Caskett: Rescue Me

Chapter 25: Pain and Suffering

I had just put down James in his bed. I closed the door and hoped he would get better. Alexis had left to go study with her friends for a calculus test. I then made my way down to Castle and sat down next to him, he still had a sore throat and had a severe cough. "Are you okay?" He asked me, gently, joining our fingers. "I'm not." I said plainly unwrapping my hand from his and crossing my arms, leaning back against the couch. "Talk to me." "Castle, the guy who killed my parents is still out there, and even though Bracken was caught for my moms murder, doesn't mean he won't stop killing. And that includes my dad. He probably hired someone just like he did before. So I don't want to talk about it anymore." "But you'll catch the killer, you always do." "Castle! I'm done talking about this, I'm going to our bedroom." "No! We need to talk." "Castle I don't want to talk!" "Kate!" "You know what I'm going out." "Where?" "To our swings, to think." "Kate, I'm sorry just-" I wouldn't let Castle finish his sentence because I closed the door to the loft and headed for our swings.

The walk wasn't that long but I just thought the whole way. I thought about how I can move on. Sure I have Castle and James, and Martha, and Alexis, but I wanted my parents here to share in the experiences that would come in my life. I wanted them to see my wedding. Who's going to walk me down the aisle? No one. I started to cry as I sat on the swings. I then thought about how my mom and dad wouldn't be here when James would learn how to ride a bike, or on his first day of preschool. And how 'grandma and grandpa' would no longer take him to the zoo, and out for lunch, and ice cream. I then realized that if I had anymore kids they wouldn't know my grandparents, and I probably won't even have another kid, because of everything that has happened to me. I then thought about the future, and how nothing really mattered anymore. I then decided I just needed Castle, not that that would fix anything, although it might, maybe his smell, or his body language,

I made it home quickly but I was down, and sad, and Castle would probably notice nut I'd fake my way through it. I opened the door and saw Castle in the kitchen. "Hey," he said all peppy, for being sick, "SO I made you an apology sandwich. It has all of your favorite things on it." "Thanks." I said staring at the floor. "What's wrong? You don't have to answer it though if you don't want to. "Its ok, but- umm... I'm just- I'm just a little tired that's all." "Ok, well eat your sandwich and then meet me in the bed for a snuggle." "Ok, I will." I said sort of laughing. Castle then turned and exited into the bedroom. My fake act of happiness instantly dropped and I walked over to the sandwich, I played with it and picked at it, but I didn't eat it. Instead I threw it in the trash and sat down at the kitchen island. I decided to take the amount of time to eat a sandwich just sitting and waiting. I then walked around the house looking at everything in it. Eventually the time time passed and I went into the bedroom to find Castle taking a nap, I crawled into bed with him and and he opened his eyes. "Hey, beautiful." Castle said, kissing my cheek. "Hi," I replied bleakly. "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Ok." "So..." "So..." "How are you feeling?" "Better. How did you like my sandwich?" "I loved the sauce you put on it." "There was no sauce. Kate, did you even eat it." "Of course I ate it. I just- thought that there was sauce on it." "Ok?" "Can we just not talk- about anything?" "Anything for you." "Thanks." "Sure." I then just snuggled into Castle even more, him hugging me even tighter. I closed my eyes and just thought about my dad, and how nothing would ever be ok, and how I would never get my happy ending, and how that's just something that I'll have to deal with.

I woke up the next morning feeling depressed and sick. Not the normal kind of sick, but the kind of sick that you feel useless. I turned in bed and noticed that Castle wasn't in bed with me, I figured that he was in the kitchen or living room. So I then got up and walked into the living room , to see Castle standing in the kitchen making breakfast, with James sitting in a bar stool, with bars around it so he wouldn't fall out. James was sucking on a strawberry, with some cheese cubes next to it. I walked to them saying, "Fruit with cheese? One word, why?" "It's no smore'lette but it does ok. Want some?" Castle replied. "It's a safe bet that I'll pass. But your gonna get James sick with it." "Nah, but here's just a plain bull of fruit." Castle said trying to hand me some fruit. "Um- I'm good, I'm not really hungry." "You look skinny though." "Excuse me?" "I mean it's just you look thin, like a sort of sickly thin, but it's not a lot, I mean- I'll shut up." "Thanks." "But take the fruit." "I'm not hungry." "Beckett." "Castle." "Sorry." Castle said, and I could here the irritation in his voice. "Fine, I'll eat it." I said plainly, with no intention of actually eating it. "Thank you," Castle said all giddy, handing me the fruit, "I'm gonna go get dressed and take a shower." "Ok." I then followed Castle with my eyes, as he walked into the bedroom. Once he closed the doors, I quickly went to the sink, and waited to here the shower turn on.

Once I heard the shower turn on I went over to turn the garbage disposal on. When I was about to pour the fruit down I heard James call my name. "Mommy," he started, "What you doing?" "I'm recycling my fruit." I said trying to use big words and confuse James, although I knew I was being unfair. "But I thought you were gonna eat it, mommy." "I did." "no." "I'm recycling it. Just don't tell daddy." "But why?" "Because daddy doesn't like to recycle." "But mommy-" "No, thank you James. I said it and now it's done. I love you." "I love you too mommy." I felt really bad about lying to my own kid, and manipulating him into lying for me. But it was already done. The damage and everything. A few minutes later Castle came out of the bathroom, all clean and good looking. He was truly handsome. It's just a shame that my parents would never get to see us again.

Castle is on in exactly a week from today! I'm gonna pee my pants! Bye pretty people!

-K