Fruits Basket: Thin blood

Chapter ten

Hatsuharu's point of view
The roof was not my place, it was his, but I wanted to be with him. I wanted to spend time with him. He knew so much, and he cared. He didn't have to even say it, unlike me. I have to say what I'm feeling but he just shows it in this spectacular way without words or anything.
  "Haru, what will you do when the others find out? You know secrets don't last forever," Kyo asked.
  "I really don't know. I can only imagine their possible reactions and hope it doesn't end catastrophically. Some of them will be pissed, and others will be sad, some will be supportive, and some just won't know what to do. I don't know when it will all happen, but it's bound to slip out someday. I'm not so naive as to think it won't happen, but I hope I have time before it does," truth. That's what I gave him, and it felt right. There was security in my insecurity. There was relief in my unrest.
  "Why do you do this?" it was a simple enough question.
  I sighed, "Kyo..."
  "Haru," he retorted.
  "I can't be the only one answering questions. When have you answered any of ours?" I was a bit irritated, if he could have secrets, so could I.
  "I haven't," he said in defeat.
  "Then why do you feel the need to starve?"
  "Why do you feel the need to cut?"
  "We're not going to get anywhere like this," I sighed.
  "We can take turns."
  "Why do you starve?"
  He began to fidget. He wrung his hands together and played with the hem of his shirt, and I hated how uncomfortable he looked, but I had to understand at least some of this.
  "I...I feel so...terrible. I'm a jerk, and I pretty much suck at everything. I'm the stupid cat," he paused, "It's different things I guess...I figure I don't deserve food. I'm a waste of space and there are people starving in poverty....they deserve to eat, not me. Also...I feel like...like I'm fat. It doesn't even matter that much to me, but....people don't like fat people. If I were thin....maybe people would like me. Maybe.... I just want someone to accept me. I'm lonely...desperate. It's a stupid thing to do, but..." He shrugged and looked at his hands.
   I was surprised at how much he said, I expected a short answer, 'because' or 'I don't know.' This was interesting.
  "Why do you cut?" He asked.
  Of course. Now it was my turn. Now I had to spill. I couldn't just say 'because' after all he told me. If I want more of his information, he needs mine.
  I took a deep breath and looked away from him, "I just...it helps. Sometimes it keeps me from being out of control and going black. Like, when I can focus on the pain or the blood, it's a distraction. I don't think about things that upset me. I don't think of how alone I am. There's less pain inside if I put it on the outside," it wasn't nearly as much as he said, but I couldn't, didn't know what else to say. "How did you get away with it?"
  "I don't really know," he said thoughtfully, "Shishou never noticed," it's been that long? How much didn't I know? "And, living here, they think I just eat early in the morning. At lunch I make an excuse or don't show up. Dinners are a bit more difficult. Sometimes I just say I'm going out or something. Sometimes we're not all together and we feed ourselves, like when Tohru's not home. Of course, there were times when it was unavoidable, but then I just tried to act like it was a normal thing. When did you start?" I chewed on the inside of my cheek. He didn't want to know. I didn't want to say. I waited a long moment before speaking.
  "It's been a while..." I tried to find a way out of this. "Since...fifth grade." He looked shocked, "I was always different. People were never nice. I didn't have friends. They made fun of me for my hair. My family laughed because I was the stupid ox. I was tired of going black all the time. I thought this would...control it-going black-and, for a while, it did. Of course it stopped working and my black personality came back so I began to do it more often. I was more and more angry, but I was also...sad. That made my anger worse. I felt weak and masked that with anger. I began cutting multiple times a day in my first and second year of middle school...for any reason...I stopped caring why, I just did it. I think there came a time where I didn't even have a reason. I began to realize how dependent I was on cutting and felt even more weak soI managed to become colder to the world, if I became numb to the things that bothered me I could stop going black so often without having to cut myself. I've stopped cutting so frequently, only once a day, twice if it's bad...I don't know if I'll ever stop. I know it's dangerous, and I'm being reckless, immature, stupid, but...that doesn't really matter to me. I just want to...to...feel," I surprised myself with how much I said. I didn't even really know I felt that way. I didn't know all that was built up inside.
  We soaked up all the information we had just heard in silence.
  "Are you..." he seemed to struggle with what to say, "Are you suicidal?"
  I was caught off guard by his question. I didn't want to lie to him, but this time I had to.
  "No," it wasn't technically a lie since I hadn't attempted anything in two years. I still had suicidal thoughts but figured it best to not talk about it, "Are you?"
  "I don't think so. I mean, living is pretty terrible, but...I don't know if I could do that. I don't think I am, but...I guess it's kind of hard to really know, you know?" Guilt stabbed me in the chest. He was so genuine in what he said and I had lied to him.
"What's your favorite color?" I asked
  I caught him off guard with my casual question, "Umm... What?"
  "I'm such of talking about sad stuff."
  "Oh, ok. Probably blue."
   We chatted casually for a while and went inside well after dark.
  Everyone was asleep, and I made my way to the kitchen for a late night snack. Kyo simply sat on the couch and waited. I looked for something to eat and noticed a lighter left on the counter out of the corner of my eye. I looked over to see if Kyo was looking my way, and when I saw that he wasn't I quickly grabbed the lighter and shoved it in my pocket to use later.
  I grabbed a bag of pretzels and plopped down next to Kyo. I quietly munched the pretzels, and Kyo even ate a few. We sat in silence, both lost in thought and eventually Kyo got up and went to his room, probably to sleep.
  I snuck upstairs after he was quiet and snuck into the bathroom. I shut the door quietly and sat with my back against it. I stared at the wall opposite me for a while. I dug into my pocket and got the lighter I found earlier and admired it for a bit. I pulled my sleeves up and breathed for a while, thinking of what I was about to do.
   I lifted my arm with my palm facing down. I flipped on the lighter and stared at the tiny flame then began bringing it towards my arm. I slowly eased it against my forearm so the flame could dance along my flesh. The pain was white hot and unbearable. I tilted my head towards the ceiling and clenched my jaw. This was a new form of pain, a different form of pain. It was burning and alive rather than sharp and bare. It was amazing. I looked at the small flame and noticed the burn began to blister so I decided to turn the lighter off so I didn't make it worse.
  I was excited for this new pain; irritating burns after they're made was much more painful than cuts. I could hurt myself just by lightly touching a burn. This long lasting pain could be my new addiction.
  I went quietly back downstairs and placed the lighter back where it came from, and made my way to the couch. I laid down and was soon fast asleep.

  I woke groggily to the sound of pots and pans clattering as Tohru prepared breakfast. The others woke one by one and all sat down for her meal.
  Kyo was hesitant to eat, and when he did begin eating it wasn't much. I didn't bother him about it because he had been doing well lately. We all went off to school and the first half of the day was normal.
  I met up with Kyo at lunch but didn't see Tohru or Yuki. I got in the lunch line, but Kyo headed straight to our usual table.
  I followed him and sat next to him, "What's up?" I asked.
  He shook his head.
  "You've gotta eat something. If you get bad again Hatori will kill you."
  "It's just lunch," he mumbled.
  "But you didn't eat much for breakfast either."
  "I'm fine," I walked away and waited in the line for my food, they were serving spaghetti today. I got two meals and set one down in front of Kyo. He pushed it away, and I didn't bother to pester him.
  Later Kyo, Yuki, and I went back to Shigure's, and Tohru headed to work.
  "Haru," Shigure sang, "Akito wants to see you tomorrow. He said you can skip school. He wants you over at ten," I felt the blood leave my face. Being summoned by Akito was never good, and I hadn't seen him in months. What could he want?
  Kyo didn't eat much for dinner which caused some concerned looks from Yuki and Shigure. He left the table early and headed to his room.