Dear Dan (Phan)

5

Dear Dan,
I feel so lost. It's been a month since I last heard from you, and every time a letter arrives through my door, or the phone rings I feel my heart in my mouth and a flurry of excitement that only seems to be misplaced. Where are you Dan? Please just answer me. I don't care how, just a little thing to tell me you're alright and I have no need to worry. Please Dan, please. My mind had become a battleground, the positive thoughts battling the negative ones for control over me. I'm not sure what I would do if the bad thoughts win, I'm not sure if would be able to do anything anymore. I sound so stupid, why should anyone be this worried cause a friend doesn't reply to their letters? I hope I'm being stupid, and tomorrow morning I'll wake up to find a whole heap of letters that got stuck somewhere on the postal system, yet at the same time I could wake up tomorrow morning to find the letter box deserted. To feel the crushing sensation as my hope is destroyed for another grey day.  Please please just contact me, just so I know your alright, so I know you're still alive and well. I'm so scared Dan. I have never been more scared in my life. It's an odd thing isn't it? Fear. It's such a strange thing, makes you feel so helpless but at the same time so pumped full of adrenaline that you can't sit still. Fear is one to be added to the long comprehensive list of things Humans don't understand. The best way to combat fear is to be brave, but I ask you this, how does one go about being brave?

I have never been one for poetry, but 'When a friend bids goodbye' has really earned a place in my wrecked heart. So I have decided to include the fourth stanza in this letter, I hope you enjoy it.
My dear friend, you'll be fine.
I'll be up there watching over you.
For the times I'll be gone, don't ever forget
the words I whispered to you.

I miss you Dan,
From,
Phil.
17th January age 16

Dear Dan,
Where are you? I still haven't heard a word from you. I'm lost in a dark place, and I'm scared that my only light source has been extinguished. Food is starting to just make me feel sick, and where I could normally escape to sleep I am just going over thought after thought in my head. I miss escaping to blissful unconsciousness.
I broke down yesterday. I was in class, and my teacher had the local news up on the board so we could quote it. Then suddenly a news report flashed up showing a teenage boy who had died after being beaten to death by his parents. There was a picture of him, he looked like a nice person. The boy was called Daniel. It was then I just started to cry. I ended up curled up in a ball on the ground sobbing. Turns out the boys surname was Johnson not Howell. But for a second I though it might of been you, and it could of been you. I still couldn't stop crying. My entire body started shaking, and I felt sick. I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if it was you? What if you where...dead. What if something had happened to you. I would give my life for you Dan, but you can't give your life to the deceased. Everything suddenly felt hopeless. I haven't been able to calm down since then. I just have no one to talk to about your lack of communication, no one to confide in. You're the only person in this world I trust. Your the only person I have ever told anything, from my sexuality, to my relationship with my parents.

I don't care about myself anymore, my own well being is not my priority, but please please just say that your okay. Please, I would give anything just to know your alright, that nothing has happened to you. I can't handle this not knowing anymore Dan. I just can't. I'm not strong enough.
I have learnt 'When a friend gives goodbye' by heart now. I included the fourth stanza in my last letter, so, here is the fifth:
God calls on my name... and I have to let go of your hand now...
Please don't cry... and smile for me..
because I'm with the one who made us friends.

I really can't handle this much longer,
From,
Phil.
20th January age 16

Dear Dan,
I feel so hopeless. I don't know what I should do? I still haven't heard anything from you and my mind is starting to crumble. I don't know how to describe my feelings, it's sort of like the colour has been drained from the world and I'm seeing in black and white. Sleep is a distant memory, and I have stopped eating. Please don't be mad, I know you where always very set on me staying healthy. Still 10 days and it is the first of February, 10 days until I can hopefuly find out what's going on. I just need to stay strong until then. Yet I can feel my strength failing as I spiral down into a pit of hopelessness and despair. I'm lost at sea with no sign of land. I have just 10 days to wait. 10 days to keep my sanity in my grasp.

When I was little I used to build Dens out of bed sheets in the lounge. They where always so warm and cosy especially after I filled it with pillows and teddy bears. Then when no one was looking I used to sneak into the kitchen to steal some biscuits to eat in my new home. I always felt so safe in the den, so secure, like nothing could ever hurt me in there, like nothing could make me sad or angry. But the problem with this happy, secure place was that it was only held up by a single pole in the centre. So when something goes wrong and the pole comes crashing to the ground my entire world that I had spent ages creating would all collapse in on itself, leaving me to be buried in everything I had grown to love.
Take from that what you want Dan, but my pole is gone and everything is crashing onto me, burying me until I can breathe no more.

Here is the sixth stanza of 'When a friend bids goodbye.' I hope you enjoy it and see it's beauty like I do:
Remember, I'll always love you.
so come, wave me goodbye...
It'll be painful but we have to...
Hug me, hug me tight, feel the words I can no longer say.

Stay safe,
From,
Phil.
23rd January age 16

Dear Dan,
Not since around Christmas have I heard from you. However I have 3 days until I catch the train to see if I can find you. Find you so I can find myself. This will be my last letter until I come and visit, there is no point writing any more as I will be there before they are. I will find you Dan, that's a promise, even if it's to say goodbye as you want to move away from me. I don't think I could handle the rest of my living days without a goodbye escaping your very lips.
At the moment I can't seem to stop tears tumbling down my cheeks at the most unexpected times. As cliché as it sounds everything makes me think of you. My mind is a fortress, heavily defended by a crappy childhood, being bullied since the first time I stepped into a school. Yet you have broken my heard earned defences and are infesting in the centre. Sorry, it must sound like I'm speaking in riddles, metaphors disguising a blunt truth. It's just that I find it's the easiest way to express myself. God I'm just scared. All I want is for you to be alright, just be alright. Please Dan, please just be okay, be safe. You are the world to me, you are the reason that I wake up every morning. Just please please say nothing bad has happened to you. I don't think I would be able to live anymore if something had happened to you. To little Dan Howell who replied to little Phils letter, judging by the postage times, instantly. So full of excitement, bursting with joy to have a friend. For my sake Dan don't let any harm come to you.

I have no more words left to write, nothing else to say until I come and see you in three days time. See if by doing so, and finding out if your alright, I can repair my life.

Here is the last stanza of 'When a friend bids goodbye', I hope you have enjoyed it:
My dear friend, I'm going to miss you.
just pray because I'll always listen.
and one day, when it's your time,
I'll be there for you...
Just like the way I used to.
...I love you...

Just please please be there when I come and see you, be there and be alright. I love you Dan, and always will.
From,
Phil.
27th January age 16