Dear Dan (Phan)

2

Dear Dan,
I saw one of the boys from school today in town. He said that Kylie had told Johanna who told Hazel who then told her boyfriend Joe that a girl named Anna was cheating on her boyfriend Sam with me !! Why me? I would never even think about dating Anna or any girls in my school. It's completely absurd. However that does mean that beacause of this stuipid lie that I'm going to have made even more enemies in school with out even doing anything ! This is going to make a very fun first day back after the holidays. Also beacuse I'm one of the tallest in the year I have been selected to try out for the school basketball team, which made my Dad happy but you'll never guess who else is trying out!? Sam. Who right now almost certainly wants my head on a spike and my eyes being pecked out by seagulls. I'm completely doomed.
Talking of...errrmmm...that sort of stuff I think I have found myself looking at boys, but like not in a sort of 'I want to be your friend way', but in the sort of way I'm supposed to look at girls. I know that sounds weird and hopefully I'll just start looking at girls when I'm older. Please don't tell anyone this as I don't want my dad to find out cause I don't think he'll take that piece of information to well. It's probably just nothing.
Also for Christmas I got an awesome lion plushie from my aunt Clara. It's huge !! What did you get for Christmas?
Also three years of friendship today !!!!
From,
Philllll !!!!!!!! :)
1st January age 13

Dear Dan,
Here we've gotten loads of warm weather which is awesome !
I got sent to my room without dinner last night cause I got mad at my Dad when he called a woman on the television a 'stupid lesbian' that needs a 'man to take control.' We ended up arguing pretty bad and now I'm worried that he might suspect that I like boys. I mean I'm only 13 and I haven't told anyone this except you but I think I might be, errrmm, gay. I'm really scared about what I'm supposed to do now, I mean I can't just make my feelings go away but I know that my Dad would never forgive me. I would go to my Mum but she would never hide anything from my Dad and always takes his side. I'm scared and confused Dan. I'm completely lost in my own feelings.
Still not long until the summer holidays now. Six whole entire weeks away from bullies and idiots that find it funny to make fun of me because I'm the one with no friends, well no friends except you of course.
My Dad found out that I was still writing to you the other day, and said I was unhealthy and not normal. I guess I got kinda upset about that cause I don't think it's fair to call someone horrible things just cause they're not very good at making friends. I'm just so glad that your here so I can write what I feel to you, and talk about my emotions and stuff cause I don't have anyone else I trust enough to do that with. I honestly don't think I could live without you Dan.
From,
Philly 2nd July (half way through the year !!) age 13

*****

Dear Dan,
Happy new year !!
I still haven't forgotten about that promise I made to you years ago now about coming down to visit. I think I called it something like a '100% genuine Phil promise'. Was that really only four years ago !? In all honesty I can't imagine life without having you to talk to. Anyway I asked my Mum (making sure my Dad was at work) if I could catch a train and go visit you, but she said I had to wait until I was 16. It's not too long I suppose although I just want to meet you in person now.
I have officially decieded that I hate my Dad. I know hate is a strong word and I shouldn't hate anyone really, but I hate him. His Homophobic, sexist, racist, the list goes on. He is the reason I can't come out. He is the reason I'm so unhappy a lot of the time. He is the cause of my misery.
Anyway on a slightly more cheerful note my test scores where second best in my year, which doesn't sound like much of an achievement but I think it is, and plus I come from a big year group too ! Although that's the only positive news about school, and I'm really starting to get fed up of the bullying. I mean I try not to let it bother me but now it's just become the norm to pick on me, to laugh at me. Even the people who I thought where alright have started doing it. I'm just growing tired of it.
Anyway I'm eagerly waiting for your return letter,
From,
Phil
January 1st age 14

Dear Dan,
I Hope your alright, you sounded a little glum in your last letter when you where talking about your latest existential crisis.
Last night I watched my first ever anime. It was called 'Death note', and I found series 1 with subtitles in a charity shop for a pound !! It was amazing and I'm completely loving it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I've finished season 1 though cause they are mega expensive to buy new and that's the only one the charity shop had. I would watch it online but I'm not allowed on the internet unless it's for school work and even then I'm supervised by a parent.  My parents are crap. However three nights ago I crawled downstairs at around 3 am and spent an hour just on the internet. I have never been so glad of doing something in my life, I discovered whole communities of young gay people and it's just so nice not to feel so alone even if these people are sat thousands of miles away beheind a computer screen. I have started feeling pretty lonley recently, your letters are one of the only things that keep me going.
Yesterday at school we did a 'one off ' lesson about gay rights. It was really intresting and stuff but at the same time kinda sad as well. Love is love and people still don't seem to understand that. It didn't help that after the lesson all the kids in the class where making fun of gay people and making mega inappropriate jokes about them, turns out that both my school and my family are super homophobic. Scratching all plans of coming out before I leave home. To be honest everyones probably gonna find out before that when I show no intrest in girls whatsoever, I would fake it but that dosen't seem fair on whatever girl I pretend to like.
The weather here is rain, rain, with a small chance of more rain. It's probably not helping my mood.
Can't wait for your return letter, please write super quick !!
From,
Philll
2nd July age 14