roman holiday | cth [DISCONTINUED]

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" do you remember the taste of my lips that night i stole a bit of my mother's perfume? "

ϟ

dear calum,

i know i shouldn't be writing to you. i know what happened between us was completely my fault, but i miss you. my heart broke as i wrote your name at the top. you don't have to reply to these letters, just please read them. don't throw them away like i threw us away.

i need to write these letters to finally let go of the pain that has been weighing down my heart for the past couple of months. everything hurts when i think of you. memories flash throughout my mind and i wonder if i should cry or smile at the times we've shared.

remember that cold halloween night two years ago in 2012? it was our first date. i had taken a liking towards you since the third grade. you were the only one that talked to me, the new girl. i never knew you would actually notice me now that we were in high school. we were so different from each other. you played sports and went to parties while i stayed home -- you didn't know what happened there yet.

as i got ready for our date, i was sure i checked myself out in the mirror at least a hundred times. i needed to look my best for you -- only you. i wore a pretty blue fairy costume because you said you liked me blue.

when you said you liked me blue, my young naive mind thought you meant you liked me in the color blue. but, i was wrong. we mustn't get into that just yet; 'tis the first letter i am writing to you.

i snuck into my parents' room and sprayed my mother's cheap perfume over my costume twice. regular old body spray wasn't good enough to wear that night. i needed to be perfect to show you that i'm worth your time.

being sixteen, you had just gotten your license and you picked me up that night in your mother's car. i got into the car and you smiled and told me i looked beautiful. i smiled and gave you a small kiss on the cheek.

you dressed up as spider-man that night. it was one of the options i had suggested a week prior. i suggested it because i liked you in the color red.

it was weird that we liked each other in completely different colors -- who would have thought that would change months later, right?

"we're going trick-or-treating," you said as you drove into the rich neighborhood and parked along the curb.

"we're sixteen and in highschool. won't people think we're too old?" i asked you getting out of the car and grabbing the plastic pumpkin you handed me.

"fuck what the old people have to say. i don't want to grow up yet," you tell me as we walk up to the first house. it's mind blowing to think back at this moment and know exactly that 'growing up' is exactly what we had to do. it sucked.

after filling our buckets up with candy from different houses, you drove me to the park. no one was there since it was already midnight. we sat on the swings moving our legs slightly. you pulled out a box of cigarettes, took one out, and lit it. i watched as the stream of smoke left your lips.

you handed me your cigarette box and lighter. i had never smoked before and never thought i would. but, i wanted to impress you so i lit one up myself. i took a drag and coughed immediately after. your eyes went wide with concern as you helped me regain my breath.

"like this," you showed me how to inhale the smoke properly an smoothly blow it out. i was so mesmerized with watching the smoke leave our lips. i have you to blame for my smoking habit now.

you would blow your smoke into my mouth and i did the same. now that i think about it, that was weird. at the time, it was the most romantic thing i've ever done.

i took a drag out of my second cigarette and blew the smoke towards you. you blew the smoke out and pressed your lips against mine. i relaxed and kissed you back.

it was a short kiss, but it meant the world to me. it still does. the kiss was sweet from the candy and smelled of cigarettes. your lips were big and soft, contrasting with my thin chapped ones.

it was the perfect way to end my night with you. was that night perfect for you too? i really hope it was. every night with you was perfect. you were perfect. i was so stupid to let it all go. so stupid.

always with you,

ashley nicolette. x