either when I barely had anything to do except plan for the next school year and sometimes tutor at a summer camp.

But that day the heavens answered me back. That day I received the news.

It started just like every other day. Joseph and I got ready for work, ate breakfast, I gave him a goodbye kiss once we were both out of the house, and then we set in opposite direction for another normal day in the world.